Talking Baloney About Salami

| NY, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I’m the manager of a small local deli. It’s known for unusual cuts of meat, as well as your regular ones. One day a more than eager customer comes in.)

Customer: “Hey, buddy, I want some llama meat.”

Me: “I’m sorry…? Llama meat?”

Customer: “Yeah, my son gets it from here for me every week. Llama meat! You have unusual meat here, and I want some llama meat! Are you new or something?”

Me: “Sir, I’ve worked here for almost a year, and I can assure you we’ve never stocked such an item; in fact, I’m pretty sure hunting llamas is illegal.”

Customer: “No, listen, you little twit! Llama meat! I put it on my sandwiches! See, right there! You have little circles of it, Salamo meat!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir? Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “Llama meat! Salamo meat, whatever! I put it on my sandwiches and it’s red and spicy! Salamo llama meat!”

Me: *putting two and two together* “Do you mean salami? It’s red and comes in circles, and ours is spicy.”

Customer: “Yes, salami! Llama salami salamo meat! Don’t you know anything? God!” *storms out*

Salt And Paper

| Jacksonville, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I work in the deli in a small grocery store. I am there with two other people, and we are all in our last week of training. Two minutes before my shift ends, a sweet looking older lady comes up to the counter.)

Customer: “Do you sell salt-free turkey?”

Me: “We do not, but we have reduced-salt turkey.”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s not good enough. What other types do you have?”

Me: “We have oven roasted—”

Customer: *cuts me off* “I will have that. Can I try a sample first?”

Me: “Of course.” *I slice off a piece and hand it to her, but she refuses it*

Customer: “You didn’t wrap it in paper first. I need it in paper.”

Me: “Oh, yes. Sorry ma’am.”

(I wrap the slice in wax paper and hand it to her. She eats it and gives me a thumbs up, but continues talking.)

Customer: “You know, it’s very rude of you to hand it to me without the paper.”

Me: “I am very sorry ma’am.”

(I slice the rest of her order. She turns to my coworker who has just walked up. I am standing within arms distance from her.)

Customer: “Are you training her?”

Coworker: “We are all in training, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, she doesn’t know what she is doing. She tried to force me to take a sample without the paper, and then gave me an attitude when I asked for it. You need to have a serious talk with her.”

Me: *I hand her her turkey in a bag* “I am very sorry, ma’am. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

Customer: “Definitely not. But always remember the paper. We simply cannot do without the paper.”

Me: “Again, I am sorry. You have a nice day.”

Customer: *she walks away, still muttering under her breath* “I always have to have the paper.” *she stops and looks at the bag of turkey* “Hmm, I wonder if this is salt-free.”

Me: *I turn to my coworker who looks just as confused as I am* “And on that note, I am going home.”

Coworker: *mockingly* “Just don’t forget the paper. Always remember that paper. We cannot survive without the paper.”

Monstrous Pronunciation

, | FL, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

Customer: “And can I have a pound of the monster cheese?”

Me: “Excuse me? What kind of cheese?”

Customer: “The monster cheese. This one.”

Me: “Oh, you mean the muenster.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, but, well, you know, I don’t know how to pronounce that. It’s too hard. Is it ‘manster’? ‘Minster’?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s ‘muenster.’”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t know how to pronounce it. Is it ‘mo-an-ster’? ‘Moon-ster’?”

Me: “Ma’am, I just told you how to pronounce it. It’s ‘muenster.’”

Customer: “Yeah, but it’s too hard to pronounce! Is it ‘mon-aster’? Is it ‘minister’?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s ‘muenster.’”

Customer: “Well, however you say it, I want a pound.”

You’re Not Bready For This

| USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(There’s a guy that orders the exact same sandwich from our deli every few days. This was the first time I helped him. Usually one of the ladies who recognizes him will just start making it when they see him but none of them were there when he got there.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a sandwich on wheat bread with mustard and mayo, but scrape it off, and lettuce and turkey. Cut it in half and wrap each half in plastic wrap.”

Me: “Okay.” *I grab one of the sandwich order forms and write it down real quick before I forget* “I’ll have it done in a few minutes.”

(I make the sandwich following the instructions to a T. I tag the package with the sandwich in it and wish him a good night. He leaves. He comes back a few minutes later looking furious.)

Customer: “Excuse me. There’s supposed to be bread here.” *he’s pointing to one of the halves which obviously has bread on it*

Me: “There is bread on it.”

Customer: “No, there’s not; it should be right here but it’s not.”

Me: “I don’t see what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “You see this? That’s meat; it’s supposed to be bread!”

(We go back and forth a few times until I stop to process what exactly he’s trying to ask me. In the middle of it he scoffs and storms off. Before he got too far, I have an idea and stop him.)

Me: “Wait, sir. Do you want me to move the bread over?”

Customer: “YES!”

(I took the sandwich from him and un-wrapped the plastic. I moved the bread over the QUARTER INCH it slid off of the meat and very carefully wrapped it back up so it wouldn’t move again. I handed it back to him, and then he very happily walked off.)

A Racist Plot Twist

, | FL, USA | Bigotry, Movies & TV

(It’s a slow day at work. My coworker and I are standing behind the counter making idle chat.)

Me: “Know what I’ve been thinking about?”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “Kids’ sports movies.”

Coworker: “Kids’ sports movies?”

Me: “Yuh huh. Specifically, the fact that they’re all exactly the same.”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean how they all have the exact same plot, the exact same characters, the exact same tone, everything.”

Coworker: *sounding unconvinced* “Hmmm…”

Me: “Think about it. You always have the exact same set of stereotypical characters: the nerd, the fat kid, the black kid who only talks in pseudo-racist jive, the girl playing on the boys’ team just to prove she can, and the guy who could be a superstar if he could just get past his piddling first-world emotional problems.”

Coworker: “You know, I think I see what you mean. Don’t forget the alcoholic coach trying to relive his glory days.”

Me: “Exactly. And our ragtag band of misfits always has to play the team of rich snobs in the championship game who taunted and defeated them at the beginning of the movie.”

Coworker: “And the coach of the rich snobs’ team was the one who humiliated our heroes’ coach way back when.”

Me: “Right. And our heroes lose their first couple of games until a pep talk from the coach inspires them, and then they destroy every successive opponent they face until the championship game, when the rich snobs are kicking their butts at halftime. Then the would-be superstar finally gets his head out of his butt and helps them turn things around in the second half and they win.”

Coworker: “And as the second half of the championship game begins, it shows a montage of our heroes evening the score set to CCR’s ‘Up Around the Bend.'”

Me: “Hah! Totally! That’s like the ultimate ‘sports-getting-your-act-in-gear’ song.”

Coworker: “You know, you’re right.”

Me: “Like I told you, dude. They’re all the same.”

Customer: “How DARE you!”

Both Of Us: “Huh?”

(A customer has just walked up to the counter and overheard the last thing I said.)

Customer: “How DARE you say that all African-Americans are the same?! You RACIST!”

Me: “What? African-Americans? No, we were talking about kids’ sports movies.”

Customer: “You said ‘They’re all the same’!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was saying that all of those movies are the same.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me, you racist scum! Anyone who says ‘They’re all the same’ is talking about African-Americans!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I promise you that’s not what we were talking about.”

Customer: “Shut up, you racist! This whole store is racist! I don’t have to put up with this racist store! This is the MOST offensive thing I’ve ever heard in my ENTIRE life and I demand compensation for this insulting racism!”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You’ll be sorry when your racist a** is out on the street!”

(She stomped off to the customer service counter to complain. Apparently she didn’t get the reaction she wanted from the store manager because she stomped out of the store all together a minute later. Also, she was white.)

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