Customer: “Can you help me find a certain pillow?”

Me: “Sure, do you know the brand name?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay. Can you tell me what it looks like?”

Customer: “It’s soft… and squishy…”

(I work at a leased department inside a major department store whose slogan is to create magic for those who shop there. I don’t work for this major retailer, but I often will help their customers when things slow down. This happens after I finish with my customer:)

Customer: “I just want these.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t ring these items; I can walk them to another register with you if you’d like.”

Customer: “How dare you be so rude to me? I demand you ring these, now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I work for a leased department so I’m not an employee of [Store], but they can help you at the next register.”

Customer: “FINE! Let me at least pay my bill!”

Me: “Sure, I’d be glad to do that; I can only accept cash or debit. My check reader isn’t working at the moment.”

Customer: “You are horrible. You won’t ring me and refuse to accept my check. Get me a manager!”

(I call a manager from the department store and explain the situation to the manager. The managers are often reluctant to show up, because we don’t work for them. Thankfully, one does show up.)

Manager: “I understand there has been a misunderstanding.”

Customer: “This b**** won’t ring me up or take my payment!”

Manager: “She doesn’t actually work for [Department Store] so she doesn’t ring our items. [Department Store] employees will be happy to help you there. As far as the payment, we can take cash or debit, because the work ticket shows that the check machine is down. So, how would you like to pay?”

Customer: “I filled out this check, so take my check here and now!”

(This goes on for a few minutes longer before I lose my cool.)

Me: “Lady! You’re not listening! I can’t abracadabra the machine to take your check. You could’ve been done had you taken it to another register. Or do you enjoy arguing?”

Customer: *throws the items in her hands at us and storms out*

Manager: “Had you worked for us, I would have had to write you up. But since you don’t—” *hands me a voucher* “—enjoy lunch on us.”

(Best, argument, ever! Thank you, miserable lady!)

(I’m working at a popular department store in the women’s clothing section. It’s one of our busy winter sales, and I’ve been walking the floor assisting customers. I notice my coworker at the register has been dealing with the same woman for a while, and I go over to see if I can help.)

Customer: “It’s supposed to be a $28.99 Morning Special! There was a sign!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that’s not what it’s scanning at, and I need to verify it before I can adjust the price.” *noticing me approaching* “[My Name], can you go find this item on the floor for me?”

(The customer has a $149 winter coat, which is ringing up on sale at $89.99. There’s absolutely no way we’re selling this coat for thirty dollars.)

Me: “I can go check the sign for you, ma’am. Where did you get it from?”

(The customer leads me back to a clothing rack, which does indeed say, “$28.99 Morning Special,” on one end of it. It also says, “[Brand] Knit Sweaters,” right below that, in a font of the same size. The rack itself is filled with that brand’s sweaters, except on the far side where there are two more of the same winter coats hanging on the end.)

Customer: “See?! Right here!”

Me: “Ma’am, it looks like another customer was looking at these coats and just left them here.”

Customer: “But they’re on this rack! It says, ‘28.99 Morning Special’!”

Me: “Yes, but it also says it’s for [Brand] knit sweaters. I apologize for the confusion; I’ll move the coats back where they came from.”

(The customer scowls and storms off, and I see her back at the register arguing that she should get an exception for the $28.99 price. I beckon for a supervisor, and when the woman sees her coming she quiets down and scuttles away. I tell the supervisor what happened, and she nods after the retreating customer.)

Supervisor: “A few years ago, she used to shoplift from us. I guess she finally got a job.”

(I am in the toy section of a large chain department store looking to see if anything new is available for my collection. As I look, a small girl next to me decides to speak up.)

Little Girl: “Are you getting something for your daughter?”

Me: “Nope, I’m looking for something for myself.”

(I go back to looking.)

Little Girl: “Are you a kid?”

(I’m a bit taken aback by this.)

Me: “Well, adults collect toys, too.”

Little Girl: *in a snarky tone* “Well, I’m five.”

Me: “…”

(My friend refers to me as her “Invisible Friend,” because whenever we are out together, I seem to disappear from everyone else’s view but her own. We decide to stop at a large department store while we’re out shopping. We pick up some random items and stand in line chatting at the register, which has an automatic conveyor belt. My friend is ahead of me and continues to chat with me as the cashier rings up her purchases.)

Cashier: *reaching over the plastic wand that separates orders* “Are these yours?”

Friend: “No, those are hers.” *indicating me*

Cashier: “Wait, who?”

Friend: “My friend here. She wants to buy those.”

Cashier: “Are these yours or not?”

Me: “They’re mine. I’m paying for those.”

Cashier: “Do you want me to put them back?”

Me: “No, thanks. I’m going to buy those. Separately.”

Friend: “That’s her stuff. I can pay for my stuff now.”

Cashier: *looking slightly dazed, like I just materialized* “Oh! That’s her stuff!”

(As I cash out, my friend wanders over to a pretzel kiosk. It’s been hours since we’ve eaten and we still have a few stops to make, so she and I agree a pretzel would be a delicious snack. I stand behind my friend to make a queue. She orders her pretzel, pays, and receives said pretzel. I step up to the counter. And the person behind the counter looks at me, turns around, and walks to the back. At first, I assume she’s grabbing more stock or getting something out of the oven, but no. She walks over to a chair and sits down, pulls out her phone, and starts fiddling with it.)

Friend: “Excuse me?”

Worker: “I already gave you your food. What do you want?”

Friend: “She—” *gestures to me* “—would like a pretzel, too.”

Worker: “I already gave you a pretzel.”

Friend: “Yes, but she wants to buy one, too.”

Worker: *walks back up to the counter* “Fine. What can I get you?”

Me: “I’d like a regular pretzel with salt and a medium diet soda.”

Worker: *looking at my friend* “What do you want?”

Friend: “She would like a regular pretzel with salt and a medium diet soda.”

Worker: “I just gave you a pretzel.”

Friend: “It’s for her!”

Me: “Hi! I’d like a regular pretzel with salt and a medium diet soda, please.”

Worker: *sighs loudly, retrieves the order, and then speaks to my friend* “That’ll be [total].”

Me: *hands over cash*

Worker: “Oh! This one is for you!”

(Yes, it took that long for me to suddenly appear. I’m not sure why I’m invisible, but this happens often. Really messes with my sense of reality!)