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I Love You More Than Pi

, , , | Romantic | February 28, 2012

(My long distance boyfriend and I are texting each other. He sent me flowers for Valentine’s Day.)

Me: “My flowers are beautiful! <4”

Me: *fixing error* “<3 ^^^”

Boyfriend: “I <4 you, too.”

Me: “I don’t know if I <4 you… but I <3 you very much. So, I guess more of a <3.97?”

Who’s Dating Who

, , , , | Right | February 22, 2012

(I work as a server in a popular restaurant. This happens on the toughest day of the restaurant year: Valentine’s Day. A couple in their 20s has just been served their meal.)

Me: “How are you both doing this evening? Can I bring you anything else?”

Customer: “We aren’t doing very well at all! You aren’t doing nearly as much as you can to make my lady feel special!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I was trying to make you both feel special this evening. I thought you might want to be the one to make your lady feel extra special.”

Customer: “It’s not my job to make her feel special. It’s your job!”

Customer’s Date: *looks like she wants to die of embarrassment*

Lucky In Love

, , , , | Romantic | January 9, 2012

(My girlfriend and I have been together long enough where I feel it is appropriate and necessary to open up about some rough spots and baggage in my past. Some of the things are fairly severe, and I expect her to break up with me. We have reached the end of the discussion.)

Me: “I guess, basically, what I’m saying is that I tend to have really bad luck. If you’d be more comfortable staying as friends from this point on, I can totally respect and understand that.”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, well, guess what? We’re still on. I’m not going anywhere, and I have great luck, so, we can balance each other out. Because, well, because I love you! So there! I love you, and I have good luck. You’re lucky you found me!”

(This is the first time either one of us has said we love one another. I am slightly taken aback.)

Me: “Wow. I mean. Um. You know, I’m touched. That means a lot to me, and I love you! And, you’re right, I’m lucky to have found you.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, well. I mean, I’m lucky to have you and all that stuff. But, you know, you’re luckier!”

I Dated Dr. Nick

, , , | Romantic | October 10, 2011

Woman: “I’m looking for a surgeon called [Name]. He’ll be off shift soon. But I’m not sure where he would be around here.”

Me: “Sure, hang on.” *checks database* “I’m sorry, what was his name again?”

Woman: *says name*

Me: “It seems we don’t have a surgeon, or any employee with that name.”

Woman: “I’m sorry, are you new? He’s been my boyfriend for half a year and he’s worked here for three years. We are going on a date after his shift and I decided to surprise him by meeting him here instead.”

Me: *checks database again* “I’m sorry, we have no one by that name. Are you sure this is the right hospital?”

Woman: “Yes, I’ve been to his home down the hill. He said he walks up the hill to work. This is the only hospital that’s here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

Woman: “Hmph! You’re useless.” *stalks off*

(She comes back 15 minutes later.)

Woman: “Well, you just ruined my life. I called him and he said he just got off shift. I told him I’d be right here waiting for him and he got scared. Apparently he’s not even a surgeon. I can’t believe he lied to me!”

All’s Well That (Rear) Ends Well

, , , , | Romantic | September 27, 2011

(As I’m standing around with the other servers waiting for our tables to be attended to, I overhear a couple talking as they’re eating.)

Girl: “So you really love me, huh?”

Guy: “Very much so. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

Girl: “How much do you love me?”

Guy: “This much!” *extends arms across*

Girl: “That doesn’t quite convince me. How much is that, exactly?”

Guy: “Well, it was supposed to be as big as your a**.”

(The girl yells at him and flicks some refried beans at him.)

Guy: “Hey! I was gonna say as big as my heart, but your butt is bigger.”

Girl: “Awwww!” *kisses him on the cheek and continues eating*