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Your Comedy Routine Is Going South

, , , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2018

(My coworker does very good impressions and while he normally sticks to celebrities, he can do a few accents, too.)

Coworker: *to boss in a southern accent* “Get ya hands off my gun and go to church or I’m gonna tan your hide.”

Boss: “Mhmm.”

Coworker: *still doing a southern drawl* “Naw, listen here, Jimmy. The most important lessons in life is how to shoot a gun and how to get ’em girls pregnant, y’hear?”

(The phone rings and my boss goes into his office to answer it.)

Me: “[Coworker], you know [Boss] is from Georgia, right?”

Coworker: “Georgia… wait, like…?”

Me: “Like the south of the south! You’re basically doing a bad impression of people from his home state.” *sarcastically* “Way to go, buddy.”

Coworker: “No… No! He doesn’t have an accent! How the hell was I supposed to know? Are you sure he’s from Georgia? He has like no accent. He speaks like us!”

Me: “Like us? You mean he speaks English? You need to stop talking. You’re digging yourself into a deeper hole.”

Coworker: “OH, S***! OH, S***!”

(He didn’t get into trouble, since our boss has a very good sense of humour, but [Coworker] sticks to celebrities now.)

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Sure Beats A Shot In The Arm

, , , , , | Related | September 19, 2017

(My father lives in an Alzheimer’s care facility. My youngest sister, who is a nurse and his healthcare contact, gets called that he has fallen and the facility has had him transported to the nearest emergency department. When my sister arrives at the hospital, she’s told that although Dad doesn’t seem to be injured, they have taken x-rays, as he is almost completely nonverbal and the staff wants to be sure there are no injuries. Dad is an Army veteran and sustained several combat wounds during WWII. Battlefield surgery being what it was in 1945, he will go to his grave carrying a few bullet and shell fragments that are still lodged in his arms, legs and torso. My sister is sitting with Dad in the exam room when the duty physician walks in, holding the x-rays and looking puzzled.)

Doctor: “Can you tell me… has your father ever been shot?”

Sister: *matter-of-factly*  “Oh, yes. Lots of times.”


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Strange Bedfellows

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(My oldest sister and I are visiting our youngest sister for several days. Youngest sister has a family of five and no guest room, so she puts us on a sofa-bed in the living room. One of my nephews wakes up just before dawn and for some reason comes downstairs and tries to crawl in with us. At home I am used to having to defend my part of the bed from two German shepherds, and I evidently boot him out without actually waking up. He isn’t hurt but I get an earful from my sisters in the morning. We are all in the car, running some last minute errands before I leave to return home, when this conversation took place.)

Nephew: “Is Aunt [My Name] going home?”

Youngest Sister: “Yes, honey. She’s leaving right after we go see Grandpa.”

Nephew: “Is Aunt [Oldest Sister] going home?”

Oldest Sister: “No, I get to stay at your house for two more nights. You can come downstairs in the morning and cuddle with me all you want.” *with a significant glance in my direction*

Nephew: “Is Mamma going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Oldest Sister: “No, Mamma is going to sleep upstairs in her own bed.”

Nephew: “Is Daddy going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Youngest Sister: “Not if he knows what’s good for him.”

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A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2014

(It’s Christmas Eve. I’m waiting tables with one other waitress for the night at a diner. This waitress is a sweetheart, but has had a terrible year. She was evicted from her apartment shortly after her boyfriend died, leaving her a homeless single mother, crashing on couches, trying to finish her last year of nursing school. A man who comes in regularly asks to be placed at one of her tables. He orders a single cup of coffee, and asks for the check.)

Customer: “Miss, I have my money to pay.”

Waitress: “All right. So, that’s $1.10.”

(The customer takes her hand in his, places a wad of money in it, and closes it.)

Customer: “Merry Christmas. Keep the change.”

(He left without saying another word. She opened her hand and burst into uncontrollable tears when she found $500.00 with a note that said ‘For Mama and Baby.’)

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For You, We’re Always Closed, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | December 4, 2012

(Our restaurant is, and always has been, closed on only two days a year: Thanksgiving and Christmas.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make reservations for Thanksgiving.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re closed on Thanksgiving. Would you like a reservation for another day?”

Caller: “But your website says you’re open.”

Me: “Occasionally our website has tricky wording; perhaps it was another of our locations that’s decided to remain open for the holiday.”

Caller: “No, it says you’re open.”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we are closed on Thanksgiving.”

Caller: “It says you’re open. I’d like to make a reservation for Thanksgiving.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are only closed for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as it’s been for the past six years. I promise you, we are not open on Thanksgiving.”

Caller: “BUT IT SAYS YOU’RE OPEN. YOU’RE OPEN! I WANT A RESERVATION!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what to tell you. We are closed on Thanksgiving. No one will be here to cook for you.”

Caller: “I JUST WANT A FREAKING RESERVATION!” *click*

Me: *to my manager* “Well… that was fun.”

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