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If You Dig A Deep Hole, You’d Better Bring A Ladder

, , , | Romantic | October 11, 2021

Once in my life, I figured out the right thing to say to a woman.

I was chatting with the girl I was dating at the time. Just making conversation, I said:

Me: “I read an interesting article about astronomy today.” *Pauses* “Well, I don’t know if you’re interested in astronomy.”

She took this to mean, “I don’t know if you’re smart enough to understand astronomy,” and was insulted.

Girl: “I’m not dumb! I could understand it!”

I tried to explain that it wasn’t that I thought she wasn’t smart enough, but that I said exactly what I meant: that she might not be interested. But she wouldn’t have it. She went on and on about how she wasn’t stupid and how dare I say she was stupid and so on.

Finally, I got a burst of inspiration.

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that there’s this stereotype that all incredibly beautiful women must be dumb, and sometimes it’s hard to get past that.”

She accepted that explanation.

High But Simple Standards

, , , , , , , | Related | October 3, 2021

My girlfriend is meeting my rather conservative parents for the first time. We’re both currently university students. She’s ethnically Chinese, has brightly dyed dreadlocks and a toned body, and speaks with a unique accent. My parents are quite a bit weirded out by her.

Mum: “So, where are you from?”

Girlfriend: “Short answer or long answer?”

Mum: “Short, please.”

Girlfriend: “If we’re being precise, an orphanage in rural China. If we’re not, Singapore. More or less.”

Mum: “Uh…”

Me: “The long answer is a list of places including Taiwan, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Singapore, and London.”

Girlfriend: “Don’t forget Canada.”

Me: “And Canada.”

Mum: “That’s… interesting.”

Girlfriend: *Shrugs* “My parents travelled around a lot. Singapore is where they currently live.”

Dad: “But where do you feel you belong? Where do you feel you’re from?”

Girlfriend: “Wherever my parents are.”

Dad: “That’s not very precise. How about which passport you have?”

Girlfriend: “I’ve got three different citizenships and passports, but I’m not really attached to any of them.”

Dad: “Okay. Okay. So, are you a Christian?”

Girlfriend: “Nope. My one true god is the Force and the Sith code.”

Dad: “Uh… don’t you mean the Jedi code?”

Girlfriend: *Shakes her head* “Sith fashion is cooler.”

Mum: “Uh… your hobbies?”

Girlfriend: “Fencing, paintball, Dungeons And Dragons, video gaming… Basically anything, as long as it’s fun.”

Dad: “What are you taking in university?”

Girlfriend: “Computer engineering. I’m not a bad programmer.”

Our dog comes up and distracts her, which allows my parents to pull me aside.

Dad: “Uh, son, are you really sure you want to date someone so… foreign?”

Mum: “Yes, she’s rather… exotic.”

Me: “I only ask three things from a girlfriend: be someone I can geek out with, be someone with an actual personality, and be down for anything. She ticks all those boxes and then some.”

Mum: “But she’s a bit… weird.”

Girlfriend: *Popping into the conversation* “Weird is good. Life would be too boring, otherwise.”

Me: “Agreed.”

We fistbump, and my parents make themselves scarce with skeptical looks. My parents — and most of the older folks in the family — have never really approved of her, but at least they are polite enough not to make a fuss out of it.

On the bright side, pretty much everyone else in the younger generations of my family (including the pets) finds my girlfriend awesome.


This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

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Who Wants To Date A Liar?

, , , , | Romantic | August 17, 2021

I meet a woman online and agree to go for a date. I go to the bar and don’t recognise her straight away as she is double the size I was mentally expecting and her hair a different colour and style altogether.

We chat, we drink, and we eventually find a table to grab something to eat. We chat some more and get on, but everything she tells me about herself just makes me question myself a little more and more. I think I’m going crazy or mixing her up with someone else.

When she goes to the toilet, I check the dating app. No, I was right; she posted completely different information about herself, the photos are of her but from what looks like a long time ago, and she mentioned wildly different tastes in books, films, hobbies, food, etc. I think maybe she has just not updated it in a while, but then again, a lot of it is relevant, new music, etc.

She comes back and we start chatting again.

Woman: “What was it you do for a living again?”

Me: “Oh, I work in a school. Did you say you worked in a bank?”

Woman: “No, I work in a supermarket. Not sure where you got bank from.” *Laughs*

I got it from her profile.

Me: “Oh, my mistake, then, sorry. Oh, I’m going on a muddy runner in a couple of weeks. They are still accepting applicants if you want to join me.”

Woman: “What’s that?”

Again, her profile states she has done three.

Me: “You know, running, mud, obstacles… It should be fun.”

Woman: *Laughs* “Do I look like I would be interested in those?”

Me: “I’m not sure. Everything on your profile seems to say something different.”

Woman: “Oh, everyone lies a little on those.”

Me: “Sure, but not everything about them. It’s like talking to a different person. Listen. I’ve enjoyed myself, I have. But I’m finding it a bit weird that I’m meeting someone who presents such a false image of themselves.”

Woman: *Suddenly angry* “Fine! Whatever! Leave, then. Pay at the bar.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but trust is important to me, especially these days. And I don’t feel like I know who you are.”

She ignored me. I guess I understand. I paid my half of the bill at the bar and went home. It wasn’t long before I got a stream of offensive messages, first trying to justify herself, and then yelling at me for not paying for her, too.

I took a break from online dating for a while, only to come back and see her profile, completely new, and again completely fictional. I hope she finds herself before she finds someone else.

Sounds Like Someone Dodged A Bullet

, , , , , | Romantic | August 8, 2021

I’m sitting in a nice cafe at a small table close to the window. I’m sipping a drink when a woman lumps herself down at my table opposite me.

Woman: “Before we start, what you need to know about me is that I’m a Virgo, and I don’t care if you don’t ‘believe’ in astrology, because it’s important to me. Okay? And I won’t change for anyone. I’m me, and I won’t lose weight. I won’t stop shopping. I won’t go on one of your little runs, okay?”

Before I can answer, the waiter interrupts with my food.

Woman: “What the h***?! You ordered without me. I was, what—” *looks at her watch* “—fifteen minutes late? I said I don’t like being held to a schedule.” 

Me: “Lady, I don’t know you.”

Woman: “Oh, don’t like what you see? Too fat for you now? Well, I’m sorry we can’t all be super skinny models.”

Me: “I don’t know you. I don’t know why you sat down. I was trying to eat alone. I’m guessing your date didn’t want to wait for you.”

She erupts and starts to wail on about how men are terrible, for some reason still aimed fully at me. She ends up taking food off my plate and throwing it to the floor. She stomps out, leaving me utterly bemused.

Waiter: “Are you okay, sir?”

Me: “Yes, I think so. Can I have my meals replaced?”

Waiter: “Of course, free of charge. I am so sorry you had to go through that.”

As I wait, a guy across the room gives me a half-smile with a sort of apologetic shrug. I mime asking if it was his date and he nods. He eventually comes over, apologises, and explains that they met online and there wouldn’t be a second date.

The funny thing was that, apart from the same hair colour, we looked nothing alike.

Time To Bite The Bullet, Part 4

, , , , , | Working | July 14, 2021

This is a story I heard from my senior about his boot camp sectionmate. One guy, having heard all sorts of horror stories about Potong Jalan, was desperate to avoid it. He somehow managed to get himself FIVE girlfriends, with the idea that, and I quote:

Sectionmate: “Even if one or two break up with me, I’ll still have three. No way after service I won’t have a girlfriend.”

I know, right? What a scumbag.

His plan flopped from the get-go, because all five girlfriends insisted on sending him off on his enlistment date, and when they all turned up, they realized he was five-timing them.

After the shouting match, [Sectionmate] went to his knees and begged.

Sectionmate: *Tearfully* “Please let me have all five of you.”

His harem wasn’t amused. Cue mass dumping.

Apparently, [Sectionmate] cried himself to sleep for his first week of boot camp. His platoon was all too busy laughing their guts out to console him. Even the officers were amused.

Related:
Time To Bite The Bullet, Part 3
Time To Bite The Bullet, Part 2
Time To Bite The Bullet