(I’m working in a deli at a popular store. We have roughly fourteen items in the hot box still waiting to be bought. I’m the only one there and so I go to make a call over the PA to the customers in the store. I end up saying the following instead of my original plan.)

Me: “Good Evening, [Store], and welcome to customers. If you’re wanting a nice late night feed, head over to the the hotter box for some great meals for a late night feed. All items up to 80% off, so why not steal a feed and feel good about it. Thanks for shopping at customers, the fresh food people!”

(A coworker has returned back to the deli without me knowing. I turn around, and he looks at me and states:)

Coworker: “What the heck did you just say?”

Me: “That we had food in the hot box to go?”

Coworker: “Not quite, [My Name]. Not quite exactly.”

(Meanwhile, a customer has come over to the hot box and approaches us.)

Customer: “Is this where I can steal a feed tonight?”

(Needless to say, no one has let it go with me yet.)

Customer: “Can I have the [Premium Brand #1] ham, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t stock [Premium brand #1].”

Customer: “WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! [Premium Brand #1] IS THE ONLY MEAT WORTH EATING!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have it. We have [Premium Brand #2] instead.”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?!”

(I point to my apron, my hat, and the two-feet-by-five-feet sign above my head, all of which are emblazoned with the logo of the brand we carry.)

Customer: “YOU CAN’T EXPECT ME TO READ THAT! [Premium Brand #1] IS THE ONLY LUNCHMEAT I EAT! EVERYTHING ELSE IS S***!”

(I’m the manager of a small local deli. It’s known for unusual cuts of meat, as well as your regular ones. One day a more than eager customer comes in.)

Customer: “Hey, buddy, I want some llama meat.”

Me: “I’m sorry…? Llama meat?”

Customer: “Yeah, my son gets it from here for me every week. Llama meat! You have unusual meat here, and I want some llama meat! Are you new or something?”

Me: “Sir, I’ve worked here for almost a year, and I can assure you we’ve never stocked such an item; in fact, I’m pretty sure hunting llamas is illegal.”

Customer: “No, listen, you little twit! Llama meat! I put it on my sandwiches! See, right there! You have little circles of it, Salamo meat!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir? Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “Llama meat! Salamo meat, whatever! I put it on my sandwiches and it’s red and spicy! Salamo llama meat!”

Me: *putting two and two together* “Do you mean salami? It’s red and comes in circles, and ours is spicy.”

Customer: “Yes, salami! Llama salami salamo meat! Don’t you know anything? God!” *storms out*

(I work in the deli in a small grocery store. I am there with two other people, and we are all in our last week of training. Two minutes before my shift ends, a sweet looking older lady comes up to the counter.)

Customer: “Do you sell salt-free turkey?”

Me: “We do not, but we have reduced-salt turkey.”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s not good enough. What other types do you have?”

Me: “We have oven roasted—”

Customer: *cuts me off* “I will have that. Can I try a sample first?”

Me: “Of course.” *I slice off a piece and hand it to her, but she refuses it*

Customer: “You didn’t wrap it in paper first. I need it in paper.”

Me: “Oh, yes. Sorry ma’am.”

(I wrap the slice in wax paper and hand it to her. She eats it and gives me a thumbs up, but continues talking.)

Customer: “You know, it’s very rude of you to hand it to me without the paper.”

Me: “I am very sorry ma’am.”

(I slice the rest of her order. She turns to my coworker who has just walked up. I am standing within arms distance from her.)

Customer: “Are you training her?”

Coworker: “We are all in training, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, she doesn’t know what she is doing. She tried to force me to take a sample without the paper, and then gave me an attitude when I asked for it. You need to have a serious talk with her.”

Me: *I hand her her turkey in a bag* “I am very sorry, ma’am. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

Customer: “Definitely not. But always remember the paper. We simply cannot do without the paper.”

Me: “Again, I am sorry. You have a nice day.”

Customer: *she walks away, still muttering under her breath* “I always have to have the paper.” *she stops and looks at the bag of turkey* “Hmm, I wonder if this is salt-free.”

Me: *I turn to my coworker who looks just as confused as I am* “And on that note, I am going home.”

Coworker: *mockingly* “Just don’t forget the paper. Always remember that paper. We cannot survive without the paper.”

(A man comes up to the counter and asks for some ham. I put some up on the scale.)

Customer: “Is that more than half a pound?”

Me: “It’s 0.65, sir.”

Customer: “That doesn’t tell me anything! Is it more or less than half a pound?!”

Me: “…”