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Getting Pork(ed)

| Right | September 3, 2011

Customer: “I would like a pound of vagina ham.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “A pound of vagina ham, please!”

Me: “Don’t you mean Virginia ham?”

Customer: “Virginia ham, vagina ham, whatever! Just give me a pound of it.”

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah, slice it real nice.”

What You Don’t Nose Can’t Hurt You

| Right | June 29, 2011

Customer: “Can I get forty cents worth of Chicos?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I start putting gloves on.)

Customer: “Oh, you don’t need to put gloves on.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t pick your nose anymore than I do.”

Her Head’s Up Where That Sandwich Is

| Right | June 9, 2011

Me: “Hi, can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like about a pound of honey maple ham, shaved.”

Me: “Alrighty.”

(I start slicing.)

Customer: “I just want you to know, honey maple ham sliced by your hands is like eating a sandwich made of clouds.”

Me: “Um, thank you?”

Coupons Are A Big Deal

, , , , , , | Right | April 15, 2011

(I am a customer at a deli. I am the second in line.)

Cashier: “Would you like to donate a dollar to [charity]? You’ll receive a–”

Customer: *ahead of me* “No! What is it with all these add-ons? I’m so sick of it! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

(The customer continues her tirade and the poor cashier looks like she is near tears. The customer is finished, then the cashier rings up my order. The customer continues to stand at the counter as she is waiting for her food.)

Cashier: *to me* “Would you like to donate a dollar to [charity]? You’ll receive a free coupon book.”

Me: “A coupon book? Sure, why not?”

(The cashier takes my money, and hands me the coupon book.)

Customer: *to me* “What kind of coupons are in there?”

Me: “I don’t know. You can take a look, if you want.”

(The customer flips through the coupon book. She then goes to put it in her purse.)

Me: “Excuse me? That was my coupon book.”

Customer: “Oh right! Oops! How silly of me!”

(She hands me the coupon book.)

Customer: “Say, how about if I buy that $10 off coupon for [local party supplies store] off of you for $1?”

Me: “Well, I guess so.”

(The customer hands me $1, and I give her the coupon. I then turn to the cashier and give her the dollar.)

Me: *to cashier* “Can I donate another dollar and get another coupon book?”

Cashier: “Sure!”

(The customer looks confused and embarrassed.)

Me: *to customer* “Oh, by the way, I get annoyed with all of the extra questions and add-ons too. But I find a simple, ‘No, thank you,’ works just fine.”

Customer: “Hmph!”

(She crosses her arms and pouts until her food is ready. She then grabs it and stomps out.)


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Fanny Whack

, , , , , , | Right | February 17, 2011

(A customer walks in. His clothes are a bit mismatched and he’s wearing a fanny pack. The eyes are bloodshot and he’s sporting a huge smile on his face. I’m relatively new at this point.)

Me: “Hi, sir, welcome to [Deli]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Um, yeah, can I get some monkey brains?”

(He’s completely serious if a little under the influence, so I go with it.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, we’re fresh out today. Truck comes tomorrow.”

Customer: “Dang, how about some mermaid?”

Me: “Mermaid isn’t in season yet, sir, but our tuna is pretty good.”

Customer: “Bummer. Well, how about your brownies? They got pot in them, right?”

Me: “No, sir, we switched bakeries just last week.”

(After ordering about half of our menu and asking if everything that had a green dot next to it [indicating something organic] has pot in it, he pays and eventually leaves. I’m left in tears as I’m laughing so hard. When my manager asks me what’s going on, I explain what happened.)

Manager: “D***! I missed Fanny Pack Guy?!”


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