Be Glad You Didn’t Send Him Out For A Flux Capacitor

, , , , , , | | Working | August 12, 2019

(Some painters are painting our house inside and outside, so they are there for some weeks. The boss is constantly pranking his employees. At one time, he sends a young employee to get a skirting-board ladder. The boy gets in his car and leaves. Four hours later, he still hasn’t returned and the boss calls him on his phone.)

Boss: “Where the h*** are you? “

(Inaudible answer from the boy.)

Boss: “You are at home playing video games? Come back now!”

(The boy returns and the boss starts chewing him out.)

Boy: “I knew skirting-board ladders do not exist. So, I just had a relaxed time wondering how long it would take you to realise that your prank wasn’t all that good. Now, do you want me to get some striped paint, double-sided masking tape, brushes made of mink, or a square paint roller? I can go look for them…”

(All the other painters laughed and the boss look very embarrassed. To be fair, the boss did pay the boy for the four hours he was at home playing video games, but he also cut back on his pranks.)

Swipe Left On Family

, , , , , , , | | Right | July 24, 2019

Some grandparents wanted to celebrate their 60th wedding day and they invited their children and grandchildren to our restaurant for a family dinner. They made the reservations well ahead and all in all, there would be thirty persons attending the dinner.

We could see that the grandparents really were excited and looking forward to a nice dinner with their loved ones.

On the night of the event, everyone showed up as expected. Everyone sat down and was talking to each other in friendly conversation while I took their orders.

Sadly, that didn’t last long. 

Not even ten minutes had passed and everyone was busy on their phone. I looked at the grandparents and they motioned me to come over. They were visibly upset and asked me if they could cancel all the orders.

I told our boss what happened and if it was possible to cancel the orders. My boss looked at the table. The grandparents sat there surrounded by the family who were all texting and swiping on their phones. “Sure,” he said. “Cancel all orders. But prepare a table for two.”

He went to the table, had a word with the grandparents, and escorted them to another part of our restaurant where they would have a private dinner. Nobody of the entire party noticed what was happening. 

After having the couple seated, my boss returned to the group and made an announcement:

“I’m sorry to have to tell you that your grandparents cancelled the dinner. They wanted me to tell you this: they expected to have a nice evening with their family in a restaurant. Instead, they ended up with strangers acting like smartphone-zombies. They are not going to buy food for strangers, so they have left this table to have a meal on their own.”

The guests looked very embarrassed and left in a hurry. We tried to make this evening a bit better for the grandparents by treating them like royalty, and my boss didn’t want them to pay for their dinner. But it was still sad that this whole group of people was more interested in their phones than in their grandparents. 

My boss had placed signs in the restaurant asking people to act like it’s 1950 when there were no smartphones. But a lot of people felt offended by them. He even inquired for a phone-jammer, but it seems that these are illegal to have or to use.

So Awful She Brings Down The Roof

, , , , , | | Right | May 31, 2019

(I am standing in line at the cash register. It’s about seven pm and it has been a hot day, but dark clouds indicate that we will soon have some heavy rain. The cashier is helping a woman who is talking on her phone. I am behind her, and behind me there is a guy who is obviously a construction worker, coming straight from his job. I hear another phone ringing and the construction worker answers.)

Construction Worker: “Hello. Keep it short; I’m in the supermarket.”

(A few seconds pass.)

Construction Worker: “So, the job’s off? Okay, see you tomorrow. Bye”

(Meanwhile, the cashier has finished ringing the lady up, but the woman obviously isn’t finished with her telephone call. The cashier tells the woman the amount, but she just puts her fingers on her lips to indicate that the cashier isn’t allowed to speak. The construction worker steps forward and takes the phone from the woman. She looks at him in shock.)

Construction Worker: “You can get your phone back after you’ve finished your groceries so we all can move on.”

Woman: “I know you! You’re one of the guys that’s renovating my house.”

Construction Worker: “I was one of the guys. You didn’t pay your bills, so my boss called the job off. Now, pay for your stuff and get out; there are people here with important things to do.”

(The woman gets red in the face and pays, and after having her phone back she scurries away, but not after yelling to the guy that he hasn’t heard the last of this. She is just outside the shop when it starts raining heavily.)

Construction Worker: *laughs* “She will have a surprise. The roofers were just finished removing her roof tiles when their boss called them to stop because she didn’t pay them, either. They nailed some tarp on the roof and left. We stripped the inside of the house, so she’ll be living in a dump until she finds some new crews, because we’re not going back to that b****.”

(I would love to have seen her when she got home.)

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A Scrabble To Find The Scribbler

, , , , , , | Working | April 29, 2019

(At the factory where I work, coworkers suddenly start writing “funny” messages on the doors and walls of our toilets. It turns out it’s some kind of contest between them. Clearly, management isn’t thrilled, and issues a memo that if anyone is caught in the act they’ll be fired on the spot. But since these are toilets, it is illegal to install camera surveillance. Without any means of surveillance, the memo has no effect and the walls and doors get smeared with more new “funnies” every day. One day, the maintenance department thinks they’ve found a solution in a paint that is supposed to be resistant against all sorts of pens, markers, crayons, etc. They invite a salesman to demonstrate the product. The man comes in with a lot of samples and we all get to try to write on the samples with anything we can come up with: markers, pens, lipstick, pencils, and even spray paint. Nothing sticks to the samples. The salesman cleans every sample without any effort.)

Head Maintenance: “That’s nice. But I want to see this stuff on one door of our toilets.”

Salesman: “Sure you can. I’ll treat one of your doors with our product, but you’ll have to sign this order for it first.”

Head Maintenance: “There’s no way I’m going to buy a product if I haven’t tested it in real life. That’s why we asked for a demonstration in the first place. We’re done.”

(Management found a cheaper solution. They painted the toilets and hired someone to clean the toilets whenever workers used them. That man also checked the toilets for new scribbles. As a result, two coworkers were fired. The walls and doors stayed clean.)

 

It Took Five Hours To Ruin His Whole Business

, , , , , , , | Working | February 8, 2019

This happened twenty years ago. I was a truck driver driving a fixed route of deliveries to several factories in the country. Mobile phones weren’t as common as they are now, so when I was on the road there was no way for my boss to contact me. It was normal for me to leave my boss’s place at 0700 and not return before 1900. Sometimes it would happen that my boss would phone one of the addresses on my route to leave me a message: pick up a load at that address, don’t deliver the load at that address but at that address, etc.

One day I came back, parked the van, and went into the office to hand in the car keys as usual.

My boss told me that my wife had called and that it sounded serious. Of course, I called my wife, and she told me that her father had died five hours ago and she needed me to come home. I asked her when she called my boss. She told me she had called five hours ago and told the boss.

I hung up and asked the boss why he didn’t relay the message five hours ago. He told me that he’d considered that, but he knew that I would return home immediately and that would be very inconvenient for him. And as my father-in-law was dead already it wouldn’t make any difference if I finished my route.

He didn’t see me leave because he was KO’d on the floor. I never returned to the place. I started work with another company one week later. I told them when I applied why I was looking for a new job, and they didn’t have any problems with me hitting a jerk in the face. I did have to go to court, but that was to get my outstanding pay, which I did.

I also made a call to the Dutch Bureau for Taxes about tax fraud, about having five different vans on the road on one license plate, about double sets of books, and about shipments of “medicinal herbs” to certain warehouses.