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Fanny Whack

, , , , , , | Right | February 17, 2011

(A customer walks in. His clothes are a bit mismatched and he’s wearing a fanny pack. The eyes are bloodshot and he’s sporting a huge smile on his face. I’m relatively new at this point.)

Me: “Hi, sir, welcome to [Deli]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Um, yeah, can I get some monkey brains?”

(He’s completely serious if a little under the influence, so I go with it.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, we’re fresh out today. Truck comes tomorrow.”

Customer: “Dang, how about some mermaid?”

Me: “Mermaid isn’t in season yet, sir, but our tuna is pretty good.”

Customer: “Bummer. Well, how about your brownies? They got pot in them, right?”

Me: “No, sir, we switched bakeries just last week.”

(After ordering about half of our menu and asking if everything that had a green dot next to it [indicating something organic] has pot in it, he pays and eventually leaves. I’m left in tears as I’m laughing so hard. When my manager asks me what’s going on, I explain what happened.)

Manager: “D***! I missed Fanny Pack Guy?!”


This story is part of the Choose-Your-Battles roundup!

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Who Needs Highs When You’ve Got Dyes

, , , , , | Right | January 28, 2011

(I have light blue hair with dark blue tips.)

Customer: *staring at me*

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Am I still high, or is your hair really like that?”


This story is part of the Worryingly Weird Checkout Encounters roundup!

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Jingling, It Would Seem, Is Not The Key

, , , , | Right | January 8, 2011

(I’m working in the cheese section of the deli, with my back turned to the meat slicer. Suddenly, I hear jingling. I check the floor to see if I dropped something, then continue working. The jingling resumes. I turn around and notice a customer at the meat slicer counter, jingling his keys at me. He then starts making noises one would use to call a pet.)

Me: “Sir, we have bell.”

Customer: *looks at bell*

Customer: *pauses*

Customer: *jingles keys*


This story is part of our customer treating staff less-than-human roundup!

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Magic Marker

, , , , | Right | October 19, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me, I want a piece of this cheese but the only one you have expires tomorrow.”

Me: “Sorry, it looks like we’re sold out of that kind. Our truck comes in tomorrow, though.”

Customer: *holding out the piece of cheese* “Well, just put more days on it, then!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Just put more days on this piece!”

Me: “You want me to print a new label with a different expiration date?”

Customer: “Yeah!”

Me: “Ma’am, no matter what the label says, the cheese is going to expire tomorrow.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid!”

Not To La-Boar The Point, Part 3

| Right | July 20, 2010

Customer: *places foil wrapped ham on counter* “I ordered a spiral sliced ham and you gave me a turkey!”

Me: “Okay, let me just see the turkey.” *I open the foil and see that it is definitely a ham* “Ma’am, this is a ham.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. That is a turkey! I think I know what ham looks like.”

Me: “Can you see the bone and the pinkish color? The turkey is boneless and white.”

Customer: “I know what a ham looks like and that is a turkey!”

Me: “I assure you it’s a ham. Would you like to sample it?”

(She samples the ham and looks flustered.)

Customer: “Oh just give me whatever the h*** that thing is!”