Me: “…and if your insurance doesn’t cover everything, we’ll bill you at that time. Now, as the receptionist at this dental office, I wanted to ask you: would you like to schedule your next routine cleaning in six months?”

Patient: “Sure. Let’s—”

The phone rings. Glancing at the landline’s display, I see that it is a caller who had urgent questions earlier that day but has since resolved them. I’ve been at work for only forty-five minutes and already spent ten of them on the phone with this caller.

Patient: “Do you need to get that?”

Me: “No. The business-owner’s instructions are to work with the patients in front of me before answering the phone. Besides, we have an answering machine.”

As I schedule the patient, the same caller calls three more times. They are not leaving messages.

Patient: “Thanks, see you later!”

Me: “Have a great day!”

As I finish, they call a fifth time.

Me: *On phone.* “This is Dr. [Doctor]’s dental office, my na—”

The caller hangs up. I shrug off my confusion and return to my other responsibilities.

After the caller calls a SIXTH time…

Caller: “Hello, I have a question.”

Me: *Wondering what kind of question is important enough to call six times about but NOT important enough to leave a message about.* “Well, I’m certain I can help you answer your question…”

I was in my first semester of college, working at my first full-time job. I was taking phone calls one day when I received a phone call that went something like this:

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling—”

Caller: “—Hello, I am calling to complain. Your office provided dentures for my grandmother, and you charged her far too much for them!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, but this isn’t—”

Caller: “—But nothing! How can you possibly treat an elderly person this way! You clearly took advantage of her and—”

Me: “—Excuse me, if I can say something real quick—”

Caller: “—No! Do. Not. Interrupt. Me. I have something to say to you people! You should be ashamed of yourselves…”

So, I did as they asked. I didn’t interrupt. This continued for many minutes. They laid into me HARD. Very upset about the way that their grandmother was treated. They were fully justified, I might add. She was treated horribly and was clearly taken advantage of with her procedure. 

They come to the end of their rant:

Caller: “…I will be reporting your office for your behavior. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Me: “Well, I am terribly sorry for how your grandma was treated. That’s horrible, and nobody should take advantage of the elderly that way. But I’m afraid you have the wrong number. That’s what I was trying to tell you.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: “..This isn’t [Dental Practice]?”

Me: “No. This is [Business]. We build websites for dental practices. [Dental Practice] is our client.”

I was a tech support agent for a dental website company! Somehow, this person got our phone number from the practice’s website and, since they were deafened to rage, they wouldn’t listen when I tried to inform them. They apologized for wasting my time and wished me a good day. I thanked them for the apology, wished them an equally good day and had a very good laugh with my coworkers once they hung up. 

I was asked why I didn’t just hang up. If I hung up, they were just going to call back again, but angrier. Also, it was very entertaining, and since I knew they had a wrong number, I didn’t really have to pay close attention to what they were saying, so I just kind of took a little break and browsed the internet.

As a for-profit business, our dental office wants to minimize the amount of time we are here getting paid, but no patient is here paying us. As such, we text or call all our patients to remind them of their appointments.

Me: *Via SMS.* “Hi, [Patient #1], this is a courtesy reminder of your dental appointment on Wednesday at 9 AM. Please reply to this message with an update on whether you can make your appointment. Thank you!”

Patient #1: *Via SMS.* “I will indeed be there, thank you!”

Me: *Via SMS.* “Hi, [Patient 2], this is a courtesy reminder of your dental appointment on Wednesday at 11:30 AM. Please reply to this message with an update of whether you can make your appointment. Thank you!

Patient #2: *Via SMS.* “Left on Read.”

If this happens, I give the patient 24 hours to get back to me and then start being more aggressive. In this case, we start with a phone call. I get [Patient #2]’s voicemail

Patient #2’s Voicemail: “Hi, this is [Patient 2]’s voicemail. I don’t listen to messages. Please don’t leave me one. Text me instead.”

Yeah, but you don’t answer your text messages…

Me: *Via SMS.* “Hi, [Patient #2]. Are you planning to come to your appointment tomorrow?”

Patient #2: *Via SMS, six hours later after I’ve gone home for the day.* “Yes, I will be there on time!”

Me: *Via SMS the next morning.* “Great! We look forward to seeing you at 11:30.”

At 9 AM, [Patient #1] does not walk in. At 9:40, he texts us:

Patient #1: *Via SMS.* “I’m so sorry. You said Wednesday, but I read Thursday.”

At 10:10 AM, [Patient 2] walks in:

Patient #2: “Hi, I am on time!”

Have people stopped being able to read?

Different insurance companies have different sets of bureaucracy a patient has to wade through, with HMO plans being the worst. One such patient has taken his first step into this quagmire.

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] for [This Dental Office], placing a phone call to Mr. [Patient]. You asked if you could become a patient at [This Dental Office], using your HMO insurance. To accomplish this, please—”

As I speak, the phone makes the indicator noises to let me know that someone else is calling simultaneously. I have learned that the person on the other end of the call hears these noises. I do not know why this is considered a desirable feature.

Me: “—Sorry, the phone made a weird noise. To accomplish this, please contact your insurance company and take the following steps to deal with their bureaucracy.”

I provide the explanation.

Me: “After this, we can schedule you for your very first appointment. Thanks!”

Now to check the voicemail.

Voicemail: “Hi, it’s Mr. [Patient]. I didn’t listen to your message. I’ll see you at my appointment tomorrow. Bye.”

Oh, for crying out loud.

Me: “Hi, Mr. Patient, this is [My Name], the receptionist for [This Dental Office]. I just wanted to inform you that you should not come tomorrow as you do not and have never had an appointment with—”

Patient: “I’m sorry, I’m at a shop. Could you please send me an email instead? My address is [email address].”

Me: *Via email.* “Dear Mr. Patient, this is [My Name], the receptionist for [This Dental Office]. You asked if you could become a patient at [This Dental Office], using your HMO insurance. To accomplish this, please contact your insurance company and take the following steps to deal with their bureaucracy: [Explanation]. After this, we can schedule you for your very first appointment. You DO NOT have an appointment tomorrow. If you would like to make one, please re-read this e-mail. Thanks!”

The phone rings.

Patient: “Hi, this is Mr. [Patient], I’m coming to my appointment tomorrow.”

Me: “I see. You asked me to send an e-mail; did you receive it?”

Patient: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you read it?”

Patient: “No.”

I wait as he reads the e-mail aloud. I know from the insurance’s bureaucracy that English is not his first language, and I also know that he is somewhat advanced in age, but I’m starting to think that he copes with this by annoying other people into doing what he says.

Patient: “I am a very old man. I don’t understand what’s going on.”

I won’t bore you with the details of the insurance’s bureaucracy that he has to wade through. Suffice it to say that, per bureaucracy rules, he must take matters into his own hands before we can see him.

Patient: “Thank you, I’ll make those changes.”

Me: “You’re welcome. Have a great day.”

The phone rings.

Caller: “Hi there, it’s Mr. [Patient]’s insurance company. I work for the bureaucracy he’s trying to make his way through, but I still need you to tell me what’s going on. Can you help me?”

That was about the time our phone mysteriously started going straight to voicemail.

Related:
The American Healthcare System, Everybody!

During my second year of college, I had some horrible roommates. One roommate had a breakdown and escalated to verbal abuse towards the end of the year, and I felt unsafe being anywhere in the apartment outside my bedroom. This also meant that I was skipping nighttime tooth-brushing because claiming the bathroom for two minutes felt too risky, even when I was strategically staying out late to avoid running into them before they went to bed.

When summer came and I was able to get the h*** out of there, I went to my annual dental checkup, nervous about the potential consequences of this. I spoke up before the hygienist got a good look at my mouth.

Me: “Before you start, I just got out of living in a dorm with some really crappy roommates. I haven’t been brushing my teeth at night at all.”

She was politely solemn and nodded along as I described how scared I’d been and how my oral hygiene had been disrupted because of it.

At least, she was solemn until I mentioned that I’d been trying to make up for lack of nighttime brushing by using floss picks. When I said that, she jumped out of her chair and yelled, “YES! YES! YES!” loud enough for half the practice to hear.

She then settled down and politely explained that flossing was probably better than just brushing, almost none of their patients flossed, and I did the best thing possible to take care of my health in a bad situation.