Otterly Disgusting

, , , , , , | Working | June 20, 2018

I took my daughter to the zoo. They have a family of otters and that particular day the otters were having a grand time. We noticed that a couple of them were doing a peculiar stamping dance move. I filmed it and pondered out loud if it was a mating ritual or play.

A zoo employee was nearby and said, “Actually, they’re going to the bathroom and covering it up.”

A Mental Rental

, , , , , | Working | May 15, 2018

(I am looking at a local ad website for a place that my boyfriend and I can rent. One apartment has an unusually low, but still believable price, so I call the poster.)

Me: “Hi, is the apartment on [Street] still available?”

Landlord: “Yes, let me tell you a little about it. There’s a separate entrance, laundry and kitchen on the main floor—”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, is this a shared house?” *the listing just said “apartment”*

Landlord: “It’s a basement apartment with a completely separate entrance. Do you want to come by and see it?”

Me: “Sorry, we’re really looking for a private apartment or house. Thank you for your time, though.”

Landlord: “No, no! It’s got its own entrance! What’s wrong with a basement apartment?”

Me: “Nothing, it’s just that I’m looking for my boyfriend and me, and our dog. You probably only want a single renter.”

Landlord: “Oh, yes, no dogs! I’m allergic! And no men. Women only!”

Me: “Right, so, we’re looking for our own place. Thank you for your—”

Landlord: “You should move in here, and the dog can stay with the boyfriend. It’s very affordable.”

Me: “Um… No, we live together.”

Landlord: “You shouldn’t live together before you’re married, anyway! When would you like to come see it?”

Me: “No, thank you.” *hangs up as quickly as possible*

(The room is still posted on the same site. Still says nothing about it being the basement in her house, or that pets aren’t welcome, or that it’s women only.)

About To Start A Star Trek War, Part 5

, , , , , , | Working | April 27, 2018

(My husband and one of his coworkers have to go to DC for a special training course. During their downtime, they go to the Smithsonian. As they’re leaving, my husband stops by the gift shop to pick up a souvenir for me. He finds a pizza cutter that looks like the USS Enterprise and decides to buy it.)

Husband: “[Coworker], look!” *holds up pizza cutter* “Isn’t this cool? My wife is going to love this.”

Coworker: *confused* “But I thought you guys liked Star Wars?”

Husband: “Though she prefers Star Trek and I prefer Star Wars, we like both.”

Coworker: *shocked* “That’s heresy! You’re not supposed to like BOTH!”

(He said she persisted with, “You can’t like both! You’re not supposed to like both!” until they got back to the hotel and went to their rooms. When he relayed the story to me, we both had a good laugh about it. I’ll never understand people who don’t believe that you can like both franchises.)

Related:
About To Start A Star Trek War, Part 4
About To Start A Star Trek War, Part 3
About To Start A Star Trek War, Part 2

Knows How To Make An Entrance

, , , , , , , | Working | December 1, 2017

(I live in a “garden” apartment complex and my building has ten units. Two of the apartments, mine and one other, have private entrances to the outside, and the other eight are accessed through a common entrance where you have to buzz in. One night my wife and I have just put our newborn son to bed when there is a loud thump on the front door.)

Voice Outside: “WHAT THE H***? WHY IS THIS LOCKED?!”

(There’s more loud banging, almost like someone is trying to break the door in. I look out the window and there’s a pizza delivery guy apparently trying to shoulder down my door.)

Me: *through the door* “What are you doing?”

Delivery Guy: “Oh! I have your pizza.”

Me: “I didn’t order a pizza.”

Delivery Guy: “Is this [address]?”

Me: “Yes, but I didn’t order a pizza. What apartment is it for?”

Delivery Guy: “[Apartment Number upstairs] for [Neighbor].”

(I crack open the door to talk to him but keep the chain in place.)

Me: “You’ve got the wrong apartment; that’s upstairs.”

Delivery Guy: “But I need to get in! Let me in.”

Me: “The door is on the other side of the building. They’ll buzz you in.”

Delivery Guy: “Can’t I just come through this way?” *he leans his shoulder against the door again*

Me: “This is my apartment; I’m not letting you cut through my apartment to deliver somebody else a pizza.”

Delivery Guy: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m just not. Go to the other door.”

Delivery Guy: “Fine, you can explain to your neighbor that you won’t let me deliver their pizza.”

(He got back in his car and drove off, making no attempt to go to the main entrance. I talked to my upstairs neighbor later that week. Apparently the delivery guy told them that the doorman wouldn’t let them in. We don’t have a doorman.)

Fake News Has Two Sides

, , , , , | Friendly | October 18, 2017

(I work for a national news network known for taking a more conservative stance on political issues. I’m riding the Metro home from work the day after President Trump’s inauguration, and am caught in all the “Women’s March” traffic. It’s so packed that I’m literally up against a wall with other people. They’re all very friendly and everyone is having a good time. At one stop, two seats open up behind me.)

Lady: *from the march* “You go ahead and take that seat.”

Me: “Oh, it’s okay; I’ve been sitting at work all day.”

Lady: “Oh, what do you do?”

Me: “I’m a news producer.” *at this point, I’m a little nervous to tell her where I work*

Lady: “At what outlet?”

Me: “Uhh… Don’t make me answer that.”

Lady: *in shock* “But you’re so nice!”

(Didn’t know I had to be a jerk to work at my news agency. Oh, well.)