We give out coupons to members of our membership program on their birthdays. A customer comes to check out, buying a small purse with one such coupon for 10% off.

I take a look at the purse, and I know that the coupon will not work. The purse is what our store calls “Last Act”, which are clearance items that are thirty days or fewer away from being liquidated or donated to thrift stores. Coupons don’t work on “Last Act” items.

Me: “I’m sorry, but that coupon won’t work with that purse.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “The purse is ‘Last Act,’ and ‘Last Act’ items are excluded from all coupons.”

Customer: “But the coupon clearly says it works on all regular price and clearance items.”

Me: “Yes, it would work on clearance items. That purse isn’t clearance. It’s ‘Last Act’.”

Customer: “But the coupon is supposed to work on all clearance items.”

Me: “Yes, but that’s not clearance; it’s ‘Last Act’. They’re not considered simple clearance items as they’re about to be liquidated.”

Customer: “Can you just… beep the coupon with the register and see if it works?”

I beep the coupon. It does not work.

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “It’s not clearance. It’s ‘Last Act’.”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Clearance items can be returned. ‘Last Act’ items are non-refundable.”

Customer: “It just feels like you’re making an arbitrary distinction in order to deny me the usage of my coupon. It doesn’t say anything about excluding ‘Last Act’ on the coupon.”

The customer makes air quotes with her fingers when she says, “Last Act”.

Me: “It’s store policy.”

Customer: “Can I have a manager, please?”

I got a manager. The customer went through the same song and dance with the manager. They went in circles a couple of times, with the customer arguing that it didn’t say anything about excluding “Last Act” anywhere on the coupon. Eventually, the manager gave the client a 10% discount to get her to shut up and go away.

She accepted the discount, handed the manager the coupon to his clear and obvious confusion as he didn’t ask for it, and headed out.

In 1973, the department store I work at after high school has a deal where if you buy a $19 aquarium setup (gravel, pump, etc.), you can get three free fish after you set up the aquarium and condition the water. A man comes up to me with his receipt and asks for his free fish.

Me: “Certainly, sir. You can choose from these three types.”

They are very inexpensive fish.

Customer: “No, I want three of these!”

He points to the most expensive fish in the store: $50 each.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the deal is you get to choose three of these, not [expensive fish].”

Customer: “The other employee said I could have any three fish!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give you $150 worth of fish for free to go with your $19 aquarium.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I’ve shopped at [Store] for twenty years!”

He pulled out his [Store] credit card and tried to tear it in half, unsuccessfully, while I was frantically calling my manager. My manager arrived, we both explained our positions, and the manager calmed down the customer and gave him his (proper) free fish.

I’m a manager in my section of the department store, and a customer storms up to me looking enraged.

Customer: “Your employees are gossiping about me!”

I doubt this, but hey, the customer is always right… until proven wrong. I follow her to the employees in question.

Customer: “There! They’re speaking about me!”

She points over at two female employees who are busily discussing inventory and how to go about changing the layout of part of the store for new stock. I note that they’re not speaking English. 

Me: “Ma’am, they’re just discussing inventory.”

Customer: “They pointed at me and were talking about me!”

Me: “You can understand them?”

Customer: “Well… no, but your employees should only speak English in the store! Everyone that comes to this country should learn English! No Spanish!”

Me: “They’re speaking Navajo, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t care what dialect of Spanish it is! Tell them to stop!”

Me: “Ma’am, I promise you I will tell them to stop speaking any dialect of Spanish.”

Customer: “Hmph! I should expect so!”

She stormed off, satisfied. Some people are just too stupid and bigoted to fight.

I work in the electronics department.

Customer: “I need to buy a digital camera that I can use to print my pictures at home.”

I show her a few models, explain the pros and cons of each within her price range, etc.

This goes on for almost half an hour, and I can tell that she might have some problems or questions later. I give her my card with the store’s number on it and tell her to call if she has any further questions.

An hour later, I get a call from the lady, who is obviously upset.

Customer: “The camera doesn’t work with my printer.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I plugged in my camera to the computer, but it won’t print the pictures.”

I then proceed to help her troubleshoot. Finally, after an hour, I have run out of all logical ideas, so I ask her my final question.

Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry to ask you this, and I do not mean any offense, but is your printer plugged in?”

Customer: “Does… does it have to be?”

Customer: “I need help picking out a blow dryer.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. What can I do to help you make a decision?”

She takes one out of the box and looks at the warning label.

Customer: “I want one that won’t electrocute me if I dropped it in the bathtub.”

Me: *Blinks* “They will all pose that risk, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, that can’t be right.”

She made me open every single model of blow dryer looking for one without the warning label. When we (obviously) couldn’t find one, she stormed off.

Have you encountered a customer so stupid that you wondered how they were still alive? Check out more improbable survivors with our roundup: 10 Hilarious Stories About Customers Who Should Not Be Alive!