(When I was younger, I kept breaking my arms and legs. This takes place during that period. I think that I was about six years old. I break my right leg during gym class and go to the hospital with my parents. I go through the whole process of having doctors look disbelievingly at me, because surely my leg couldn’t be broken from such a minor fall; I have extremely brittle bones. However, the x-rays confirm that my leg is indeed broken and that I will need a cast. Right after the nurse has finished putting my cast on:)

Nurse: “All done. You can go to your own doctor in six weeks to have the cast removed.”

Me: *looking at my mum* “Mum, why is it my other leg that hurts?”

(The nurse had put the cast on the wrong leg! I can’t really blame her though. it was pretty late, and she was probably tired and overworked. I was tired, too. That is probably why I didn’t speak up about it being the wrong leg sooner.)

(My brother tries to offer me some Christmas cookies called peppernuts.)

Brother: “Do you want to nut some peppers?”

(It did not get any more appropriate from there.)

(I am a university student, and money is beyond tight. I am walking through the station, catching a train home for the holidays, when a beggar stops me, asking for money.)

Beggar: “Hey, you. I need money for a ticket; can you spare me a tenner?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have any coins on me.”

Beggar: “That’s okay; I can easily break a hundred for you.”

Me: “Then you have more money than me, so no. Goodbye.”

(She followed me, cursing at me all through the station, until I detoured past a couple of police officers walking by and slipped away.)

(I work for a state-independent children’s welfare organisation, which relies on their support members to run an anonymous hotline for children to call when they’re in need of an adult to listen to them. We’re reliant on our members, so today I call around trying to make members increase their monthly support. Most people are very positive, as we make sure to thank them for their support, and praise them for the good work. In Denmark, we don’t say, “ma’am,” or, “sir,” to each other anymore unless we’re speaking to the Queen.)

Me: *talks about how far we’ve made it with the hotline, but that many children still call in our closing-time* “…so we want to be open 24 hours a day. Will you help support that?”

Member: “Why do you people call and call?! I am so sick and tired of it, and you’re losing customers because of it. Why do you continue?!”

Me: “Because we want to help children.”

Member: “Now you’re being very crude!”

Me: “I’m sorry you see it that way; I just presume you want to help children, too, since you’re a member.”

Member: “Well, then don’t be perfidious! I want you to pass it on that no one wants to be called! You’re losing members on this! JUST DO YOUR WORK!”

Me: “I will. Have a nice day.”

(Apparently, she wanted me to do my job and NOT do my job at the same time; also I was very rude because I wanted to help kids! I put her on a DO NOT CALL list.)

(I’m the stupid one in this story. I’m having a difficult day at work, I’m tired, and my arm is hurting. I call the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment. After a few minutes on hold, where my brain apparently takes a hike, this conversation takes place.)

Secretary: “This is [Medical Clinic]. How may I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, this is [My name]. I… erm… You need my social security number, don’t you?”

Secretary: “That would help, yes.”

(I give my social security number.)

Secretary: “Okay, [My Name], how can we help you?”

Me: “Well, my elbow has been hurting a while. I think it’s minor, but it just won’t go away.”

Secretary: “Okay, how long has this been going on?”

Me: “One or two weeks. But I think before that, I hit my elbow, and it was sore to the touch for ages.”

Secretary: “Well, we—”

Me: “It seems to have the full range of motion, but…” *the secretary tries to cut in, but I keep rambling* “…I lose nearly all my strength when trying to lift something away from my body with my arm straight.”

Secretary: *finally gets a word in* “I’m sorry, but the first available time we have is in two weeks, on [date].”

Me: “Two weeks? There’s an epidemic going down?”

Secretary: *not laughing* “It is really busy right now.”

Me: “Oh… Right… Let me just check my calendar. Right, that’s doable… Wait… You said two weeks… That’s… I’ve got time off from work by then, so I am free all day.”

Secretary: “We… uhh… We still only have that single appointment time, nothing earlier in the day.”

Me: “Oh… Right, right. I… uh… I’ll take it.”

Secretary: “See you then.” *hangs up*

Me: “Did… I just try to have the secretary diagnose my arm over the phone?”