(It’s about a week after my stepfather’s funeral, and we’re still getting various letters from ends that haven’t been tied up yet. I’m calling his dental practice after receiving a letter saying he needs to make an appointment.)

Me: “Good morning, I’m calling about a letter my stepfather, [Stepfather’s Name], received this week. ”

Receptionist: “Oh, good, yes. He’s incredibly late for his next check-up. Shall I make him an appointment now?”

Me: “Well… he doesn’t really need one.”

Receptionist: “What do you mean, he doesn’t need one? Everyone needs one! Dental care is important! Tell him that if he doesn’t want to end up old with a mouthful of rotten teeth, he absolutely must look after them! Can you put him on the phone, please?”

Me: “I’m afraid I won’t be able to tell him, and I certainly won’t be able to do that.”

Receptionist: “Why not?!”

Me: “We buried him last Tuesday.”

Receptionist: “…I’ll just take him off our system, then.”

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(I’m sitting in the waiting room of a dental office. A dentist walks out of a room with a child and is giving him a briefing.)

Dentist: “Alright, so try not to eat any foods for the next hour.”

Young Patient: “Okay!”

Dentist: “And no drinking pop or juice or anything like that for the next hour as well.”

Young Patient: “Okay!”

Dentist: “But water is okay.”

Young Patient: “Okay!”

Dentist: “And no smoking for 40 years!”

Young Patient: “…Okay?”

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(I have a morning appointment with my dentist for a check-up about my braces, so I stay off school. About 10 minutes before we leave the house, our phone rings but nobody leaves a message and the number is unlisted. My dad also has 2 missed calls on his mobile phone, again from an unlisted number and nobody left a message. We think nothing of it and set off the dentist’s office.)

Dad: “Hi, I have an appointment for [my name] with [dentist].”

Receptionist: “Oh, her appointment’s been cancelled. [Dentist] is ill.”

Dad: “Well, why did nobody inform us?”

Receptionist: “We called your home and mobile; nobody answered.”

Dad: “So, why didn’t you leave a message?”

Receptionist: “I don’t know how to leave a message. It’s not usually necessary. People usually answer the phone.”

Dad: “…Excuse me?”

Receptionist: “I don’t usually leave messages, sir. It’s not my fault you didn’t answer the phone.”

(My dad is absolutely dumbstruck at this point.)

Receptionist: “Would you like to rearrange the appointment?”

Dad: “We’ll get to that in a second. You realise if you’d just left a message you wouldn’t have wasted my time or my daughter’s. She’s been kept off school this morning as we were told this was the only appointment available. As for not knowing how to leave a message, I refuse to believe that someone in an administrative role doesn’t know this. Even if that was remotely true, for future reference all you need to do is, when it says, ‘Leave a message after the tone,’ you just speak!”

Receptionist: “As I said before, sir, it’s not my fault you didn’t answer the phone. We did try three times.”

(My dad is now so annoyed we leave the office before he loses his temper. He rings back later, fortunately speaking to a different receptionist, to get me a new appointment. When our appointment came, he ended up royally putting his foot in it as he b****ed out the receptionist to my dentist. Turn’s out it was the dentist’s wife!)

(My mother and I are waiting in a crowded doctor’s office talking about my friends’ families.)

Me: “In a way, I’m lucky that I have a brother. He doesn’t steal my stuff.”

Mum: “I don’t know… he looked pretty good in your ball dress. Backless really suits him!”

(We look up to see an elderly man staring at us in disgust.)

Mum: “What? It does!”

(I am at the dentist waiting to get my braces tightened, when my boyfriend sends me a text wondering what I’m up to.)

Boyfriend: “What’re you doing?”

Me: “Getting prepared to battle my evil nemesis Night Brace, and his young sidekick Tooth Decay!”

Boyfriend: “Wow. Busy morning!”

Me: “Yeah, what’s a girl to do?”

Boyfriend: “Pull out her gat?”