(Our store has a policy that if a gas motor item has had gas and oil put into it, it is no longer returnable. This happens when someone tries to return a mower.)

Me: “Did you put gas and oil into it?”

Customer: “Yeah, I tried to start it and it wouldn’t pull.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but since you added fluids, it is no longer returnable. You can take it to a repair center free of charge, as you bought the warranty.”

Customer: “Are you f****** kidding me? I work seven days a week and only get three hours off. I have no time to go to a center; give me a new f****** mower.”

Me: “Sir, I can’t.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you, then! Let me speak to a manager.”

(The manager is on his way over already because of the fuss created.)

Manager: “Sir, I can give you the address to the repair center.”

Customer: “I already told your stupid employee that I don’t have any time. Now, give me a new g**d*** mower!”

Manager: “Sir, there is nothing I can do besides—”

Customer: “Well, so much for customer f****** service!” *gives the mower a massive kick and storms out*

Manager: “Guess he didn’t need to mow his grass, then.”

(Funny thing was, that policy was posted in big block letters on the receipt that he brought in to try to return it.)

(I work for a company that leases ignition interlocks — car breathalyzers. For reporting and quality, the units are changed every 30 to 60 days, depending on the state. Customers get a countdown, but after it goes to zero, you have to tow your car, as it won’t start. We also have remote changes, where the mechanic just puts it on a machine and tests it. This customer called from a state where remote changes were just installed. His car is past zero by two days.)

Customer: “I don’t know why you didn’t tell me they were remote now! I always go by the tracking number on the package to know when my unit times out!”

Rep: “Well, that’s one way to do it, but your unit also gives you a five-day countdown, and a seven-day grace period, as well. You can also check your time update on our website, or you can call the automated line and it will give you your time-out date, as well.”

Customer: “You still should have sent me an email specifically saying that the unit wasn’t shipped so that I didn’t go by the tracking number. Can’t you turn it back on?”

Rep: “Sorry, your state regulations don’t allow us to do that. You will have to tow it in.”

Customer: “But you didn’t send me anything and tell me unit wouldn’t be shipped! I need something — a time extension, or a credit! I tried calling but didn’t want to wait on hold! I demand to talk to your supervisor!”

(I put him on hold for one minute, and he hung up almost instantly. I guess his car is SUPER important to him.)

(I am sitting in a social committee meeting with some coworkers, discussing company tickets to a baseball game. We recently sent out the company-wide invitation to sign up for free tickets. Note that I am the only person in the meeting who is not a supervisor. While we are discussing this, I have my laptop open, and see that I have an email about the tickets, so I read it to the group.)

Me: *reading the email from an employee I barely see* “Are the tickets general admission?”

Supervisor #1: “Is that [Employee]?”

(Everyone stops to look at her in surprise.)

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Supervisor #2: “How did you know?”

Supervisor #1: “She’s in my department. She sells everything she gets from our company. Tickets, prizes, shirts. One time I got a call from HR because she had posted free tickets from the company on our own classifieds page!”

Supervisor #3: “What? Not even on Craigslist?”

Supervisor #1: “I also sometimes see her wearing clothes from the company store that still have the price tag hanging off them. I tell her about the tag and then she tapes it to her arm so it doesn’t flap around. Then she brags about how she just returns the clothes later! She does it with Kohl’s and Amazon, too. An $8 t-shirt from Kohl’s!”

Supervisor #2: “That’s crazy! It doesn’t seem worth it.”

Supervisor #3: “I see her in t-shirts and jeans a lot around the office, and flip-flops, too. Is she allowed to do that?”

Supervisor #1: “Nope. I have to talk to her about that all the time, but she just doesn’t care. You know, I’ve even heard her coaching her sister on how to keep price tags on purses so they can return them later. They’ll buy Coach bags, fly to Germany for Oktoberfest, then come back and return them! She also brags about taking expired coupons and waving them in cashiers’ faces and screaming at them so they’ll give her the discount just to get rid of her.”

(We were all greatly entertained by this gossip, but we were also horrified by how willing the employee was to share information about this dishonest behavior with her boss!)

(I work in a store that carries all sorts of things, but not always what people are hoping for. Generally people check with us, and thank us for helping even if we don’t have what they are looking for.)

Customer: “Hi, do you have umbrellas?”

Me: “Umbrellas? No, I haven’t seen any since I started working here.”

Customer: “Okay. Well, we’re all going to look, anyway!”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Do you say hello to every customer like that?”

Me: “Yes! Of course.”

Customer: “That’s really nice! I never say hello back, but it is so nice that you say it!”