(Some of my extended family from Ireland have come over to the US for a cross-country road trip. My one cousin is obsessed with French fries, which are called “chips” over there.)

Cousin: “Can I have some chips?”

Server: “Oh, I’m sorry we don’t have potato chips.”

Aunt: “He means ‘French fries,’ sorry!”

(Whether he just never clued in or refused to change what he called them, he never said French fries. When they finally get back to the east coast before flying home, we’re having dinner with them when this happens.)

Cousin: “Can I have chips with that?”

Waitress: “Of course!”

(We were thinking the waitress just recognized their accent and knew the difference in terms; turned out when the food arrived, alongside his hamburger was a giant mound of made-on-premises, freshly fried, potato chips! We got a good laugh out of it, and thankfully they were tasty, too!)

(I had decided to go to a local 24/7 diner for supper. After being seated and placing my order, I am waiting patiently when Head Waitress comes up to me.)

Head Waitress: “Sir, I’m sorry, but there’s been a delay in your order. Would you like some soup? We have chicken noodle, broccoli and cheese, Italian Wedding, chicken noodle…” *she mentioned chicken noodle two more times*

Me: “No, thanks, I’m good.”

Head Waitress: “Please, at least for me? Have some soup, or salad?”

Me: “How about some cheese sticks?”

Head Waitress: “I’m sorry, can’t do that. I can give you a bowl of soup or salad. Soup or salad?”

Me: *laughing* “Okay, I’ll have the broccoli and cheese soup.”

Head Waitress: “Very good, and again, I’m sorry for the delay.”

Me: “Not your fault. I know you’re slammed at the moment.”

(They were. There was a large party of about 15, a family in one section of the restaurant, and just about every other table or booth was full.)

Head Waitress: *over her shoulder* “Thank you!”

(I waited a few more minutes, rolling up the little paper band they wrap around the utensils, singing along to The Beatles’ “Strawberry Fields Forever” that happened to be playing in the restaurant. Later, Head Waitress brought out my soup, *and* my original meal order, which was a half-pound cheeseburger with fries. I ate the burger and most of the fries, and took the soup to go. I also ordered a slice of lemon cake to go. Always support local when you can. They try so hard sometimes, and are willing to do almost anything to earn your business!)

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(I am sitting in a diner and overhear a father and son having an intense conversation in the next booth over.)

Dad: “So… I realise I could have handled our last hangout better.”

Son: “You chopped my hand off, dad.”

Dad: “Yes, but to be fair, you were having a bit of a tantrum.”

Son: “Because you just revealed yourself to me as my dad.”

Dad: “Okay, well, I realise I could have worded that a bit better, too, but to be honest, it’s not my fault I came into your life so late. Your mother–”

Son: “Whom you killed.”

Dad: “What?! I didn’t kill her. She died of a broken heart.”

Son: “How does THAT make any sense?”

Dad: “Well… uhm… I don’t know. It was on the medical report. Anyway, forget your mother. Your aunt and uncle–”

Son: “Whom you killed.”

Dad: “Well, anyway, your aunt and uncle colluded with your old neighbour–”

Son: “Whom you also killed.”

Dad: *sighs* “Look, son, I’m trying here okay. What do you want from me?”

Son: “You could stop oppressing the galaxy, for one thing.”

Dad: “That’s kinda difficult, son. I signed a contract, and then there’s the pension…”

Son: “Ugh, fine. Maybe you could just be nicer to my friends, then.”

Dad: “That I can do! When do we meet them?”

Son: “Never, because they were flying their X-wings, and then guess what happened?”

Dad: “Uh…”

Son: “You killed them.”

Dad: *to non-existent waiter* “Check, please!”

(My family and I are driving home on Thanksgiving weekend and stop at a diner along the highway for breakfast. As it is Thanksgiving weekend, all the tables are full and so we’re waiting to be seated. My brother and I start playing with the jukebox as our parents stand nearby. We’re looking over their collection of music when he notices something.)

Brother: *pointing at the display* “Hey, look, does this say there’s still money in there?”

Me: “It kind of looks that way. Let’s find out.”

(I see a song I like on the screen so I key in the code. Sure enough, the song starts playing. As my brother is searching for a song to put on next, another customer walks up to us.)

Customer: “Hey, did you put that Johnny Cash on?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “That’s wonderful! I love this song; it brings back so many memories!” *to my parents* “Are you waiting for a table?”

Mother: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, I was planning to sit around here awhile longer, but you know what? Y’all can have my table. Your daughter just made my whole day! I hope you have a great breakfast!”

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(My boyfriend, some of his friends, and I are at a diner together and they start talking about their current Dungeons & Dragons campaign, which is somewhat horror-based. My boyfriend’s character can “fleshcraft” – that is, he can literally mold flesh and bone like clay – and starts talking about a violin his character is going to create.)

Boyfriend: “So I’m gonna have the rib cage be the… the…”

Me: “Body.”

Boyfriend: “The body of the violin, and then I’m gonna take human flesh and leather it, you know, cure it and tan it and toughen it and then wrap it around the rib cage. Then the spine’s gonna be sticking out to form the… the…”

Me: “Neck.”

Boyfriend: “The neck, and I’m gonna use entrails to make the strings. Then I’m gonna take phalanges to make the… the…”

Me: “Tuning keys.”

Boyfriend: “The tuning keys.”

Me: “And make the femur into the bow?”

Boyfriend: *looks at me* “This is why I love you.”