I’m a manager at a diner, and an employee approaches me.
Employee: “Hey, boss, [Employee #2] went into the back closet, and now the lock is jammed, and he’s stuck.”
In the corner, two tables full of customers wearing matching shirts reading “[City] Fire Rescue” stand up.
Employee: “Never mind, the door just opened!”
The firefighters sigh and sit back down.
Customer: “Huh. I’ve never seen a door be intimidated open before.”
We had this regular who, in my unprofessional opinion, was bat-s*** crazy, but she was a regular, so we had to be nice.
She comes in for lunch one day and screams loudly:
Customer: “There’s a tooth in my food! A tooth!”
She causes quite a big scene and starts yelling at the chefs over the counter:
Customer: “It must be one of yours! You probably have AIDS. You gave me AIDS!”
The manager on duty tries to calm her down.
Manager: “Are you sure the tooth is not yours?”
Customer: “You need to test your kitchen staff for AIDS. One of them could’ve given me AIDS!”
The manager comps her meal and sends her on her way. She calls back thirty minutes later.
Customer: “So… uh… the tooth was mine. Can I have it back?”
Manager: “Sure, if you pay for the meal that we comped for you and you never come back.”
There used to be a locally-owned late-night diner in my college town. The servers were great, and the cook was the right behind-the-counter type deal.
I was there at almost 3 AM after a long night with friends. It’s likely the server was the only sober person in the building. The place was set up so there was a line of booths and the counter, that’s it.
There were a couple of guys being annoying near the end of the bar, saying horrible things about the women who had rejected them that night. They got up and started to head towards the door and the server, who was as far from the door as it was possible for her to be, yells:
Server: “DINE AND DASH!”
Two big guys in the last booth jump it to block the door. Every single person (and the place was full) stands up ready to f****** go. The people waiting outside for seats move to help block the door.
I have never seen anyone realize they made a mistake so quickly in my life.
The guys blocking the door refused to move until they thought the wannabe thieves had tipped enough and they made them pay cash because they didn’t want the card to get canceled.
Thirty years later and I still remember the looks on those idiot’s faces so clearly as they sheepishly slunk out after paying…
Customer: “Are there actual bananas in your banana bread? I hate bananas.”
Me: “Yes, our banana bread has bananas in it. It’s very strong, so I’d skip it if you hate bananas. You should go for something like the coffee cake; that would go nice with your iced cinnamon dolce latte that you ordered.”
She buys the banana bread anyway and goes to stand for her drink. She takes a bite, spits it out onto my counter where other people’s drinks are, and says:
Customer: “This is so gross! It tastes like Bananas! I’ll take the coffee cake instead.”
Related:
Banana Drama, Part 5
Banana Drama, Part 4
Banana Drama, Part 3
Banana Drama, Part 2
Banana Drama
I work in a small diner where it’s common for the waitstaff to also make the sweet tea.
Customer: “Is your sweet tea any good?”
Me: “I’m a white boy from the Northeast and I made it, so how lucky are we feeling?”
They liked the tea!
