Jesus Won’t Do Your Math Homework For You

, , , , , , | Right | January 4, 2019

Customer: “I want five pounds of the [Low-Quality, Bargain Brand] ham, chipped.”

(I groan inside, as this order will take a long time and a lot of elbow grease. When I’m about a third of the way done, the man looks displeased.)

Customer: “G**d***, boy! What the h***’s takin’ so long?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. This is going to take a while.”

Customer: “The guy who helped me last week didn’t take this long!”

(He might not remember that I was the one who served him last week, but I do, because of his attitude and his politically provocative hat, which he’s wearing again today.)

Me: “Last week you didn’t order this much, and you didn’t want it chipped, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah? So?”

Me: “You asked for more meat, sliced thinner, so it’ll take more time.”

Customer: “You’re just lazy!”

Me: “It’s not a question of that, sir. It’s like a distance-rate-time problem.”

Customer: “The h*** are you talkin’ about?”

Me: “Like from algebra class. Distance equals rate times time; therefore, time equals distance divided by rate. Increasing the distance and decreasing the rate both increase time, like driving down a longer road at a slower speed.”

(The customer looks at me like I put on a chicken costume and started tap-dancing. Then his face lights up.)

Customer: “You’re talkin’ about that liberal f****** math and science voodoo s***!”

Me: *deadpan expression* “Yup.”

Customer: “I don’t need that s***! I got Jesus!”

Me: “Well, Jesus won’t make this go any faster, either.”

Customer: “Kiss my a**!”

Unfiltered Story #134151

, , , | Unfiltered | December 28, 2018

Customer: “What about the [vomitous bargain brand] ham? Is that one good?”

Me: “No, it isn’t.”

Customer: “What? No? What do you mean, no?!”

Me: “Well, it is the cheapest brand we carry, sir. Cheaper brands are generally lower-quality. And that company, in particular, has been investigated by the government multiple times for the inhumane and unsanitary conditions at its factories.”

Customer: “Well, if it’s no good, then why do you sell it?!”

Me: “Because Americans are shameful, honorless pigs who will sacrifice quality and standards for the sake of cheaply and instantly gratifying their base, caveman desires, even to the point of slowly killing themselves.”


Customer: “Okay, then. I’ll take a pound.”

The Forever Mystery Potatoes

, , , , , , | Right | December 14, 2018

(I work at a regional grocery store’s deli. This particular day, I am asked some… basic… questions about a popular potato salad.)

Customer #1: “Does your deviled egg potato salad have egg in it?”

Me: “Yes, it does.”

(Later that same day:)

Customer #2: “Does your deviled egg potato salad have potatoes in it?”

Me: “Yes?”

Unfiltered Story #127672

, , | Unfiltered | November 27, 2018

(I work at a bakery in a popular retail chain. The bakery and deli share one big kitchen, so I interact a lot with my coworkers. I can’t help but overhear some of the conversations that go on. Today, a customer’s husband comes in and starts staring at the items in the case.)

Coworker: Hi, what can I get for you?

Husband: …Yeah, do you guys serve gizzards?

((our store doesn’t and hasn’t served gizzards for at least a year in the deli case))

Coworker: No, unfortunately we don’t. Sorry about that. Is there something else I can get you?

Husband: …Go ahead and set up a half-pound of amish potato salad and I’ll be back. I just want to see if she wants something else.

Coworker: Okay!

((About five minutes pass before the husband returns with his wife in tow. They are both now heavily scrutinizing the deli case.))

Coworker: Hi again! Have you decided what else you want?

Husband: *Looks to wife* I asked for amish potato salad.

Wife: *sharply* I didn’t WANT potato salad. It’s always macaroni! Macaroni!

Coworker: Should I prepare a half-pound of that instead?

Wife: Yeah. And while you’re at it, a half-pound of gizzards.

Coworker: I’m sorry. We don’t carry gizzards in the hot case.

Wife: *Turns to husband* Now I know for a FACT that she’s lying. I come here every day to buy gizzards! I only ever come here because the store across town DOESN’T have them!

((The couple proceeds to order several more things, and the wife snatches them before storming away. I’ve been caught up observing from the beginning.))

Coworker: I wanted to cuss them out SO badly.

Against His Cheddar Judgement

, , , , | Right | November 19, 2018

(An older gentleman walks up to the counter when I’m working and starts looking at the cheeses.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Is the Vermont Cheddar the yellow American?”

Me: “No, it’s cheddar.”

(I pull out the yellow American, and place it on the counter for him to see.)

Me: “What are you going to be making?”

Customer: “Well, my list says I need Yellow American… I’m making grilled cheese with it.”

Me: “Well, typically grilled cheese is made with American cheese.”

Customer: “I don’t know. I don’t want to get the wrong thing.”

Me: “I’m sure this is what you’re supposed to get. You said American was on the list?”

Customer: “I don’t know…”

Me: “Well, would you like to try it?”

Customer: “No, just give me the cheddar. I’m sure that’s what she wanted.”

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