Diamonds Are Not A Cheap-Skates Best Friend

, , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(I work in the fine jewelry section of a well-known department store. Two elderly ladies, a mother and daughter, come up one day, wanting a pair of diamond studs for their very young granddaughter/great-granddaughter.)

Mother: “Which diamonds were on sale today for the $199.99 price?”

Me: “That would be these right here.”

Mother: “Oh, no, those look awful! They’re so cloudy.”

Me: “Unfortunately, those are promotional diamonds, so while they are a better price, they’re very likely to be cloudy or have visible inclusions.”

Daughter: *gesturing to another set* “These look small enough for her. How much are they?”

Me: “Let’s see… The original price is [several hundred dollars], but with your [Store Card] discount, it comes down to [price more than half off original price].”

Mother: “That’s too expensive! Isn’t there anything you can do for me, as a long-time [Store] customer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s the price calculated with all your [Store Card] discounts. But it is a very good price cut, more than half off. And these diamonds are a much better quality than the others.”

Mother: “Yes, I want something that looks like these, but it’s too expensive!”

Me: “Would you rather get the other pair, instead?”

Mother: “No, those look horrible. I want nice-looking diamonds for [Great-Granddaughter].”

Me: “Well, our other option is cubic zirconia. We have several studs with CZ over here. They’re made by [Famous Crystal Company] and very good quality, and they’ll give you the clear sparkle of a diamond at a lower price.”

Mother: “No, I don’t want fake diamonds! [Great-Granddaughter] needs real ones.”

Me: “I see. Well, unfortunately, those are our three options. We have the cheaper promotional diamonds studs, the higher-quality diamonds, or the CZ.”

Daughter: *impatiently* “Just buy one or don’t. Make up your mind.”

(The mother stared and grumbled over the diamonds a few more minutes, as if something would change if she waited long enough, before wandering away without buying anything. The two of them have come back for the next three sales, having word-for-word the same conversation with me about the exact same items!)

A Bad Month For Math

, , , , | Working | April 29, 2018

Coworker: “[Other Coworker] is probably retiring soon. I wonder how long he has worked here?”

Me: “He’s been here since 1978.”

Coworker: “How do you know?”

Me: “He’s excited to mark 40 years with the company in May; we plan to have a little party for him.”

Coworker: “Okay, but how do you know that’s 40 years?”

Me: “I just subtracted to figure it out.”

Coworker: *looking confused* “If you say so. That’s a long time. Do you know what day he started?”

Me: “No, just that he said it was in May.”

Coworker: “Can’t you just subtract to figure it out?”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Coworker: “Yeah. I’m bad at math, too.”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 77

, , , , , | Right | April 29, 2018

Customer: “Hi. I need to apply for a credit card.”

Me: “May I see your driver’s license?”

(The customer hands me his license and starts making conversation as I begin his application.)

Customer: “I need to get new cards because my daughter messed up my credit. I was a month behind on my bills!”

Me: “Oh, no!”

(I continue with his application, thinking all the time that this is a bad idea. I call our in store credit department with the customer’s referral number.)

Me: “You are approved!”

Customer: “What’s my limit?”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 76
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 75
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 74

How The Number One Manager Becomes Number Two

, , , , , , | Working | April 27, 2018

All the employees wear earpiece walkie-talkies, keeping us in contact at all times. Chatter on the main channel is kept to a minimum, as it’s the default channel everyone is required to use unless requested on another channel.

Our regional manager comes for a week-long visit. Normally, he doesn’t participate in store operations, so it’s the first time he uses one of the walkie-talkies. For some reason, he switches it from push-to-talk to always-on. This means we can hear everything on his end, plus it drowns out everyone else from being able to use the channel. I head off to try to find him to fix the issue.

Before I locate him, he heads into the managers’ bathroom, and chooses to ignore my polite knocks on the door. For the next 20 minutes, all two dozen staff members are treated to a disgusting chorus of a series of grunts, shuffles, curses, farts, and plops, followed by a loud flush.

When he comes out, he angrily looks into my office to ask me what was so d*** important that I tried to interrupt him. I explain the walkie-talkie to him, hearing the echo of my voice in my earpiece, then show him how to properly set it.

None of the employees can keep a straight face when they see him the rest of the day.

A Signature Problem

, , , | Right | April 24, 2018

(A customer pays by credit card, the receipt prints out for them to sign — this is back before all cards have PINs — and the customer signs the receipt. I turn over the customer’s card to find that it’s a new one and they haven’t signed it.)

Me: “Sir, you haven’t signed your credit card yet.”

Customer: “Oh!” *signs card*

Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

Customer: “What do you need to see my ID for?! The signatures match!”

Me: “Because you just signed both, I just need to verify it is your card.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!”

Me: “If someone had stolen your brand new card and I let them buy stuff on it, how would you feel?”

(The customer, grumbling, shows me his ID. The name and signatures match.)

Customer: “See, I told you they matched!”

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