Trying To Recoup With Soup

, | Working | April 28, 2016

(I had decided to go to a local 24/7 diner for supper. After being seated and placing my order, I am waiting patiently when Head Waitress comes up to me.)

Head Waitress: “Sir, I’m sorry, but there’s been a delay in your order. Would you like some soup? We have chicken noodle, broccoli and cheese, Italian Wedding, chicken noodle…” *she mentioned chicken noodle two more times*

Me: “No, thanks, I’m good.”

Head Waitress: “Please, at least for me? Have some soup, or salad?”

Me: “How about some cheese sticks?”

Head Waitress: “I’m sorry, can’t do that. I can give you a bowl of soup or salad. Soup or salad?”

Me: *laughing* “Okay, I’ll have the broccoli and cheese soup.”

Head Waitress: “Very good, and again, I’m sorry for the delay.”

Me: “Not your fault. I know you’re slammed at the moment.”

(They were. There was a large party of about 15, a family in one section of the restaurant, and just about every other table or booth was full.)

Head Waitress: *over her shoulder* “Thank you!”

(I waited a few more minutes, rolling up the little paper band they wrap around the utensils, singing along to The Beatles’ “Strawberry Fields Forever” that happened to be playing in the restaurant. Later, Head Waitress brought out my soup, *and* my original meal order, which was a half-pound cheeseburger with fries. I ate the burger and most of the fries, and took the soup to go. I also ordered a slice of lemon cake to go. Always support local when you can. They try so hard sometimes, and are willing to do almost anything to earn your business!)

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Multiple Daddy Issues

| Related | April 1, 2016

(I am sitting in a diner and overhear a father and son having an intense conversation in the next booth over.)

Dad: “So… I realise I could have handled our last hangout better.”

Son: “You chopped my hand off, dad.”

Dad: “Yes, but to be fair, you were having a bit of a tantrum.”

Son: “Because you just revealed yourself to me as my dad.”

Dad: “Okay, well, I realise I could have worded that a bit better, too, but to be honest, it’s not my fault I came into your life so late. Your mother–”

Son: “Whom you killed.”

Dad: “What?! I didn’t kill her. She died of a broken heart.”

Son: “How does THAT make any sense?”

Dad: “Well… uhm… I don’t know. It was on the medical report. Anyway, forget your mother. Your aunt and uncle–”

Son: “Whom you killed.”

Dad: “Well, anyway, your aunt and uncle colluded with your old neighbour–”

Son: “Whom you also killed.”

Dad: *sighs* “Look, son, I’m trying here okay. What do you want from me?”

Son: “You could stop oppressing the galaxy, for one thing.”

Dad: “That’s kinda difficult, son. I signed a contract, and then there’s the pension…”

Son: “Ugh, fine. Maybe you could just be nicer to my friends, then.”

Dad: “That I can do! When do we meet them?”

Son: “Never, because they were flying their X-wings, and then guess what happened?”

Dad: “Uh…”

Son: “You killed them.”

Dad: *to non-existent waiter* “Check, please!”

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Walking The Decent Line

| Friendly | March 4, 2016

(My family and I are driving home on Thanksgiving weekend and stop at a diner along the highway for breakfast. As it is Thanksgiving weekend, all the tables are full and so we’re waiting to be seated. My brother and I start playing with the jukebox as our parents stand nearby. We’re looking over their collection of music when he notices something.)

Brother: *pointing at the display* “Hey, look, does this say there’s still money in there?”

Me: “It kind of looks that way. Let’s find out.”

(I see a song I like on the screen so I key in the code. Sure enough, the song starts playing. As my brother is searching for a song to put on next, another customer walks up to us.)

Customer: “Hey, did you put that Johnny Cash on?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “That’s wonderful! I love this song; it brings back so many memories!” *to my parents* “Are you waiting for a table?”

Mother: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, I was planning to sit around here awhile longer, but you know what? Y’all can have my table. Your daughter just made my whole day! I hope you have a great breakfast!”

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Make Horrific Music Together

| Romantic | December 18, 2015

(My boyfriend, some of his friends, and I are at a diner together and they start talking about their current Dungeons & Dragons campaign, which is somewhat horror-based. My boyfriend’s character can “fleshcraft” – that is, he can literally mold flesh and bone like clay – and starts talking about a violin his character is going to create.)

Boyfriend: “So I’m gonna have the rib cage be the… the…”

Me: “Body.”

Boyfriend: “The body of the violin, and then I’m gonna take human flesh and leather it, you know, cure it and tan it and toughen it and then wrap it around the rib cage. Then the spine’s gonna be sticking out to form the… the…”

Me: “Neck.”

Boyfriend: “The neck, and I’m gonna use entrails to make the strings. Then I’m gonna take phalanges to make the… the…”

Me: “Tuning keys.”

Boyfriend: “The tuning keys.”

Me: “And make the femur into the bow?”

Boyfriend: *looks at me* “This is why I love you.”

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A Photo-Perfect Finish, Part 2

| Friendly | July 31, 2015

(I am a half-bystander in this exchange. There’s a little diner where I live that’s moderately famous amongst the locals for staying virtually the same as when it opened fifty years before. Literally the only thing that’s changed in the place is a single window that got broken by kids throwing rocks. Of the things that haven’t changed, security cameras still remain the same: non-existent. On this day, I’ve beaten the lunch rush and am sitting in a booth with my brother reading the paper when I hear the following.)

Cashier: “Ack! Sir, you can’t do that!”

Guy: “Shut up and get my order in!”

Cashier: “I told you, sir: we just finished breakfast. Lunch items won’t be ready for another twenty minutes. Please get back outside the counter.”

(I sit up and turn around to see one of the boys from the high school standing halfway behind the counter and bearing down on the tiny waitress, who is doing a pretty good job of glaring defiantly at him. Realizing the problem, I pull out my phone and immediately start recording.)

Guy: “I can do whatever the h*** I want, b****. Tell that fat chef to make me my f****** burger or I’ll come back there and rearrange your face! You wanna be holding your own f****** teeth?”

Cashier: “Sir, you realize you’re on camera right now, don’t you?”

Guy: *grabs her arm* “Ain’t no f****** cameras in this s***-hole! GET ME MY F****** BURGER!”

Me: “Smile!”

(The guy whirls around and freezes when he sees my camera phone pointed in his direction. He immediately starts over to grab it, but my brother gets up out of his seat, revealing all 6’1” of himself to the kid. He backs down, swears and takes off out of the restaurant. We later turned the footage over to the authorities who quickly caught the kid. A few weeks later, I saw the diner had installed security cameras. Gee, I wonder what made them change their minds?)


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