(I am working with one coworker who is in a horrible mood and refusing to serve customers unless she absolutely has to. She was wiping a bench and I am carefully washing raw chicken juice off my arms to serve a man who is standing right in front of my coworker, patiently waiting as she ignores him. A loud, slightly deranged regular comes in and, assuming the other customer is being served, approaches me.)

Loud Customer: *cheerful* “Hey love! How are ya?”

Me: “I’m good. I hope you’re well! Sorry, but I have to take care of this gentleman here first. You’re next, though. I promise.”

Loud Customer: “S’fine, what about the other lady? Lady! Hey, heeey! I need some brawn! Pork brawn, thank you, love!”

Coworker: *defeated sigh*

(She serves the loud customer and I serve the other man. The loud customer is VERY loudly chattering away about some conspiracy theory and why he doesn’t eat certain hams. My coworker and I both wind up at the wrapping station for our orders at the same time.)

Coworker: *mutters darkly, so only I can hear* “Holy f****ing h***.”

Me: “Ha. I love him! He actually made you do your job.”

Coworker: *cracks her first smile of the day* “I know; I hate it.”

(As the loud customer left, he practically yelled at my coworker to feel better. Apparently being obnoxious isn’t so bad, as long as you’re sweet at the same time!)

(Due to it being Easter Sunday, management has wrongly predicted a quiet day and we are severely understaffed. I am getting a little frustrated, especially with people making comments about our store being open.)

Customer: “Why are you even open? You should be at home with your family!”

Me: *deadpan* “Why are you even shopping? You should be at home with your family.”

(The customer’s eyes go wide for a split second before he chuckles.)

Customer: “Touché… I am seriously SO sorry.” *walks away*

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(There is a paper schedule that is put on the clipboard each week that is the schedule for the following week. Coworker #1 is mad because he has just been called in; he was supposed to have been in earlier that day.)

Coworker #1:  “How was I supposed to know when I was to come in?! They should have it written down somewhere!”

Coworker #2: “You mean like… a schedule?”

(The first coworker was not too pleased with my second coworker but I believe the rest of us liked her answer!)

(Sometimes we get customers who don’t realise that we have so many variations of different meats. This happens on a day when my coworker is tired and on her last nerve, and is therefore being rather unhelpful.)

Customer: “I’d like some of that one, please.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “The salami.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “The mild.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: *irked* “The Hungarian.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “Gah! The one that isn’t free range!”

Coworker: *smiles brightly* “Coming right up, sir!”

(The customer looked about ready to smash his head onto the counter. Occasionally when I order something from this coworker I’ll repeat the above conversation just for a laugh. For some reason she never finds it funny.)

(One of my coworkers is Turkish, but because of her skin tone, she is often mistaken for Hispanic.)

Customer: *in Spanish* “Can you get me some ham?”

Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t speak Spanish.”

Customer: *in Spanish* “Don’t lie to me, you b****. I want some ham right now!”

Me: *in Spanish* “I can help you, sir.”

(He looks at me with bewilderment, obviously not expecting a white person to be able to speak Spanish.)

Customer: “Sorry, I no speak English.” *to my coworker, in Spanish* “I told you to get me some ham!”

Coworker: “I don’t understand, sir. I not Spanish; I am from Turkey.”

Me: *in Spanish* “She doesn’t speak Spanish, sir. She’s actually from Turkey. I can get you some ham if you’ll tell me what kind you want.”

(He slams both hands down hard on the counter.)

Customer: *in English* “What kind of store is this?! The Spanish person doesn’t speak Spanish but the white person does?! I’m not shopping here!”

(He stormed out of the store, almost breaking the glass door.)