We Can Sympathize With The Need To Escape Reality, But…

, , , , , | Romantic | June 24, 2020

Some years ago, I met a guy. He was kind of cute and we got along well, and we started dating; you know how it goes. He was into Buddhism and spent at least half an hour every day meditating. Cool, I thought.

He talked a lot about his uncle and his uncle’s master who had taught him for some time, too. He adored his uncle’s master. He was wise and patient and very kind. He knew all there is to know about life and meditation and he could levitate. 

Wait, what?

Yes, he confirmed, his uncle’s master could levitate his body by meditating. He could also create fire with his bare hands. What’s more, his uncle’s master’s master could talk to animals.

Surprise, surprise, I didn’t believe him.

He showed me a YouTube video of some guy in Indonesia setting some paper on fire with his hands. You can imagine how convincing it was.

He started digging up more YouTube videos. About reiki practitioners performing miracles. About how there were possibly two suns in our solar system. About aliens having replaced Vladimir Putin with an identical clone. The more absurd the story, the more he got into it.

I drew the line when he tried to replicate an experiment from some self-proclaimed alchemist to create a homunculus by injecting his own sperm into a hen’s egg, then incubating it under a woolly hat in his kitchen.

The whole journey from meditation to aliens took less than two months.

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Sometimes The Trash Takes Itself Out

, , , , , | Romantic | May 23, 2020

I have a crush on a former coworker and just found out it was mutual. While we aren’t specifically told not to date in the workplace, you do have to disclose your relationship to management so they can be sure there’s no conflict of interest. We are only seeing each other during work breaks, so we haven’t said anything to anyone.

During one of our unpaid lunch breaks, we are walking toward the exit when one of our regular customers approached me. He has a mental handicap, usually has someone with him to shop, and often calls the female associates “sweetie” or “darling.” He’s one of my favorite customers because he’s always happy and has nice things to say about the people he meets.

Customer: “Hey, sweetie, going to lunch?”

Me: “Yup, just heading out now. Gonna go to [Sandwich Shop].”

Customer: “All righty, you have a good day!”

As soon as he’s out of earshot, my coworker speaks.

Coworker: “What a f****** r*****d.”

Me: *Shocked* “What?”

Coworker: “That guy!”

Me: “You mean [Customer]?”

Coworker: “How is that pervert not in jail?”

Me: “Because he’s done nothing wrong.”

Coworker: “He called you ‘sweetie.’”

Me: “Yeah. He calls lots of people ‘sweetie.’ It’s just his greeting.”

Coworker: “He should be banned. F****** disgusting.”

Me: “Um… are you jealous? Because that’s—”

Coworker: “Of a r****d? Are you kidding?”

Me: “Why does it matter how he addresses me? He’s not—”

Coworker: “He obviously wants to f*** you.”

Me: “He does not.”

I stop just outside the exit doors. 

Me: “What is wrong with you?”

He puts his arm around my shoulder.

Coworker: “I’m just looking out for you. You can’t talk to guys like that. They’re pigs.”

I push him off me.

Me: “And I suppose you don’t want anything from me?”

Coworker: *Laughs* “Well, I mean, I’m not—”

He hits his chest twice, makes the childish hand gesture for calling someone the R-word.

Coworker: “—like him.”

Me: “You know, I don’t think we’ll have to tell management about anything between us.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I don’t want to go out with you.”

Coworker: “Because of him?!”

Me: “Because of you.”

I walked back into the store and sat in the break room for my entire lunch, not eating. One of the managers noticed and asked what was wrong. I told her about the conversation, and she thanked me and left. Since he was off the clock, there was no real repercussion, but I think it did save me a lot of trouble down the road.

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When A Date Leaves You Cold

, , , , | Healthy | May 18, 2020

Back in January of this year, I went on a date with a guy I had met on a popular dating app — the one where the girl has to make the first move. 

We met up for dinner and drinks and things were going very well! He was nice and funny and I was enjoying his company. He was an EMT; this is important later in the story. 

After dinner, he suggested we go to an ice rink to go ice skating. I was skeptical, as I’m a very clumsy person and can barely stand up on my own two feet on solid ground, and I knew I was going to thoroughly embarrass myself at the rink. But I said yes anyway. 

For the first hour, things went well. We were both hobbling along the side of the wall and making fun of each other’s form, but I got cocky, pushed away from the wall, and ate it. I landed on my butt and tried to catch myself with my arm. I landed so hard my ears were ringing and I was woozy. 

My date had to help me off the ice and he immediately went into EMT mode, rolling up my sleeve and feeling around my arm to see if he could feel any breaks. 

Besides the numbness in my arm, we both agreed that it probably wasn’t broken, and I turned down his offer to take me to the emergency room. 

We spent the next six hours on a cliff overlooking the beach, with me flinching at the slightest touch to my arm.

When I woke up the next day, I was in tears. My entire arm was black and blue and swollen beyond belief; I couldn’t even put a shirt on without crying out in pain. I had to have my brother take me to Urgent Care. 

While at Urgent Care, the doctor on call told me that not only was my elbow broken, but that I had fractured my wrist, as well, when I tried to stop myself from falling. The impact of me landing on my wrist fractured it and broke my elbow almost immediately, but the massive swelling that immediately took place is what made my date unable to tell that my arm was broken. 

There was so much fluid in my arm that it felt like a normal arm. 

I was immediately taken off work for the next four months, as I am a barista while finishing school, and I teased my date about my arm all the time. We dated for a month but decided we were better off as friends.

We’re still friends to this day, and I still give him crap about my elbow.

It still hurts when the weather gets cold, too, even after having it out of a sling for six weeks.

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He Sounds Like A Real Catch

, , , , | Romantic | April 4, 2020

My 23-year-old brother-in-law is a six in looks and a two in personality. He is the youngest out of four siblings, so on top of having the spoiled baby syndrome, he is egotistical, selfish, and condescending. He is not above making fun of things like speech impediments to make himself feel superior or talking down to people, despite being the kind of guy who could easily be hit by a bus by not looking both ways.

He also is an electrical engineer which, for non-engineers, means he has a God-complex and is always right. And for whatever reason, this catch of a man thinks he deserves the perfect woman by his standards: a ten physically and a fifteen intellectually and a personality that matches him, despite never taking the time to get to know any of these girls. It is sufficient to say that he is squarely single and can’t figure out why from these encounters:

Date #1: He decides not to see a girl after having sex on the first date, because it was “just okay.” Naturally, he ghosts her.

Date #2: He decides not to see a girl again because she is an ER nurse and he is offended that she is late to their first date.

Date #3: Potential girlfriend refuses to get physical and just wants to hold hands because this is her first date ever.

Date #4: The girl is religious so that makes her automatically insane.

Date #5: She hasn’t seen one obscure anime, so she must have lied to him about liking anime.

The list of his jerky exploits goes on and on and on as he picks out a new insecure girl only to reject them in a horrible, self-righteous manner. I think he is going to be single for a while. If only he would stop going on dates and screwing with these poor girls.

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I Messed Up. Sue-shi Me.

, , , , | Romantic | March 23, 2020

(For my birthday, my gift request from my boyfriend is just a thoughtful, quality-time date. He doesn’t disappoint. We have a lovely time watching a movie together and then painting together at a local park. Afterward, he tells me there’s one last part of the date and we pull up to a small sushi restaurant in a shopping plaza. He looks excited as we do.)

Me: “Aw! I love sushi.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah! Do you recognize it?”

Me: *confusedly* “Er… I came here once with [Friend]?”

Boyfriend: *still smiling at me* “Are you sure you weren’t here… with me? Like two and a half years ago?”

Me: “Oh! Are you talking about our first date?”

Boyfriend: *excitedly* “Yeah!”

Me: *looking around* ”Babe, this is not where we had our first date. We had our first date at [Sushi Restaurant twenty minutes away].”

Boyfriend: “WHAT?”

(To be fair, the names of the places were almost identical. And I thought it was hilarious.)

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