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Life As A Delivery Guy In Konohagakure

, , , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: beleth____ | October 1, 2022

There I was, a pizza guy in my twenties, making my runs while contemplating just how worthwhile it was to throw my life away for minimum wage, having thoroughly had it with the world as a whole, and in the sort of mood where I would gladly fistfight God himself over the slightest inconvenience.

It was all business as usual. I arrived at the house. I got out of the car, went up to the door, and rang the bell. It was all so pathetically normal. And I was wholly unprepared for what was to happen next.

The door flew open. Behind it stood a child, no more than eight years old if I were to guess. But this boy was far from innocent. His hands moved in a flash, executing signs in rapid sequence. His eyes burned bright with fighting spirit. His shrill voice cried out:


I was devastated. A lowly genin like me could never withstand such a flawlessly executed Katon no Jutsu — not without extensive training and chakra cultivation. From that single attack, with a cry of pain, I fell to my knees, defeated. The superior ninja eagerly took his plunder and vanished without a trace.

But before I could leave, he returned, in his hand an offering of money. His clan leaders had already paid his debts, but it seemed he hadn’t been informed, so I told him:

Me: “The Uchiha clan already took care of it.”

With a smile as bright as the rising sun, he threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared to start his next mission. And with that, I withdrew, wondering how I would ever recover from such a crippling defeat.

Change-ing That Complaint

, , , , , | Right | September 25, 2022

I deliver food for a Chinese restaurant in my hometown. I have a delivery for a hotel nearby. I knock on the room door and a teenage girl answers.

Me: “Hello, your total is $40.95.”

She hands me a fifty-dollar bill.

Girl #1: “Can I have $8 back?”

Me: “Sure, I have to go back to my car to get change. I forgot to bring some in with me.”

Girl #1: “Okay.”

I turn and walk away to get the change. It only takes me about three minutes to return to her door and knock again. As I do, I hear clear as day:

Girl #1: “Hi, I want to complain about one of your drivers.”

The door opens and a second girl appears. Before I can stop myself, I say:

Me: “Did you guys just call to complain about me?”

Girl #2: “No.”

Girl #1: *Still on the phone* “Hold on.”

I can tell she is lying but don’t know what else to say. I put on a sarcastic smile and reply.

Me: “Oh, okay.” *Chuckles* “Here’s your change.”

I walked away and texted my coworker, who was answering calls. I asked her if someone had called to complain about a driver and she said yes. Apparently, after the first girl said hold on and I asked them if they were complaining about me, they quickly hung up the phone.

My guess is that they somehow thought I wasn’t going to return with their change despite my telling them that I would be right back.

This Just In: Doors Usually Open Out, And Drinks Can Spill!

, , , , | Working | CREDIT: ekolis | September 14, 2022

My wife orders a couple of drinks from a restaurant using a delivery service. The drinks arrive, and… they’re right in front of the door of the house, on the little step at the threshold.

I try to open the door gently so I can get the drinks, but it’s absolutely impossible. The drinks fall down on the porch and spill everywhere. They go in the garbage; they’re completely useless now.

How can you be so stupid as to not realize that if you put the drinks there, there’s no way to get to them without knocking them over?!

Can Germs Crawl Through That Many Layers?

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: UltravioletDingo | September 8, 2022

I deliver pizzas for a restaurant. Sometimes, I have to set the bag down on the ground. I wish I had three or four arms, but unfortunately, I don’t. For large or heavy orders, it’s pretty much physically impossible for me to not put the bag down.

Today, I deliver to a physical rehabilitation place, and I call the customer to let her know I’m at the front desk. As I’m waiting, I set the bag down on the floor because I have a couple of sodas and I need to get the credit card receipt out and pull out my pen, etc.

As the customer walks up, she says:

Customer: “Do you think setting that on the floor is sanitary?”

Me: “It’s an insulated bag, and the pizza is in a box. I don’t want to drop anything while pulling it out.”

Of course, she stiffed me on the credit card slip, but she probably would’ve stiffed me, anyway; rehab places and nursing homes are notorious for not tipping or tipping poorly.

I’ve heard this now two or three times over the past couple of years, and it’s always inside a nursing home or physical rehab place. Over the thousands of deliveries that I’ve done, we’ve never had a single issue with food poisoning.

That’s Pretty Sus, Dude

, , , , , | Working | September 2, 2022

I ordered food from a restaurant using a popular delivery app. I kept the tracker open and saw that the car was coming down the cul de sac where I live. As I walked out the side door and rounded the corner, I saw the delivery driver taking a photo of the food at my front door and picking it up. He saw me and turned away, food still in hand.

Me: “Hi, that’s my order.”

Driver: *Spinning around* “Huh?”

Me: “That’s for [My Name], right?”

I showed him the tracking app.

Driver: “Oh. Yeah, I saw you coming out, so I was bringing it over.”

Me: “I came from over there…” *points behind me* “…but you were walking that way.” *Points toward his car*

Driver: “Yeah. Yeah, I was making sure no one took it.”

By taking a photo of the food and then picking it up?

Me: “Right. I’ll take my food, then.”

He put the bag on the ground and walked back to his car. I contacted the delivery service and told them I thought their driver might be stealing orders. They said they’d look into it, but I haven’t heard anything yet. I thought about revoking his tip, but I didn’t want to take his money if he wasn’t doing what I thought was happening.