(I work in a grocery store deli where we can be quite busy on Sundays, especially when it comes to trying to keep fried chicken on the table due to large chicken orders. A couple of people have been waiting ten to fifteen minutes for a new batch when the cook is finally able to bring out two different pans.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

(She has been waiting for ten minutes.)

Customer #1: “Yes, I’d like an eight-piece fried.”

(I start to box it up.)

Customer #1: “It’s fresh, right?”

Me: *rather dumbfounded* “Um… yes.”

(A few moments later.)

Customer #2: “Hi. I’d like an eight-piece fried.”

(I start to get it from one of the pans.)

Customer #2: “No, I want it from this one over here.”

Me: “Well, okay, but they came out at the same time.”

Customer #2: “This one looks fresher. You should see it on this side from where I’m looking at it; it looks fresher.”

Me: *boxes up his chicken from the pan he wants* “Two minutes ago, we had no chicken. I can assure you they’re the exact same.”

(I’m the stupid customer here. I’m out shopping in the morning, and I’m not fully awake. I go to the deli section to get cheese. I want American, and I guess I am thinking about my father saying we have enough Swiss, which he normally eats.)

Me: “Hi, can I get American Swiss cheese?”

Worker: *pauses* “Uh, what?”

Me: “American Swiss cheese.”

Worker: “Um… American Swiss?”

Me: *finally catching on* “I mean American. Just American. No Swiss.”

Worker: *laughing* “It’s okay; yesterday I had a customer swear to heaven and back that American Swiss was a real thing.”

Me: *now also laughing* “Oh, geez.”

(At least the rest of the day went better.)

(I work in a deli, which also has a full espresso bar. I have a first-time customer come in with her husband and child. They each order a sandwich, and then she orders espresso drinks for each of them; hers is a triple-shot mocha, while his is a standard vanilla latte. A few minutes after I take their drinks out to them, this exchange happens.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Could you add more chocolate to this? All I can taste is the espresso.”

Me: *inwardly face-palming but still smiling on the outside* “Sure thing, thanks for letting me know!”

(I add more chocolate and milk to it, and then give it back to her.)

Me: “Try it and let me know what you think; I don’t want you to be unhappy with your mocha!”

Customer: “Much better, thanks.”

(Two things: first, how did she not know that adding an extra shot would give it more of a coffee flavor? And second, because I don’t want to end this on a negative note, at least her husband told me that mine was one of the best lattes he’s ever had in his life.)

(I work in the hot foods section of a deli in a busy mall. I make the pizzas. I get an order from a customer who is notorious for returning and complaining about pizzas, in order to get free food. Towards the end of this night, our pizza oven isn’t working properly and it is cooking pizzas a little bit slower. After giving the customer his pizza and checking with him that it is all right, he returns no more than five minutes later.)

Me: “Did you need something, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, uh.. I don’t think the chicken on my pizza is cooked. I think it’s raw.”

Me: “That’s impossible; our chicken is actually precooked before we put it on the pizza. In fact, all of our meats are precooked.”

Customer: “No, no… It’s definitely raw.”

(I open the pizza box to have a look and the pizza is perfectly cooked.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but your pizza looks perfectly fine to me. I’d be happy to remake one for you, but unfortunately our oven isn’t working properly tonight and it may take 30 to 40 minutes for your pizza to cook. Would you mind waiting?”

Customer: “No, that’s too long. My kids are hungry. [Grocery Store] is supposed to be one of the best in Canada! This is ridiculous; I just want my pizza!”

Me: “Well, sir, your pizza is perfectly safe to eat. The chicken is cooked, if that’s all your concern is about. You can either take this pizza, wait half an hour for another one, or you can go to customer service and get refunded. Which would you prefer?”

Customer: “I just want a pizza.”

Me: *internally screaming* “Yes. Are you taking this one, or would you like to wait? Or would you prefer to speak with a manager?” *hoping the manager will get him to make a decision*

Customer: “I just want a pizza!” *stares at me for a moment* “Actually, get your manager.”

(I page for the store manager to come to my department. The manager comes up to me first to see what’s up, and I tell him what happened.)

Manager: *to the customer* “So, what’s the problem here?”

Customer: “My chicken isn’t cooked. I want a new pizza and she says it will take half an hour! I can’t wait that long!”

Manager: “Well, I can tell you right now that your chicken is, in fact, cooked. It comes to us already cooked. It comes from a bag, and they top your pizza with it.”

Customer: “Well, it’s raw!”

(I’m holding his pizza box and open it to show the manager.)

Manager: “There’s nothing wrong with your pizza; it looks perfect! In fact, there’s almost too much chicken.” *winks at me*

Customer: “Well, I don’t like the chicken. My kids wanted [Grocery Store]’s pizza.” *gestures towards the food court behind us* “They could have picked anything out there. What are you going to do to fix this?”

Manager: “Look, you can take this perfectly fine pizza, you can wait 30 minutes for another one, or we can refund you and you guys can eat elsewhere. Those are the only options; which would you like?”

Customer: “Well, the pizza is cold now!”

Manager: “[My Name], you can stick this pizza back in the oven for him, can’t you?”

Me: “Yeah, no problem! Five minutes and it will be nice and warm! Is that okay, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah… I guess. I’ll be back in five minutes.” *walks away*

Manager: “It’s one of those nights. He just wants free food. Your pizza looks amazing; I’ll actually take a slice of pepperoni!”

Me: “Yeah, we all know him over here. He’s notorious for returning and complaining.”

Manager: “Well, I know him now. He won’t be getting away with it anymore!”

(He ended up taking the pizza. I can’t wait until he comes back to complain!)

Customer: *in condescending tone* “I need a pound of American cheese.”

Me: “Someone’s using that right now; can I get you any meats until the cheese slicer is free?”

Customer: “I need provolone. Is Stella Swiss provolone?”

Me: *pause* “No.”