(A number I don’t recognize calls my phone multiple times a day but doesn’t leave a message. The next time they call, I answer.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, I’m [Caller] calling on a recorded line. May I speak with [Mother-In-Law]?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. You have the wrong number.”

Caller: *defeated* “I’m sorry to bother you. Your number is in our database as a potential connection. Do you know [Mother-In-Law]?”

Me: “Yes, she’s my mother-in-law.”

Caller: *perks up* “Oh! Um, if you could please verify, I have [phone number] for her contact information. Is that correct?”

Me: “Yes, that’s her number.”

Caller: “Thank you. I’ll remove your name as a contact. Thank you for answering. We’ve been calling all the possible connections listed and no one else has answered except [My Husband] a few minutes ago.”

Me: “That’s my husband, yeah. Did you say we’re listed as contacts for her?”

Caller: “Well, when collection agencies can’t get ahold of the person in question, we have to branch out and look for potential relatives, someone who might be able to shed some light on why we can’t reach the person we want.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, wait. You’re a collections agency? That’s why. She probably knows your number and is ignoring you.”

Caller: “Yeah, that happens a lot. Could you let her know we’re trying to get in touch with her?”

Me: “I can try, but no promises she’ll do it.”

Caller: “That’s all I ask. Well, I’ll let you go. Thank you again for your help. I promise we won’t call you again.”

Me: “No problem. Good luck!”

(A few days later I received a call from my mother-in-law.)

Me: “Hello?”

Mother-In-Law: “Why the h*** did you tell that collector my number?”

Me: “I didn’t.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, they said they talked to you!

Me: “Yeah, they did, because you haven’t been answering.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’s none of your business! You’ve embarrassed me!”

Me: “I didn’t do anything. But you’re right: it is none of my business. I shouldn’t have collectors calling me to try to get ahold of you. That is your business and your problem.”

Mother-In-Law: “I’ve half a mind to make you pay these bills since you decided to give them my number.”

Me: “I didn’t give it to them and I’m not paying your bills. If you don’t want collectors calling, set up a payment plan or find a way to pay your bills on time.”

Mother-In-Law: *screeching* “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

Me: *hangs up*

(She ignores me whenever we’re together now. I don’t really mind that much.)

(I work in a loan office. My guests are generally very easy going, but occasionally they have fits like this one. Also, while requiring an ID for every loan has been a policy at my company for a while, I am the new manager and apparently the first one to adhere to this policy.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Guest: “I need to pay off my loan and renew it.”

Me: “No problem. It’ll be $565.56 to pay off, and I’ll need a check and your ID.”

(The guest pays their loan and signs their check, and I begin to fill out the information on it — a service we offer because it’s 2018 and no one really knows how to fill out checks anymore.)

Me: “Awesome, [Guest], and I’ll need your ID, as well.”

Guest: “You need my ID? When did that start? I’m in here all the time and I’m never late. I’ve been coming here for 20 years!”

(He continues about how it’s all but unconstitutional that I ask him for his ID when I’m about to give him $500 and ask him to sign a contract.)

Me: “Sir, have you ever seen me before? Do you know me?”

Guest: “No?”

Me: “And I don’t know you. Besides that, it’s our policy to scan an ID when we issue a loan, every time. It’s been the policy for a while; everyone else should have been asking you, as well.”

Guest: *finally providing ID* “Fine, but why don’t you take ID for payments, as well?”

Me: “A lot of people send in relatives or friends to pay their bills because they’re at work; it would be silly to not let a guest’s husband pay their bill if the guest were at work.”

Guest: “That’s ridiculous. I would never ask anyone to come to pay my bill for me! I’m not even married!”

Me: *ignoring him and trying to process the loan*

Guest: “Don’t let anyone pay my bill!”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ll put a note in your account saying we need ID for every transaction.”

Guest: “Yeah, put a note in my account!”

(Two weeks later:)

Guest: “I need to pay off my loan and renew it.”

(He places the money on the counter, but I don’t make a grab for it.)

Me: “Awesome. I will need your ID, please!”

Guest: “What? I thought you only needed my ID for new loans!” *cue almost verbatim the same rant*

Me: *cutting him off* “Yes, sir, but I have a note in your account, per our last discussion, that you don’t want anyone else paying on your account and you’d like us to ask for ID for every payment!”

Guest: “Oh… That’s stupid; take that out.”

(I laughed after he left; from insanity or hysteria, I don’t really know.)

(My mother has recently divorced my step-father.)

Man: “Hello, this is [Debt Collector Office]. I’m looking for Mr. [Ex-Stepdad].”

Me: *tired of explaining to every single caller* “Sorry, there is no one here by that name.”

Man: “Oh, isn’t this [my phone number]?”

Me: *sighs* “Yes, it is, but the man you are looking for doesn’t live here… anymore.”

Man: “Do you happen to have his contact details? I really need to get a hold of him. You know, he really is in huge debt, and it can cause a lot of problems if I can’t find him.”

Me: *now intrigued, as we never knew in how much financial s*** he actually was in* “Huge debt, you say?”

Man: “Yes, it really needs to be handled! Do you have any idea how to get a hold of him?”

Me: “Well, I don’t know his exact address, but he lives in [City] now. There are two under that name over there, as his father lives there, too, and he has the same first and last name, so you need to have [Ex-Stepdad] Junior. And do me one favour: make sure you find him. I’ll be laughing my a** off if he goes bankrupt.”

Man: “Don’t worry about that. Trust me, this debt is huuuuuge. Thanks a lot for the help! We might be able to find him now!”

Me: “My pleasure!”

(When my husband was 18, he defaulted on a credit card in the amount of $500. Fifteen years later a company starts calling, trying to collect on that defaulted credit card in the amount of $12,000. They call him, me, my mom, my sister, his parents, his siblings, and his grandmother. Repeatedly, at all hours. They start telling him that if he doesn’t pay he will be brought up on federal charges and be a felon. They tell our family that he is a bad person who will go to jail for year. That if we don’t settle with them, they will push for the max penalty and he could go away for 10+ years. At first we think that this is a scam call. It’s scary how much information they have on us. When we look into them they turn out to be an actual debt collection agency. We both start taping the calls; so do my sister and two of my husband’s siblings. We all tell the company to leave us alone and stop calling. My husband and I tell them to either take us to court or leave us alone. After three months of this, we finally take them to court for harassment. This is one of the conversations that we have, to the best of my recollection.)

Their Lawyer: “You can’t use the recordings that your clients made. California requires all parties to be informed that they are being recorded.”

(Our lawyer presses play on one of the recordings:)

Employee From The Company: “This is [Employee] calling from [Company]; is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Employee From The Company: “Just so you know, this call is being recorded for legal purposes…”

(Our lawyer stops the recording:)

Our Lawyer: “Sure sounds like everyone was aware the call was being recorded.”

Their Lawyer: “But they weren’t actually recording the calls.”

Our Lawyer: “Well, maybe they should stop lying to people, and then they wouldn’t be here today.”

(They settled out of court, which was to pay our legal fees, “settle” our account so they couldn’t sell it to anyone else, a small amount of monetary compensation, and to never contact us or anyone in our family again.)

(We have a friend that has been a dear friend for decades. He has one major flaw: he doesn’t pay his bills, on time or sometimes at all. It wouldn’t affect us if it weren’t for one BIG problem: he always puts us down as a reference, so of course the bill collectors call us when they can’t get him. I have fussed at him numerous times, and he at last has stopped, but with some of the calls I have had to get rude and threaten them. I was once a collection agent, for a legitimate company, so I know the laws governing them and what agencies to report an agency to. I have one rude title-loan company call me and when I ask them to stop, the guy starts telling me he can call anytime he wants.)

Me: “Really? The 1977 Federal Fair Collections Department Act says otherwise.” *silence from him* “Yeah, I was once a collection agent. I know what laws you are breaking, I know what government agencies to report you to, and I know how to make your company hurt.”

(That company never calls back. But a hospital takes the cake. Like usual, I try to be nice at first and explain that the person they are trying to reach does not live here, has never lived here, and will never live here. No, I will not take a message, and do not call back. This one just won’t listen. So, after a month of getting several calls a day, I have had it.)

Me: “Okay, I will take the message.”

Agent: “Great, I am glad you have finally seen the light. Tell him—”

Me: “Now wait. If you are going to use me as a messaging service, you will pay me as such. I charge $200, payment due up front.”

Agent: “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, I HAVE TO PAY YOU?!”

Me: “This is my phone. I pay the bill. You will pay me to take the messages to someone who doesn’t live here. Now, do you want to meet me with cash, or do you just want to mail me a cashier’s check?”

Agent: *very angry at this point* “What are you talking about?! I am not paying you!”

Me: “Then I won’t be delivering your message. Do not call here until you have the cash.”

(At this point a screaming match ensues. He is yelling that he will not pay, and how dare I demand money to deliver a message. I start yelling back.)

Me: “This is my phone! I pay the bill. Don’t call here. Don’t call here. Don’t call here. I pay my bills. I pay my bills. Don’t call here.”

(I could hear someone in the background telling the agent to hang up the phone over and over again. After about two or three minutes of us yelling, he finally hung up the phone. They got the message and never called me again. I have no problem if you are calling me about a bill I owe, but I will not be harassed over a bill that’s not even mine.)