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The Fall Of A Family

, , , | Related | July 17, 2017

(A few days earlier my father had an accident. A staircase collapsed under him, and there was some worry that he had a fracture on his spine. Luckily he escaped with just a concussion and a few stitches on the back of his head. This is the third time in five years that he has fallen on a staircase and gotten hurt at home. He has decided that he is okay to visit his mother for her birthday, as it will be a small party and he can leave early. During lunch this conversation happens:)

Mother: “He has now fallen on the stairs to the first floor and broken his ankle. He has fallen on the stairs to the front door, and dislocated his arm. This time it was the stairs to the basement and his head. Maybe he should just avoid the stairs all together.”

Grandmother: “Poor man, he is so unlucky. Isn’t it your turn to fall soon?”

Working On The Heart Of The Roman Empire

, , , | Learning Related | June 6, 2017

(My brother is helping me study for my hematology exam and asks to see when one of my books was printed.)

Brother: “202. Makes more sense, seems like much of this was invented in the tens.”

Me: “Sorry, when?”

Brother: “202.”

Me: “Hopefully it’s 2002.”

Brother: “Oh, yeah! I didn’t know the Roman doctors were so advanced!”

(My brother the Latinist, ladies and gentlemen.)

Needs To Redress That Poster

, | Right | May 15, 2013

(I run a vintage shop, where I sell all kinds of retro and vintage items. I have just learned how to fix broken zippers on jackets, holes in shirts and other things you can do with a sewing machine. I have a poster that says I offer this service, for about $3 per item. A customer approaches my counter.)

Customer: “Hello, I saw your poster. I was wondering if I could get you to make a wedding dress for my daughter? She’s about the same size as you. It needs to be white, with puffed shoulders, and roses with glitter. Not real roses, but fabric ones. It needs to be a full-length skirt.”

Me: “Sounds like a pretty dress, but my sewing skills are really nowhere near high enough to make a wedding dress. I only fix zippers and holes in shirts, and such.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand! It’s a very simple dress! Anyone can make that kind of dress, so why can’t you? Listen, I know your poster says $3 per item, but I’m willing to make it $15. Then you also have enough to buy the fabric!”

Me: “Listen, I think you misunderstood what I said. I can’t make that dress; it’s not possible for me. And even if I could, which I really can’t, $15 would never be enough to buy fabric for a full-length skirt and puffed shoulders. I’m really sorry, but you need to find someone else to make the dress.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Your poster says you sew stuff! And now you say you can’t make a simple wedding dress? That’s false advertisement! Where’s your manager? I need to speak to your manager!”

Me: “I am the manager; I’m really sorry, but—”

Customer: “Then get me the owner!”

Me: “I’m also the owner of this store, but if you would just—”

Customer: “What the h***! Then where do I file a complaint, so I can get your a** fired for false advertisement?”

(I usually don’t get angry, but the woman is now getting on my nerves.)

Me: “Lady! You need to listen! I can not make that wedding dress, because my sewing skills are not that great!”

Customer: “But the—”

Me: “—and if you would just pay a little more attention to what you read, the poster clearly states I only do small sewing tasks and fix-ups! It doesn’t say I do full-length wedding dresses! So please, if you would just be so kind to find someone else to make the dress, that would be lovely! Have a nice day, madam!”

(The customer stands there for a few seconds, trying to find an argument she can use against me. When she fails, she leaves the store. Another customer, who’s been there the whole time, suddenly bursts out in laughter.)

Other Customer: “Hahaha! If my future wife came down the aisle in a dress with puffy shoulders and roses with glitter, I think I would leave her at the altar! And to get that woman as a mother-in-law? H*** no!”

Time Waits For No Madam

, , , | Right | April 8, 2011

(I’m selling tickets to a mother and her six-year-old daughter.)

Daughter: “Mom, when can we see the movie?”

Mother: “It starts in fifteen minutes.”

Daughter: “And how long does that take? An hour?”

Lieutenant Dan’s Fruit Company

, , | Right | February 3, 2011

Caller: “It won’t stop loading! I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes and it hasn’t stopped loading yet! Help me!”

Me: “All right, ma’am. Let’s start by refreshing the page.”

Caller: “Re… what?”

Me: “Refreshing, ma’am.”

Caller: “How do I do so?”

Me: “Which kind of computer do you have?”

Caller: “Why?”

Me: “Which button you have to push depends on your computer. Is it a normal PC or an Apple?”

Caller: *to husband* “Honey, she’s rambling! Now she thinks we’re selling apples! How stupid does she think I am!?” *click*

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