I am waiting for the elevator in the department store where I work. A customer is standing next to me holding two oranges in his hand. It’s a little odd, but our store has a small grocery section, so I don’t question it.

The elevator arrives and we both step on, joining another customer. We ride in silence for a moment. Then, the other customer starts talking to the customer holding the oranges.

Customer #2: “Do you know how to juggle?”

Customer #1: “Yes.”

Instead of juggling with the oranges, [Customer #1] hands them to [Customer #2] and gets three juggling balls from his pocket. He juggles with all three balls for the rest of the elevator journey, and he continues his juggling even as he leaves the elevator.

I am so transfixed by the juggling that I don’t realize that [Customer #2] is still in the elevator with me after the doors close again.

Customer #2: “That was awesome!”

Me: “Yes, but now you’re carrying his oranges.”

[Customer #2] looks down and realizes that he is indeed holding them.

Customer #2: “Oh, crap!”

Me: “Do you know him?”

Customer #2: “No! What do I do with these?”

I took them off his hands and took them to my customer service desk, where I paged for the “juggling customer” to come and claim his oranges.

I got a lot of weird looks for that one!

A customer starts speaking to me in — as far as I can tell — an English accent. Their English is perfect.

Customer: “Excuse me. Would you fetch an employee who can speak Spanish, please? I can’t speak any English.”

Me: “You can’t speak English?”

Customer: “Not a word.”

Me: “But you can speak Spanish?”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “I can certainly find a Spanish-speaking coworker for you, sir, but I feel I need to point out that we’re both speaking English at the moment, and I must say, you’re doing wonderfully.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m speaking English! I must have sobered up. Wait, why do I sound British?” *Wanders off*

Whatever he’s on is one heckuva drug.

Our department store is admittedly huge, with many departments, including a health center, so it’s easy to get turned around. I am having a conversation with my manager when an older customer comes storming up to us.

Customer: “Your employee completely ignored me! I’ve never seen someone be so rude in my entire life! I was only asking for directions!”

Manager: “I am so sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can you point out which employee it was?”

Customer: “He’s standing right… there! He’s not even moving! He’s just ignoring me and gloating!”

Manager: “That’s because that’s a mannequin, ma’am.”

Customer: “A mannequin?”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am. I am, however, a flesh and blood human being, so allow me to help. Where did you need directions to?”

Customer: “Well… I don’t want to say now.”

Manager: “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me where you’re trying to get to.” 

Customer: *Sheepishly* “The eye doctor.”

A customer is checking out at our large department store and is attempting to make a rather large purchase using their store credit card. It declines.

Me: “Sir, your card has been declined.”

Customer: “Why? It’s a [Store] card, and you’re [Store]. You can’t decline it!”

Me: “We would happily accept it, but it seems there might be insufficient funds on the card. If you paid some of it off, you could use it again. I can process that here for you if you like.”

Customer: “Okay, well then, let’s do that.”

He stands there doing nothing, looking at me expectantly.

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “What are you waiting for? Let’s do that thing that you said.”

Me: “I would need a card or some cash.”

Customer: “You’re holding the card!”

Me: “Sir, you cannot pay off your [Store] credit card with your [Store] credit card.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “It would be like trying to blow up a balloon using only the air inside the balloon.”

Customer: “Why are we talking about balloons?”

Me: “Never mind, sir. The point is that you have to use another card — a debit card — to pay off a credit card.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Sir, you’d be trying to pay off the money you owe using the money you owe. It wouldn’t achieve anything.”

Customer: “Wait… I owe you guys money?”

Me: *Without skipping a beat* “I’m going to transfer you to my supervisor.” 

I’m not paid enough to deal with that much stupid.

I work in the rug department.

Customer: “I want a carpet that’s three metres by two metres.”

Me: “That’s most of the rugs in this section, sir.”

Customer: “I looked already! They’re all 200cm by 300cm!”

Me: “That’s the same size, sir.”

Customer: “Are you stupid? I want a carpet that’s three metres by two metres!”

Me: “Sir, while the units are different, they’re the same size.”

Customer: “Stop bulls***ting me. You’re just too lazy to find what I need.”

I get a tape measure out, and his bluster is cut down by the revelation that one metre is a hundred centimetres. But he still needs to have the last word.

Customer: “Well, they’re in the wrong order anyway! I need three by two, not two by three!”