(I am so sick and tired of fake laughing at this same joke. This time I play stupid. I am using a machine to check some bills for authenticity.)

Customer: “Are they good? I just made them this morning!”

Me: *stern, serious look on my face* “You printed these bills yourself?”

Customer: “Uh, no, I… Hehe, it was a joke.”

Me: “You realize printing counterfeit bills is a very serious felony? You could go to jail for 14 years.”

Customer: “Yes, I, uh… but they’re good, right? I was kidding.”

Me: “You’re lucky my machine isn’t showing any signs that they are counterfeit. But you should be more careful next time; it’s not something to joke about.”

(The customer nodded gravely, and left with his purchase and change. I don’t think I’ll be hearing that joke from him again!)

(I am on the shop floor with my mum, who has come to meet me on my lunch break. Due to a combination of the hot weather and having skipped breakfast, out of nowhere I faint. My mum puts me in the recovery position and some of my colleagues start to come over to see if I’m OK. Amidst the commotion, a customer comes over, sees my uniform, and bends over to where I am LYING ON THE FLOOR.)

Customer: “Excuse me, what time do you close today?”

Me: *too woozy and shocked to think of another response* “4:30.”

(The customer walked off without even a thank you.)

(We work in a single-story building. Our store is a little smaller than others of the same chain in the area. I am rearranging the lawnmowers when a woman approaches me.)

Woman: “Excuse me; I can’t seem to find the bicycles.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t carry bicycles in this store. We have a bicycle section with some small things, but you have to go to [Other Location] for actual bikes.”

Woman: “No, your BICYCLES. I need a bicycle.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t carry them.”

Woman: “YES, you DO!”

Me: “Our other stores do. Our store is too small.”

Woman: “I saw them YESTERDAY. Ugh.”

Me: “Really? Where?”

Woman: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “Maybe you were at [Other Location]?”

Woman: “You’re not LISTENING. Just show me the bicycle section.”

(I lead her to the bicycle section where we have a few spare tires, pumps, etc.)

Woman: No, where your BICYCLES ARE.

Me: *frustrated* “OHHH, our BICYCLES! Sorry, I didn’t understand. You are looking for our bicycles, but not at [Other Location]?”

Woman: “YES, FINALLY!”

Me: “The bicycles are upstairs!”

Woman: “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO THE FIRST TIME!?”

(She stormed off. I alerted the rest of our team about the crazy lady and fess up to sending her to our nonexistent upstairs. I got scolded later. Worth it.)

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(I work as a cashier and I have a very new cashier on the till next to mine so I can help her if she has any questions. The new cashier turns to ask me a quick question about a transaction while I am serving an elderly man.)

Me: *to customer* “I’m sorry, sir, please give me just one second.”

(The question is simple and I do not even have to leave my till to deal with the problem. The entire exchange takes maybe a minute at most.)

Customer: *very rudely* “Excuse ME, but I believe you were serving me first.”

Me: “Sorry about that, sir. This is [Coworker]’s first time on cash alone and I am to make sure that I help her if she gets stuck.”

Customer: “Well, that isn’t my problem.”

(I politely ignore his rude tone and finish scanning his last couple items. In his order is a large number of cleaning supplies.)

Customer: “I am getting ready for a full weekend of spring cleaning. Cleanliness is next to godliness, you know!”

Me: *smiling and handing him his shopping bag* “Yes, and so is patience, so I hear.”

(I am in high school. I have a dress I am going to wear for a choir concert that requires a strapless bra. As I do not own one, my mother takes me lingerie shopping. We aren’t having much luck, as my boobs are not exactly perky, so my mother calls the saleslady in.)

Mom: “Excuse me, could you help us here?”

(The lady comes in, takes one look at me, and looks back to my mother.)

Saleslady: *small snort* “Well, I’m not a miracle worker.”

(Both my mother and I were so shocked at her rudeness we couldn’t think what to say. Later, we complain to the store manager.)

Manager: “Oh, that must have been [Saleslady]. She does that kind of stuff all the time. I don’t know how she gets away with it.”