Beauty Is Pain… Mental Pain

| | Right | April 9, 2009

(I work in the Fragrance and Cosmetics department, and one slow night I had this phone conversation.)

Customer: “Hi, I bought a lipstick earlier today and I can’t work it.”

Me: “Um, OK. What exactly do you mean?”

Customer: “I just…I can’t work it.”

Me: “All right, well, some of them are packaged weird. What brand is it?”

Customer: “Lancome.”

Me: “Those are pretty standard, they work just like any other lipstick.”

Customer: “But how do I work it?”

Me: “Um, you just twist the top part in one direction, and the bottom part in the other direction.”

Customer: “But after I do that, how do I get it back in?”

Me: “You do the same thing, only in reverse.”

Customer: “But there’s a hole in the top. Is this the kind I can’t carry in my purse? It would get all over everything.”

Me: “Um, well, the lid is reusable. You can put it back on the lipstick after you twist it back down.”

Customer: “Oh, that part can go back on. I see! How clever.”

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I Sense Another Frivolous Lawsuit, Part 2

, | | Right | March 23, 2009

(My checkout is right at the top of the escalators, with four kids ranging in age from about 7-13 were playing on them.)

Me: “Guys, please don’t play on the escalators, you could get hurt.”

(The kids go away for all of a minute, then return.)

Me: “I asked you to please stop playing on the escalator.”

(A woman emerges from a display a few yards away.)

Customer: “Don’t tell my kids what to do!”

Me: “Ma’am, then please keep them away from the escalators, its dangerous.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

(Just then, one of her little kids falls down the escalator.)

Me: “You were saying, ma’am?”

Customer: *storms off*

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Invasion Of The Spacey Wedding Guests

, | | Right | December 15, 2008

(A young woman wanders up to the bridal registry counter, her eyes and mouth wide open in amazement. She is alone – no cell phone or bluetooth headset in sight.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Wow! You know why I’m here?!”

Me: “…I don’t know why you’re here, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

Customer: *aside* “HOLD ON MOM!” *to me* “I need Emily’s registry.”

Me: “I have more then one Emily in the system…do you know her last name, or the groom’s name?”

Customer: “More then one Emily? WOW! His name is Rocco!”

Me: “I don’t have an Emily and a Rocco….”

(The customer grabs my computer screen so she can see, and points at an e-mail address on the screen.)

Customer:[email protected]***.com – THAT’S HIM!!”

Me: “That’s his e-mail address, not his name. His name is Richard.”

Customer: “THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL HIM! HOLD ON, MOM!”

Me: “Okay, he goes by his e-mail address. That’ll be right up for you.”

(Customer wanders off, staring at nearby shiny objects.)

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Another Repressed Memory

, | | Right | December 11, 2008

(I have a flat screen TV near my workplace that was showing a recent cartoon on DVD: “Tinkerbell”. A customer comes by with
her toddler daughter in the cart, and watches a bit of the movie with the child.)

Customer: “Aw, that’s cute! What movie is that?”

Me: “It’s Tinkerbell“.

Customer: “My little girl likes that one. How much is it?”

Me: “It’s new, so it should be around 15 to 20 dollars.”

Customer: “15 to 20 dollars?! That’s almost all of my beer money!”

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Let’s Try Something Simpler, Like Boiling Water

, | | Right | August 1, 2008

(A woman comes into the store just before closing, and asks where our muffin pans are.)

Me: “Right this way…”

Customer: “So how do you make muffins?”

Me: “Well… I guess you’d just have to buy a box of muffin mix and read the directions.”

Customer: “Well, what do you usually put IN muffins?”

Me: There’s the mix, then the eggs, then the milk, or possibly water….”

Customer: “What do I do with all of that?”

Me: “Normally, you would mix the ingredients and put them in the muffin pan.”

Customer: “So I just pour them in the pan?”

Me: “You can… but most people put the batter in paper muffin cups.”

Customer: “So do I put the paper cups in before or after the batter?”

Me: “…”

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