We Thought It Was Creepy Pasta, Not Creepy Pizza

, , , , , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2020

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m working with my shift manager and one other driver. Out of the three of us, I have the lowest rank but the most experience by a long shot, which lets me get away with a lot. It’s usually busy on this holiday as people have stay-in dates or feed babysitters while they go out, and we always get the requests for heart-shaped pizzas, which we don’t offer. We tried one year and it screwed up our times and messed up food cost because they didn’t “look right” and needed to be redone. Today has been no different, as I’ve turned a couple of people down by late lunch.

I come in from a delivery and see my coworker writing on a box in marker. I glance at it and it says something like, “Although I can’t be your Valentine this year, know I will always love you.” I just chuckle and move on until that coworker comes to me and tells me it’s for a customer that will be calling back and the pizza is for his girlfriend, but they’re on a “break.” I stare at her for a few moments and promptly nope my way out of it. I am not getting involved in whatever that is.

She leaves on delivery and I get back to my morning prep work. The phone rings and I answer. Surprise! It’s Mister Romantic. I begin to humor him, thinking I’ll just pass it off to my coworker, until he says it’s supposed to be heart-shaped. I tell him we don’t do that and he says my coworker said we did. 

I ask my shift manager if they want to go through the trouble for this guy and I get a noncommittal response. I go back and tell him no. Then, I find out more of the story.

This guy is living and working in Ohio and is trying to send a heart-shaped pizza and flowers to his — on break — girlfriend’s workplace here in Florida. He begins to tell me that his pizza place in Ohio does it and it’s really easy… blah blah blah… Meanwhile, my brain is putting together all the facts and realizing just how weird and stalkerish this sounds. Scenes of showing up to an unwitting escapee of a relationship and being turned away start playing in my head along with it.

He finishes trying to shame me into making his pizza heart-shaped and I tell him to call back when the coworker that promised it is back if he wants it, but the two of us there at the moment aren’t making it. I get, “I guess if you don’t do it, you don’t do it,” from him and work towards getting off the call.

Afterward, I relate what I learned to my shift manager and they agree that it sounds bad. When my coworker returns, I relate what I learned to her, and she says she knows and thought it was sweet. My manager glance at each other and I tell her, “We think it’s creepy. If he calls back, you can deal with it, but we want no part.” She grumbles a bit but lets it go. 

Fortunately, he never calls back.

I passed this story to some of my friends, and they all agreed. Super creepy.

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Spoiler: This Story Does Not Contain A Birthday Breakup

, , , , , , , | Romantic | February 4, 2020

I start dating a guy in high school, and we really hit it off. However, once we graduate, we go to different colleges in two different states. We begin a long-distance relationship. Our first year of college, it’s fine. We call a lot, talk over Skype, email frequently, and still manage to spend time together when we visit our hometown.

At the beginning of our second year of college, his parents divorce. It really hits him hard. I try to be as supportive as I can, but he begins to withdraw. We schedule times to Skype, but he begins to log in less and less often. Longer time passes between emails. Whenever he digitally stands me up, he always apologizes and gives me his reason: “I was so tired, I just had to nap,” “I was feeling really fried from finals and couldn’t talk,” “Stuff was going down at home, and I just don’t want to talk about it.”

As this goes on for months with communication between us becoming increasingly infrequent, I begin to voice that I feel neglected and that it hurts whenever he goes for weeks without talking to me. As always, he apologizes, but nothing ever changes. He says if I “just pick a date and time,” he’ll do his best to Skype with me. I do, but he always winds up canceling or not logging in. I can see the signs of the relationship failing right there, but I really like this guy. When we do talk, he has a great sense of humor. We also share the same quirky interests in some really niche stuff.

Into our third year of college — yes, I did wait two years for him to come to terms with his parents’ divorce — it becomes months between contact. I send emails and texts and leave voicemails when I can. I even agree to watch his favorite television show with him in its entirety — well over 100 episodes — just to spend time with him. We have simultaneously streamed shows before and talked over Skype while we watched them. It is something we enjoyed doing together. However, even that doesn’t change how infrequently he contacts me.

He apologizes again and insists that if I “just pick a date and time” he will do better this time. At this point, I tell him any time is fine as I will clear my schedule just to talk to him. It’s now two weeks until my birthday. He makes a promise: “I absolutely promise that I will be online before your birthday so we can talk.” He makes it sound like this will be a long conversation, possibly streaming a television show, and that we’ll be able to catch up on lost time. However, he doesn’t give me a date or time.

For the next two weeks, I spend as much time as I can on my computer because I want to talk to him as long as possible — as he made it sound. It eats my life. As soon as I’m done with dinner on campus, usually 7:00 pm, I’m online. I stay online until midnight or 1:00 am, just to see if he’ll speak with me. Some nights, I’m online as early as 5:00 am. Yes, I’m the fool who waited for six hours a day for my boyfriend to Skype me.

It’s the night before my birthday at 11:30 pm. At this point, I am so frustrated and sleep deprived that I’m sobbing. I move my mouse over to click on “Log Out” as I figure he has completely flaked again. It’s at that exact moment the notification pops up and he logs in. He gives me a huge string of smiley emojis and says, “See, I told you I’d be on before your birthday!” He has no idea why I am mad at him. After all, he made it “just in time” for my birthday even though we can’t talk for more than half an hour because of classes.

His birthday is the following month. I wait until 1:30 am the night after his birthday ends and send him an email breaking up with him — it’s not like I can even get a hold of him face to face anymore. He replies back, furious, “How dare you ruin my birthday like that?!” I reply with, “It wasn’t technically your birthday anymore.”

And that is the last I’ve ever heard from him. I have no regrets about how I broke up with him.

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Your Relationship Has Been Uslurped

, , , , | Romantic | January 31, 2020

(I’m a regular at a coffee shop where I usually stop in after work to grab a drink and relax a little before heading home. Another regular who comes in slightly less often is a guy who slurps. A lot. Instead of waiting for his drink to cool down, he’ll open it up piping hot, slurp loudly off the rim, and after each sip make a loud exhale like he’s letting the heat out. He’ll do that until he finishes the whole drink, without pause. I’ve learned to always bring earphones and music. One evening he’s in there, slurping away, when a woman comes in and joins him at his table. They make small talk for a couple of minutes, and it’s pretty quiet in the shop so it’s not hard to hear them. Yes, I turn my music off and eavesdrop.)

Woman: “Hey, so…” *big sigh* “It’s been really nice getting to know you, and you’ve been really great, but I don’t think we should date anymore.”

Slurper: “Whoa, what? Why? What happened?”

Woman: “Well… honestly… I’ve found a behavior of yours that I just can’t appreciate or tolerate. In any way.”

Slurper: “I… Like what?”

Woman: *pause* “You slurp anything hot. Like your drink right now.”

Slurper: *after a long pause, chuckles* “Come on. You can’t be serious.”

Woman: “I am serious. I haven’t brought it up until now because it seemed petty and shallow, so I tried to just get over it. But then I thought about it and realized that anything that irritates me and grates at my ears to the point I want to punch you in the face isn’t petty or shallow at all. It’s a serious problem.”

Slurper: *still trying to play it off like it’s all a joke* “Okay, sure. You’re really going to break up with me for slurping a little bit when I drink. I mean, the drink’s hot! How else am I supposed to drink it?”

Woman: “With basic table manners every child learns. You could wait for it to cool down or blow on it to help, but then I’ve already told you this a dozen times, right? Look, I’m not asking you to change. I mean, I already have and you haven’t listened, and asking over and over is too exhausting. The bottom line is that I can’t date someone whose face I occasionally want to punch, no matter the reason why, and you shouldn’t want to date someone like that, either. It wouldn’t be right for either of us.”

Slurper: *starting to realize she is, in fact, serious* “You’re really breaking up with me over this.”

Woman: “Well, it’s not exactly a ‘break up.’ We’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of months. It’s not like we’re in a full relationship. That’s why I thought it best to do this now, before there was any more, you know, involvement or commitment.”

Slurper: *clearly didn’t see it that way, honestly looks sad* “I… I can’t believe this.”

Woman: “I’m sorry… It’s not that you’re not great overall. We’re just not the right fit for each other. I hope you find someone who can be happy with all of you, slurping habit included. You do deserve that.”

(The woman looked like she felt really bad, and the guy looked halfway stunned, halfway crushed. After an awkward moment, she said goodbye to him and left, and I silently applauded her on her way out. As someone who will have to keep dealing with his slurping, I hope he takes the cue to work on his table manners. Let this be a lesson to all of us: the little habits we build will absolutely affect our lives in the long run. Build good habits and good manners, kids!)

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Wanted To Give The Date Some Pez-zaz

, , , , | Romantic | December 8, 2019

(This guy and I have been flirting back and forth for a bit and we decide to go see a play. This story takes place in the middle of the performance. Mind you, it’s NOT intermission but during the performance. I’m silently watching the show and suddenly feel something on my leg.)

Guy: “Hey, psst.”

Me: *whispers without looking away* “Yes?”

Guy: “You want a PEZ?”

Me: *shocked* “What?!”

Guy: “You. Want. A. PEZ?”

Me: *looking down at the PEZ dispenser on my leg* “Is that BB-8?!”

Guy: “Yeah. It’s orange flavor.”

(I then proceeded to laugh through the next song. At intermission, I told my friend who told me he may have gotten the idea from “Seinfeld.”)

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Meet My Friend, Gaston!

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 2, 2019

(In my early 20s, my best friend decides I should date her boyfriend’s roommate. We have seen each other at group gatherings, or whenever I go see my best friend at her place. I don’t think we are a good match, so I kind of just ignore the subtle pushing until my best friend decides to have a straightforward discussion about it.)

Best Friend: “Why don’t you try dating [Boyfriend’s Roommate]?

Me: “I don’t think we have anything in common, really. I don’t see us be anything, even as friends on our own I’m not sure…”

Best Friend: “Don’t say that; you both play [music instrument]!”  

Me: “Yeah, but I believe that’s where it stops. Otherwise, what hobbies does he have? Going to see strippers?”

Best Friend: “Oh, I’m sure that he’d stop going if he had a girlfriend.”

Me: “I’m not so sure about that.”

(I don’t want to start a debate about this kind of industry. I also don’t want to have to explain how starting a relationship with someone on the hope I’ll make the guy change is a terrible idea. People don’t change, seriously.)

Me: “Also, the only other thing I have seen him do or talk about is smoking weed.” *not legal at that time* “Which, you know, I’m no crusader against, but I still disapprove of recreational drug use.”

Best Friend: “You have to cut him some slack; he can’t drink alcohol.”

Me: “Well… I may drink a glass here and there, but I’m no big fan either. I just can’t see myself having to skirt around my own boyfriend whenever he’s under influence, or have me withdraw all the time for his habits.”

Best Friend: “Don’t be like that; he has some good points, too! Like, he’s still a gentleman and strives for higher education lately.”

Me: “He called me a witch when I said a three-syllable word!”

(Thankfully, she stopped there and so did the date pushing.)

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