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You’re Cheap And That’s The Tooth

| Belleville, IL, USA | Crazy Requests, Money

(I’ve taken my mother to the dentist’s office, and I’m sitting in the waiting room for her to be done. A lady comes rushing in, and has the following conversation with the receptionist…)

Woman: “Hi, I’m sorry, but I have a crazy request! I’m going to a doctor’s appointment, and I forgot to brush my teeth! Can I get a toothbrush from you? Do you have free toothbrushes, like, to give to patients? I don’t have time to go out to a store!”

(This street has a drug store, at least three grocery stores, about four convenience stores, and a big chain retail superstore all within a quarter mile. And this is a small town, where stores are all crammed onto a few main streets that you have to take to get anywhere.)

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any dental hygienists, so we don’t carry toothbrushes to give out, even to patients.”

Woman: “Oh, no! But I’m going to a doctor’s appointment. I need to brush my teeth, and I just saw your sign and thought maybe you’d have some!” *laughs loudly*

Receptionist: “Well, sorry. There is a drug store right up the street.”

Woman: “No, then I’d be late! Oh, well.” *runs out*

(I don’t know why she thought walking into a random dentist office and trying to explain all that would on the slim chance that they might give her a toothbrush would be quicker than stopping into a store. Somehow, I got the feeling she just wanted a free toothbrush.)

‘X’ Marks The Stupid

, | NY, USA | Extra Stupid

(I work as part of the front desk staff at a medical office. In order to treat patients they must first sign consent forms, which can vary based on what procedure one is getting. Our standard forms have all the options and we mark where the patient must sign/initial with a red “X” to make it very clear, as well as informing the patient to sign anywhere they see these red “X”s.)

Patient: “Do I have to sign all of these?”

Me: “No, only where there’s a red ‘X.’”

Patient: “So all of these?”

Me: “No, there are only two red ‘X’s there. That’s where you sign.”

Patient: “So I don’t have to sign all of the other ones?”

Me: “No… Only where it’s indicated.”

(After returning the forms to me, I saw that she signed everywhere EXCEPT where I had told her to. I had to ask her to step back up the desk and then physically pointed out each place to sign.)

Hit The Nail On The Head

| VA, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

(A couple of months ago, the replacement crown on my front tooth fell off as I was habitually biting on one of my fingernails. I set up an appointment for the next day to get it replaced.)

Assistant: “So, what were you doing when it fell out?”

Me: “Well, I was biting my nail…”

(I look over and see a look of horror on the woman’s face. I’m very aware that a lot of people find this habit disgusting, and she was elderly, so I just assumed it was a combination of the two.)

Me: “I know. I know. It’s a bad habit…”

Assistant: “Why would you do that?!”

Me: “…I’m sorry? It’s just biting my nails.”

(I lift up my thumb to my mouth and making a biting motion, and she sighs in relief.)

Assistant: “You mean your FINGER nails! Oh, thank goodness.”

Me: “What did you think I meant?”

Assistant: “NAILS. Like you hit with a hammer.”

Me: “WHAT?! Why would anyone just be biting on nails?”

Assistant: “We get a lot of people…”

Should Have Known All A Bong

| New Castle, DE, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Health & Body

(I’ve driven a friend of mine to go get his wisdom teeth taken out. My friend happens to be a smoker, and I’ve noticed an unusual smell in his car that I’d been unable to place for about a month. At the end of the appointment, the assistants are talking to us about how he can take care of himself while healing.)

Assistant: “And [My Name] says you smoke, so that’s something we need you to not do while healing. Okay?”

Friend: “Can I hit a bong?”

(Well, now I know what that smell was.)

Their Welfare Status Is Okie Dokie

| New Zealand | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Money

(I am a dental assistant at a dental surgery and move between answering phones and assisting the dentist. We have irate patients regularly, who get treatment done and then claim they weren’t told how much it was and refuse to pay, or try to get refunds on treatment already received, or try to get money refunded that was paid for by the government. This particular patient was the latter case. I have come up with a useful way to deal with these stressful phone calls.)

Me: “Good morning, [Dental Clinic]!”

Patient: “It’s [Patient]. You guys told me I’d be getting my money refunded for my dental care! I want my money back and you haven’t put it in my f****** account!”

Me: “Just give me a minute sir, while I bring up your file and have a look… Oh, I see. Yes, the money for your dental care was being refunded, but since your care was paid for by [Welfare], the money will be refunded to them.”

Patient: *suddenly polite* “Oh, no, no. [Welfare] told me that you can give it to me and then I’ll give it to them. No problem!”

Me: “I highly doubt [Welfare] would have told you that, sir. We deal with [Welfare] directly, and will refund the money straight back into their account.”

Patient: “THAT’S MY F******* MONEY! You mother-f***** con-artists better give me that money! I DESERVE THAT MONEY!”

Me: “No need to swear, sir. There is really nothing more to discuss.”

Patient: “YOU GIVE ME THAT GOD-D*** MONEY!! IF I DON’T SEE THAT MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT BY TOMORROW, I WILL COME AND SEE YOU!”

Me: “Okie dokie. That won’t be happening, sir.”

Patient: “I’M SERIOUS!  I’LL COME DOWN THERE! YOU BETTER TELL YOUR BOSS TO WATCH HIS BACK!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir.”

Patient: “I KNOW WHERE HE PARKS! I DESERVE THAT MONEY! YOU GUYS ARE RIPOFFS, F****** C****!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir.”

Patient: “F*** YOUR ‘OKIE DOKIE!’ GO TO H***!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir. I’m hanging up now. Have a nice day.”

Patient: “F*** YOU. IF YOU HANG UP I’M RINGING BACK UNTIL I SEE THAT MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir. Goodbye.”

Patient: “I SAID F*** YOUR OKIE DO—” *click*

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