I’ve Got A Lunch Hunch

, , , , | Working | July 8, 2018

(Over the past few months, a huge number of people’s lunches and food have gone missing from the break room fridge. I set up a camera and catch the culprit taking a lunch. I have to sit down for a write-up with her and her supervisor.)

Me: “We called you in because I have evidence that you’ve stolen from a coworker.”

Employee: “I’m not a thief! I didn’t steal anything.”

Me: “Okay, I have the video here, and your supervisor has already watched it. It clearly shows you taking someone else’s food out of the refrigerator and eating it.”

Employee: *laughing* “Oh, that’s not stealing.”

Supervisor: “Yes… Yes, it is. In fact, my lunch went missing a week ago; was that you, as well?”

Employee: “I have to do that, though! I only get a twenty-minute break. It’s just long enough to throw food down my throat. I don’t even get a chance to enjoy it; I just have to throw it down.”

Me: “That’s a standard break for a four-hour shift, and it doesn’t mean you can steal from others.”

Employee: “You don’t understand! I can’t go out for a meal in that time. I can’t have a good meal. I’m just eating as fast as I can.”

Supervisor: “But you have taken other’s things. Just bring your own food, or buy from the vending machine.”

Employee: “But that’s money! It’s not fair that I have to just shove food down that I paid for.”

Me: “Okay. I need you to understand that this counts as a final written warning. Any other problems, and we will be letting you go.”

(Two days later, an employee tells me that their lunch is missing again. I review the footage and find the same employee stealing the lunch. I find her on the floor and hand her her termination papers.)

Employee: “You can’t do that! It’s not fair! I thought you would stop recording after you caught me the first time! You had to tell me you were still watching the fridge! I’m going to sue.”

(I kind of hope she does. I’d love to hear her argument in court!)

Their Humor Is Footloose

, , , , , | Right | July 6, 2018

(I work in the clothing and accessories department of a big department store. A lady comes up to me with a pair of shoes.)

Customer: “Excuse me, these shoes are my size; however, one is slightly too big.”

Me: “Oh, no, can I take them for a moment and find you another pair in the same size from the stockroom, as it could be that these are defective.”

(The customer hands me the shoes for me to go and find her another pair. I take the new pair to her and she tries them on, but she still has the same issue. I then suggest she tries a different style, just to be sure of whether it’s the shoes or her feet. After trying a different style with same issue, we come to the conclusion that it’s her feet.)

Customer: “As only one fits, could I get a discount?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, because the shoes themselves are not defective.”

Customer: “But they don’t fit me!”

Me: “May I suggest some of those little stick-on heel cushions that will make the shoe a bit smaller, so that it’ll fit better?”

Customer: “Do you sell those here?”

Me: “Yes, they’re in the health and beauty department.”

Customer: “Could I get those free instead of the discount, then?”

Me: “No, because I can’t give away products for free.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s not our fault you have different-sized feet.”

Customer: “That is disability discrimination. Get me a manager.”

(A customer in a wheelchair who only has one leg has been behind her the entire time, also looking at the shoes.)

Customer #2: “I pay full-price for a pair of shoes and I can only wear one. Maybe I’ll throw my spare one at you for thinking your nasty weird feet are an actual disability.”

(The lady throws down the shoes she wants and quickly leaves.)

Customer #2: “I should have gotten her number and put her in touch with my doctor to get her weird foot amputated, and we could have shared the cost on a pair of shoes!”

That Really Grinds My Juicer

, , , , , | Working | July 5, 2018

(I purchase a juicer — the kind where you cut the lemon or orange in half, push one half on the cone, and it turns to press out the juice. I get home to use it and it makes a grinding noise and won’t turn. I paid cash.)

Me: *to cashier* “Hi. I bought this juicer, got it home, and it’s broken. Here is my receipt.”

Cashier: “No problem.”

(The cashier rings in the return, gives me my money, AND THEN PUTS THE BROKEN JUICER IN THE BOX BACK ON THE SHELF!)

Me: “Um… That juicer is broken.”

(The cashier shrugged and went back to work. Now when I return something that is broken in the box, I take a permanent marker and write “BROKEN” all over the box and the merchandise.)

Their Biggest Crime Is Their Stupidity

, , , , | Legal | June 29, 2018

(We’ve taken on quite a bit of seasonal backroom help for the holidays. I’m the store manager, and security calls me one day to let me know they’ve caught one of the temporary employees removing a huge amount of merchandise through the back and loading it into their personal vehicle. They’ve taken the employee to the security room and have called the police, who should be arriving shortly. I arrive to find the employee completely at ease, laughing, as though they aren’t in trouble.)

Employee: “Hey, boss! Can you believe this fuss?”

Me: “I have your termination papers here. We prefer to handle this prior to police.”

Employee: “Whoa, termination? What?”

Me: “You stole from the store; you’re being fired.”

Employee: “Whoa, hey…”

(I ignore the employee, turning to the police officers who have arrived and getting the lengthy list of items the employee stole that security has typed up. The officer’s eyebrows shoot up.)

Officer: “Okay, this is definitely a felony charge here.”

Employee: *eavesdropping* “Whoa, wait, what? Felony. This is impossible.”

Officer: “We’ll need to get some more info from…”

Employee: “Hey! I can’t be fired! I can’t be arrested! It’s impossible to steal from your job.”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Employee: “No, it’s… See, I just sell it somewhere else. It’s the same as the store! I wouldn’t have taken stuff if I knew I’d be arrested and fired.”

Officer: *sighing* “Let’s read you your rights there, Einstein.”

Opening Pandora’s Coupon Box

, , , , , | Right | June 29, 2018

(I’m working the service desk counter.)

Customer: “Hi, I have a question.”

Me: “All right, what’s that?”

Customer: “Well, I was on self-checkout, and I noticed the machine printed this coupon for the shampoo and conditioner I had just bought. I was wondering if I could have used it.”

Me: “Oh, those coupons are for your next transaction.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, the machine prints off coupons based on your shopping history, or what you’re currently going to buy.”

Customer: “So, if I would have noticed it earlier, I could have used it?”

Me: “Well, we can’t stop you, but we’d hope you wouldn’t, since those are meant for your next transaction, not your current one.”

Customer: “But, it printed the coupon during my order!”

Me: “Yeah, but, it’s for your next transaction.”

(She stormed off after that. Maybe this is why we shouldn’t have a self-scan. Too many “self” scammers.)

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