(I have been trying my luck on a dating site, with not much to show for it so far. I am near the end of date number two with this gentleman and the conversation has turned to our families. I mention my father has cancer and that we’re planning a large family vacation soon.)
Date: “Oh, man, I’m so sorry to hear that… Well, hey, at least I can be your new daddy, right? *winks at me*
(I went home and decided to give up on dating for a while.)
(My friend is out with a guy on a first date. She can’t help but notice that he’s staring at a woman sitting with her date at a nearby table.)
Friend: “Is something wrong?”
Guy: “Sorry, but that woman looks really familiar. It’s bugging me; I know I’ve seen her before.”
Woman’s Date: “Can I help you, buddy?”
Guy: “No disrespect intended, man, but I think I’ve met this lady before.”
Woman: *looking uncomfortable* “I don’t think so, sir.”
Guy: “No, I’m sure of it… Wait! Do you dance at [Burlesque House]?”
Woman: “Yes.”
Guy: “That’s it! I’ve seen you strip!”
Woman’s Date: “WHAT?”
Friend: “WHAT?”
Guy: “What?”
(Both dates were over pretty quickly after that.)
(I have met someone on an online dating website. After enjoying chatting with each other for two weeks, we decide to meet up in person. The first date goes well, and we both agree that we would like to see each other again. On the second date, he brings me to a lookout, which turns out to be much colder and more windy than anticipated, so we end up sitting in his backseat, enjoying the spot. He is much more physically affectionate than I am, although this could be partially due to my never having been out with anyone before him. He begins to cuddle with me. Just as I am beginning to relax, he speaks:)
Date: “I don’t want to kill the mood, but… are you of a healthy weight?”
(He may not have wanted to, but he killed it.)
(I have a coworker who’s friendly and cute, and we’ve hung out a few times unofficially. One day, I stop by his place on his day off to pick something up. He pats me on the shoulder as he walks by. His daughter, who is laying on the couch at the time, sees him do this. Once he’s out of the room, she props herself up on one arm and peers at me.)
Daughter: “Are you Daddy’s new boyfriend?”
Me: *unable to tell if this is a trap or not* “We work together.”
Daughter: “That’s not a no.”
Me: *hesitantly* “Okay, um, I don’t know yet. I guess we’re still testing the waters. He’s nice enough, so I wouldn’t object if he were interested. Would you?”
Daughter: *suspiciously* “His last boyfriend was an a**hole. Are you an a**hole?”
Me: “I… I try not to be.”
Daughter: *narrows her eyes* “You break his heart, I’ll slash your tires.”
Me: *studying her carefully* “I believe you.”
Daughter: “Smart boy.”
(With that, she lay back down as her father came back in. I officially asked him out later that week. Two years later, my tires remain un-slashed.)
(Thirteen family members live at my house, and it is common to have visitors many of us don’t know. There is an outside gate, and visitors have to use the intercom to be let in the yard. Whoever opens the door may not be the person who answered the intercom. I open the door to see a girl in her late teens.)
Girl: “Hi!”
Me: “Hi, nice to meet you. Come on in.”
Girl: “Okay. Do I sit down?”
Me: “Sure. Have a seat.”
(This is a common scenario for the person opening the door if someone else answered the intercom. Ten minutes later…)
Cousin: “Hey, there’s a girl on the couch downstairs!”
Aunt: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Wait. The girl I opened the door for?”
(It is.)
Me: “Hi. Are you still waiting?”
Girl: “Yes. Where is [Brother]?”
Me: “Let me get him.”
(I knock on my brother’s door and find it locked.)
Me: “Hey. Some girl is waiting for you.”
Brother: *no reply*
Me: “Hello!”
(This is before cell-phones, and he doesn’t have a room phone, so I intercom the living room phone, which is on a separate system.)
Me: “Hey. [Brother]’s door is locked and he’s not answering. Who’s the visitor?”
Aunt: “[Brother]’s girlfriend. He himself let her in the gate.”
Me: *bangs on door* “Hey! What’s going on? That’s your girlfriend downstairs!”
Grandpa: “Huh?”
Me: “Do you have the key? Something isn’t right.”
Grandpa: “Yeah, hang on.”
(My aunt, cousin, and the girlfriend all come up.)
Girl: *bangs on door* “Hey, you s***! I’m here!”
(My grandpa gets the key and opens the door to find… an empty room. Also, an opened window.)
Grandpa: “Where is that boy?!”
(We start organizing a search of all the rooms, all the while apologising to his girlfriend, who is very confused and starting to get pissed. Then, my grandpa looks out the window. We’re on the second floor.)
Grandpa: “[Brother]! He’s lying on the flower bed!”
Us: “What?!”
Girl: “What in the world?”
Grandpa: “He must have gone out the window and fell! Call an ambulance.”
(We scrambled to him and noticed he hadn’t cracked his head or anything; he just had some scratches. He woke up after we slapped him a few times. What really happened? His girlfriend’s parents are locksmiths, and she wants to be one, too. My brother wanted to impress her by locking his door, and then picking it when she came up. Their date, however, was at the hospital getting his head checked. It was fine, thankfully.)
