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Coconuts About Dairy

, , , , | Right | June 27, 2019

(I work for a coffee shop set in the middle of an open-university campus. A woman walks in with her friend.)

Woman #1: “Is there any dairy in your [specialty drink]?”

Me: “Yes, there is, but we do have dairy substitutes such as soy, coconut, and almond milk.”

Woman #2: “Oh, see? They do have dairy substitutes.”

Woman #1: “Okay, that’s good. I’m allergic to soy, though, so I can’t have dairy or soy milk.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Would you like almond milk or coconut milk?”

Woman #2: “Is that a dairy substitute?”

Me: *getting a bit agitated* “Yes. Almond milk and coconut milk do not contain any dairy.”

Woman #1: “Coconut milk sounds good.”

Me: “Okay, great. What size would you like your [specialty drink]?”

Woman #1: “Wait… Where does coconut milk come from?”

Woman #2: “Is it dairy-free?”

Me: *internally screaming* “It is milk… that comes from a coconut.”

Woman #2: “Oh…”

Woman #1: “Is it dairy-free?”

Me: *literally cannot handle the stupidity much longer* “Your total is $4.72.”

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Pulling Out The Hard Disk Is Not A Viable Method Of Protection

, , , , | Legal | May 22, 2019

(I belong to the “senior citizen” demographic that many telemarketers target and exploit; hence, I receive numerous calls from scammers trying to sell me computer security software. One of the scams going around for the past several years is from “Windows Technical Support.” If you go through with the process, you have essentially handed over the control of your computer to them. In fact, there are many stories of people who fell for this scam and had to pay up to regain control of their computers, and many of the victims are senior citizens. I get a call and the telemarketer asks if there is a “senior citizen” in my household. I think it has to be a scammer looking for a gullible old man, so I decided to play along and play dumb.)

Scammer: “Hello, I am [Scammer] calling from Windows PC Tech Support. Is there a senior citizen in your household?”

Me: “Yes, I am a senior citizen.”

Scammer: “Sir, our company provides technical support for Windows Operating System. We have monitored several error messages from your computer. We suspect that your computer is infected with computer viruses and would like to help you fix your computer.”

Me: “Huh… What?”

Scammer: *realizing that he is talking to a senior citizen and needs to dumb down* “Sir, do you have a computer in your home?”

Me: *excitedly* “Yes! Yes!”

Scammer: “The Windows in your computer is infected with viruses.”

Me: “What windows? What are you trying to sell?”

Scammer: “No, sir, I am not trying to sell anything. We want to help you with your Windows.”

Me: “Are you selling windows? We don’t need no windows. We changed ours only last year.”

Scammer: “No, sir, not the windows of your home.”

Me: *annoyed* “Then what are you trying to sell? I don’t have time for this!”

Scammer: *articulating each word* “We are not trying to sell anything to you, sir. We are offering virus protection.”

Me: “What?!”

Scammer: “Your Windows computer protection, sir. Protection!”

Me: “Oh I see. Protection… Yes, I understand. Protection. So, you are selling condoms. Oh, yes, I understand.”

(There was a moment of silence on the other end. Then he hung up. Perhaps he had a good laugh and then typed up his customer service story about an old geezer who thought virus protection was a type of condom.)

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Start The Car Or Get The Girl

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 5, 2018

(When I am eighteen it is deemed necessary for me to buy a car. I buy one from a neighbor that is over twenty years old, but in good enough shape to get me back and forth to college. The car won’t start after a long day at school. My school has a driver assistance program for simple fixes. I call them, and within fifteen minutes a van pulls up. He tries to jump the car, which doesn’t work. The battery isn’t dead, so I assume the starter is having problems. I resign myself to calling a tow truck. I walk to the main entrance to wait for him. When he arrives, the tow truck he has brought is far too large to make it to the top floor of the parking garage.)

Tow Driver: “This one is too big. I’ll call my partner to bring the smaller truck.”

(While he is doing that, I notice a very pretty female student, who has gotten a flat tire in front of the garage. I offer to help. She grabs the jack and spare tire from her trunk and I go to work. My tow truck driver is now standing on the bed of his truck, screaming directions angrily into his phone for the smaller tow truck driver. It is comical, and the pretty girl and I both have a laugh. It is then that I notice that one of her lugnuts is a wheel lock, and I will need the special tool to get it off. This tool is usually kept near the spare.)

Me: “Do you have the adaptor for your wheel lock? It should be in the trunk where the rest of this was.”

Pretty Girl: “Oh, yeah. I didn’t know what that was, so I didn’t grab it.”

(She tries to open her trunk but it is locked. She goes for the drivers door… which is also locked.)

Pretty Girl: “Oh, no! I locked my keys in the car.”

(Sure enough, all the doors are locked, and the keys are on the front seat.)

Pretty Girl: “I think I am just going to call my dad; he has my spare keys and will be able to fix the tire.”

Me: “Are you sure? I would be happy to wait with you until he gets here.”

Pretty Girl: “No, that’s all right. I think your ride is here, anyway.”

(Sure enough, the second tow truck had showed up, so the two drivers and I piled in and made our way to my car. The original driver asked for my keys, sat in the driver’s seat, and tried the ignition. Nothing. He then tried again, this time mashing the gas pedal to the floor a few times, causing the car to start up with a roar like I had never heard from this car. Having never driven an older car to this point, giving it a little gas had never even occurred to me. I was on my way home five minutes later. So, to sum up, I paid over $200 to have another grown man teach me how to start my car. It wasn’t until I was halfway home that I realized my other mistake: I had been assisting a very pretty damsel in distress, and I never even thought to ask for her number.)

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That Explains The White Gloves

, , , , , | Healthy | July 26, 2018

(I am the strange one in this story. I have just woken up after a colonoscopy and my mind is still a bit fuzzy, but I still don’t know what drove me to do this.)

Doctor: “How do you feel?”

Me: “Are you Mickey Mouse?”

Doctor: “No, I’m not.”

Me: “You’re lying. Hi, Mickey!”

(I feel more awake and realize what I just said.)

Me: “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

Doctor: “That’s okay. That’s not the weirdest thing I’ve heard today.”

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It Was All Gouda The First Time

, , , , , | Right | January 25, 2018

(After handing an order — a sandwich with cheese — out the drive-through window, I walk away. The customer starts banging on the window and yelling for me to come back. When I return, the customer holds the now-unwrapped sandwich out to me.)

Customer: “There’s no cheese on this sandwich!”

(There is definitely cheese on the sandwich. It is melted, and stringy, and sticking to the wrapper at the sides of the sandwich. I don’t really know how to respond, so…)

Me: “Oh, uh… I’m sorry… about that… let me fix it for you…”

(I take the sandwich back. I walk back to the girl who is making sandwiches. I explain the situation to her, and we both have a bit of a chuckle. Then, I re-wrap the same sandwich and take it back to him. He unwraps it, checking it for cheese.)

Customer: “Ah, you made it right this time. I guess sometimes we all make mistakes, right? Thank you!”

(And with that, he drove off. Yes, sir, sometimes we ALL make mistakes.)

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