Meat Her Halfway, Part 2

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

Customer: “Can I have the [Premium Brand #1] ham, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t stock [Premium brand #1].”

Customer: “WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! [Premium Brand #1] IS THE ONLY MEAT WORTH EATING!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have it. We have [Premium Brand #2] instead.”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?!”

(I point to my apron, my hat, and the two-feet-by-five-feet sign above my head, all of which are emblazoned with the logo of the brand we carry.)

Customer: “YOU CAN’T EXPECT ME TO READ THAT! [Premium Brand #1] IS THE ONLY LUNCHMEAT I EAT! EVERYTHING ELSE IS S***!”

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Meat Her Halfway

Talking Baloney About Salami

| NY, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I’m the manager of a small local deli. It’s known for unusual cuts of meat, as well as your regular ones. One day a more than eager customer comes in.)

Customer: “Hey, buddy, I want some llama meat.”

Me: “I’m sorry…? Llama meat?”

Customer: “Yeah, my son gets it from here for me every week. Llama meat! You have unusual meat here, and I want some llama meat! Are you new or something?”

Me: “Sir, I’ve worked here for almost a year, and I can assure you we’ve never stocked such an item; in fact, I’m pretty sure hunting llamas is illegal.”

Customer: “No, listen, you little twit! Llama meat! I put it on my sandwiches! See, right there! You have little circles of it, Salamo meat!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir? Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “Llama meat! Salamo meat, whatever! I put it on my sandwiches and it’s red and spicy! Salamo llama meat!”

Me: *putting two and two together* “Do you mean salami? It’s red and comes in circles, and ours is spicy.”

Customer: “Yes, salami! Llama salami salamo meat! Don’t you know anything? God!” *storms out*

Salt And Paper

| Jacksonville, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I work in the deli in a small grocery store. I am there with two other people, and we are all in our last week of training. Two minutes before my shift ends, a sweet looking older lady comes up to the counter.)

Customer: “Do you sell salt-free turkey?”

Me: “We do not, but we have reduced-salt turkey.”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s not good enough. What other types do you have?”

Me: “We have oven roasted—”

Customer: *cuts me off* “I will have that. Can I try a sample first?”

Me: “Of course.” *I slice off a piece and hand it to her, but she refuses it*

Customer: “You didn’t wrap it in paper first. I need it in paper.”

Me: “Oh, yes. Sorry ma’am.”

(I wrap the slice in wax paper and hand it to her. She eats it and gives me a thumbs up, but continues talking.)

Customer: “You know, it’s very rude of you to hand it to me without the paper.”

Me: “I am very sorry ma’am.”

(I slice the rest of her order. She turns to my coworker who has just walked up. I am standing within arms distance from her.)

Customer: “Are you training her?”

Coworker: “We are all in training, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, she doesn’t know what she is doing. She tried to force me to take a sample without the paper, and then gave me an attitude when I asked for it. You need to have a serious talk with her.”

Me: *I hand her her turkey in a bag* “I am very sorry, ma’am. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

Customer: “Definitely not. But always remember the paper. We simply cannot do without the paper.”

Me: “Again, I am sorry. You have a nice day.”

Customer: *she walks away, still muttering under her breath* “I always have to have the paper.” *she stops and looks at the bag of turkey* “Hmm, I wonder if this is salt-free.”

Me: *I turn to my coworker who looks just as confused as I am* “And on that note, I am going home.”

Coworker: *mockingly* “Just don’t forget the paper. Always remember that paper. We cannot survive without the paper.”

Monstrous Pronunciation

, | FL, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

Customer: “And can I have a pound of the monster cheese?”

Me: “Excuse me? What kind of cheese?”

Customer: “The monster cheese. This one.”

Me: “Oh, you mean the muenster.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, but, well, you know, I don’t know how to pronounce that. It’s too hard. Is it ‘manster’? ‘Minster’?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s ‘muenster.’”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t know how to pronounce it. Is it ‘mo-an-ster’? ‘Moon-ster’?”

Me: “Ma’am, I just told you how to pronounce it. It’s ‘muenster.’”

Customer: “Yeah, but it’s too hard to pronounce! Is it ‘mon-aster’? Is it ‘minister’?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s ‘muenster.’”

Customer: “Well, however you say it, I want a pound.”

You’re Not Bready For This

| USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(There’s a guy that orders the exact same sandwich from our deli every few days. This was the first time I helped him. Usually one of the ladies who recognizes him will just start making it when they see him but none of them were there when he got there.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a sandwich on wheat bread with mustard and mayo, but scrape it off, and lettuce and turkey. Cut it in half and wrap each half in plastic wrap.”

Me: “Okay.” *I grab one of the sandwich order forms and write it down real quick before I forget* “I’ll have it done in a few minutes.”

(I make the sandwich following the instructions to a T. I tag the package with the sandwich in it and wish him a good night. He leaves. He comes back a few minutes later looking furious.)

Customer: “Excuse me. There’s supposed to be bread here.” *he’s pointing to one of the halves which obviously has bread on it*

Me: “There is bread on it.”

Customer: “No, there’s not; it should be right here but it’s not.”

Me: “I don’t see what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “You see this? That’s meat; it’s supposed to be bread!”

(We go back and forth a few times until I stop to process what exactly he’s trying to ask me. In the middle of it he scoffs and storms off. Before he got too far, I have an idea and stop him.)

Me: “Wait, sir. Do you want me to move the bread over?”

Customer: “YES!”

(I took the sandwich from him and un-wrapped the plastic. I moved the bread over the QUARTER INCH it slid off of the meat and very carefully wrapped it back up so it wouldn’t move again. I handed it back to him, and then he very happily walked off.)

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