(Customer #1 is in line ahead of Customer #2, and is buying a large amount of instant coffee, instant noodles, and candy.)

Customer #1: “D***! This stupid credit card thing can’t read my card.”

Clerk: “Try it again, sir, and move the card slowly and evenly.”

Customer #1: “Nope! This f****** thing is broken.”

Customer #2: “How’s studying for finals going?”

Customer #1: “Uh… Not well. Why?”

Customer #2: “Because you’re trying to pay with your student ID.”

(Customer #1 stares at the card for a long time.)

Customer #1: “I haven’t left campus in way too long.”

(I work at a supermarket deli. We have a lot of customers come in who refuse to read the labels and just ask for ‘that one.’ I have an excellent customer service record because I just laugh it off, but my coworkers hate it.)

Customer: “Can I get six of… uh… I’m not sure what it’s called.”

(I can clearly see where he’s pointing, so I decide to have a laugh with him as I grab them.)

Me: “Thin franks, Vienna franks, hot dogs, the long ones…” *I laugh, pointing dramatically at the product* “…or my personal favourite ‘THAT ONE!'”

Customer: *also laughing* “Yes, ‘THAT ONE!'”

(After I weigh it up and he leaves, my coworker turns to glare at me.)

Coworker: “Stop encouraging them!”

(Today all my customers have been placing the exact same order, so I decide to have fun with the next one who comes in.)

Me: “Hello. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi! Can I have—”

Me: “A pound of [Brand] oven roasted turkey? Sliced thin?”

Customer: “Um, yes…”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Coming right up.”

(I slice the turkey for her and hand it to her.)

Me: “Would you like anything else today?”

Customer: “Can I also have—”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. One pound of [Brand] white American cheese, coming up.”

(Her eyes go wide but she doesn’t say anything. I look through the cold case but don’t find an open package of the cheese.)

Me: “Oh, looks like I need to open a new package. One moment, please.”

(I step out from behind the counter and open up the door on the front of the case to get a new package of cheese.)

Customer: “Wow! I didn’t know—”

Me: “That’s okay. Most people don’t know the doors open from the front.”

(Her eyes get even wider. I try not to snicker as I slice her cheese.)

Me: “Aaaaand there you go. Will that be all for you, ma’am?”

Customer: “What number am I—”

Me: “42.”

(She snatches the cheese and runs out the front door at full speed.)

Coworker: “How did you know what number she was thinking?”

Me: “Douglas Adams, dude. 42 is always the answer.”

Coworker: “You’re sick, man.”

Me: “I knew you’d say that.”

Me: “Can I get the chicken salad wrap and a double espresso?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Uh… No sandwich, or no coffee?”

Employee: “I don’t know how to use the espresso machine.”

Me: “Oh. Um, is there anyone who can?”

Employee: “No one knows how to use this f****** machine. You want, like, really boiled down coffee? ‘Cause that’s the best I got.”

(I declined the boiled down coffee.)

(I work in an Italian deli in Brooklyn that sells high quality cured meats. Because of its location, we have recently seen an upsurge in customers from Williamsburg’s gentrified neighborhoods. Two customers walk in.)

Customer #1: “Yes. I wanted to know if you stocked any vegan sausages.”

Me: *thinking they’re joking* “Sir, this is [deli]. Our specialty is aged and cured meats. We don’t sell vegan food.”

Customer #2: *to his friend* “What did you expect from this place? Their vibes are totally off. It’s obvious this isn’t the right deli for us, man.” *turns to me* “Listen, you see?m like a pretty smart guy. You shouldn’t buy into the corporate lies they feed you. You know the sausages you sell are just pumped full of water and corn syrup right?”

(I decide to have some fun with this.)

Me: “Yeah. Right on, man. That must mean those giant storage lockers in the back where we hang the freshly grounded and mixed meat is just an illusion created by the corporate industrialists in order to fool the proletariat.”

(Amazingly, they actually nod in agreement for a few second before realizing I’m making fun of them. Scowling, they finally leave.)

Customer #2: “I’m going to tell my friends about all of the ‘negative vibes’ your deli gives off!”

(To this day I’m not sure if they were serious or trying to prank us.)