Multiple Daddy Issues

| Related | April 1, 2016

(I am sitting in a diner and overhear a father and son having an intense conversation in the next booth over.)

Dad: “So… I realise I could have handled our last hangout better.”

Son: “You chopped my hand off, dad.”

Dad: “Yes, but to be fair, you were having a bit of a tantrum.”

Son: “Because you just revealed yourself to me as my dad.”

Dad: “Okay, well, I realise I could have worded that a bit better, too, but to be honest, it’s not my fault I came into your life so late. Your mother–”

Son: “Whom you killed.”

Dad: “What?! I didn’t kill her. She died of a broken heart.”

Son: “How does THAT make any sense?”

Dad: “Well… uhm… I don’t know. It was on the medical report. Anyway, forget your mother. Your aunt and uncle–”

Son: “Whom you killed.”

Dad: “Well, anyway, your aunt and uncle colluded with your old neighbour–”

Son: “Whom you also killed.”

Dad: *sighs* “Look, son, I’m trying here okay. What do you want from me?”

Son: “You could stop oppressing the galaxy, for one thing.”

Dad: “That’s kinda difficult, son. I signed a contract, and then there’s the pension…”

Son: “Ugh, fine. Maybe you could just be nicer to my friends, then.”

Dad: “That I can do! When do we meet them?”

Son: “Never, because they were flying their X-wings, and then guess what happened?”

Dad: “Uh…”

Son: “You killed them.”

Dad: *to non-existent waiter* “Check, please!”

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Walking The Decent Line

| Friendly | March 4, 2016

(My family and I are driving home on Thanksgiving weekend and stop at a diner along the highway for breakfast. As it is Thanksgiving weekend, all the tables are full and so we’re waiting to be seated. My brother and I start playing with the jukebox as our parents stand nearby. We’re looking over their collection of music when he notices something.)

Brother: *pointing at the display* “Hey, look, does this say there’s still money in there?”

Me: “It kind of looks that way. Let’s find out.”

(I see a song I like on the screen so I key in the code. Sure enough, the song starts playing. As my brother is searching for a song to put on next, another customer walks up to us.)

Customer: “Hey, did you put that Johnny Cash on?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “That’s wonderful! I love this song; it brings back so many memories!” *to my parents* “Are you waiting for a table?”

Mother: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, I was planning to sit around here awhile longer, but you know what? Y’all can have my table. Your daughter just made my whole day! I hope you have a great breakfast!”

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Make Horrific Music Together

| Romantic | December 18, 2015

(My boyfriend, some of his friends, and I are at a diner together and they start talking about their current Dungeons & Dragons campaign, which is somewhat horror-based. My boyfriend’s character can “fleshcraft” – that is, he can literally mold flesh and bone like clay – and starts talking about a violin his character is going to create.)

Boyfriend: “So I’m gonna have the rib cage be the… the…”

Me: “Body.”

Boyfriend: “The body of the violin, and then I’m gonna take human flesh and leather it, you know, cure it and tan it and toughen it and then wrap it around the rib cage. Then the spine’s gonna be sticking out to form the… the…”

Me: “Neck.”

Boyfriend: “The neck, and I’m gonna use entrails to make the strings. Then I’m gonna take phalanges to make the… the…”

Me: “Tuning keys.”

Boyfriend: “The tuning keys.”

Me: “And make the femur into the bow?”

Boyfriend: *looks at me* “This is why I love you.”

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A Photo-Perfect Finish, Part 2

| Friendly | July 31, 2015

(I am a half-bystander in this exchange. There’s a little diner where I live that’s moderately famous amongst the locals for staying virtually the same as when it opened fifty years before. Literally the only thing that’s changed in the place is a single window that got broken by kids throwing rocks. Of the things that haven’t changed, security cameras still remain the same: non-existent. On this day, I’ve beaten the lunch rush and am sitting in a booth with my brother reading the paper when I hear the following.)

Cashier: “Ack! Sir, you can’t do that!”

Guy: “Shut up and get my order in!”

Cashier: “I told you, sir: we just finished breakfast. Lunch items won’t be ready for another twenty minutes. Please get back outside the counter.”

(I sit up and turn around to see one of the boys from the high school standing halfway behind the counter and bearing down on the tiny waitress, who is doing a pretty good job of glaring defiantly at him. Realizing the problem, I pull out my phone and immediately start recording.)

Guy: “I can do whatever the h*** I want, b****. Tell that fat chef to make me my f****** burger or I’ll come back there and rearrange your face! You wanna be holding your own f****** teeth?”

Cashier: “Sir, you realize you’re on camera right now, don’t you?”

Guy: *grabs her arm* “Ain’t no f****** cameras in this s***-hole! GET ME MY F****** BURGER!”

Me: “Smile!”

(The guy whirls around and freezes when he sees my camera phone pointed in his direction. He immediately starts over to grab it, but my brother gets up out of his seat, revealing all 6’1” of himself to the kid. He backs down, swears and takes off out of the restaurant. We later turned the footage over to the authorities who quickly caught the kid. A few weeks later, I saw the diner had installed security cameras. Gee, I wonder what made them change their minds?)


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Refilled With Lies

| Right | July 30, 2015

(I work in a diner-style restaurant. I wait on a couple mid-afternoon, during the slower part of the day, when there’s not much staff on. Everything seems normal, and since it isn’t busy, it is easy to keep a close eye on their needs, refill drinks, bring the food right out, and so on. I have side-work to do, but it is all things to be done in the front, like straightening up the area where we dish up soup and salad. This is right in front of the pass-through to the kitchen, so I am basically in sight the whole time. I have asked them a couple of times if everything is all right, and have been assured that it was. When they come to the register to pay, the manager on duty is manning the register.)

Manager: “Afternoon, folks. Was everything all right with your meal?”

Customer: “No! Our waitress was horrible. She was always in the back, and we didn’t get refills on our drinks, and our food sat in the window for about 15 minutes before she finally came out and brought it to us!”

Manager: “I’m sorry to hear that; that doesn’t sound like her. Let me just verify that with the cook, and I’ll be happy to comp that for you.”

Manager: *to cook* “Hey, [Cook], I gotta cheeseburger with fries and an open-face beef with mash. These guys say [My Name] let it sit in the window and dry out. How long was the order up here?”

Cook: *with a snort* “How about… zero seconds? She was straightening the salad station when I said she was up, and I put the plates right in her hands. They literally didn’t even touch the window.”

Manager: *to customers* “Folks, my cook says they didn’t sit at all, much less 15 minutes, so I’m not going to be able to comp these for you after all. That’ll be [amount], please.”

Customer: “Are you going to take his word over mine?”

Manager: “Yes, I am!”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Manager: “Well, since I caught you in a lie about this, and I can see from here that your glasses on the table are still half full, so either you didn’t need a refill or you did get one when you said you didn’t. I suppose that would also be a yes. Yes, I am.”

(The customer fumes, but tosses a $20 down, and gets his change.)

Customer: “I can’t believe this place. We are NEVER coming here again!”

Manager: “Promises, promises.”

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