My wife and I went to a movie a while ago. During the previews, a younger couple came in and sat in the row behind us and off to one side a bit. The guy immediately pulled his cell phone out and started using it while the woman munched on popcorn and watched the previews.

Finally, the movie started and he still was on his phone. I was about to ask him to turn it off when it rang and he answered and started a very animated conversation with someone. I then told him to “Turn it off or leave!” and, after giving me a death glare, he whispered something to the woman. They got up and, with him still chatting on the phone, they began to leave… or so I thought.

Instead of leaving, they plopped down in some seats in the first row, him still chatting away. We could hear him from where we were. Several people seated nearby him asked him to turn the phone off but he ignored them. Finally, someone left and got a manager who came in and told him to leave.

He stood up, turned to face us all, and yelled, “THANKS FOR TOTALLY RUINING MY DATE!” Then, he stomped out of the theater with the woman sheepishly trailing behind to scattered laughter, jeers, and — for real — applause.

I’m at home. A friend is staying with me due to quarantine. While she is on Facebook, she tells me there is a new Ben and Jerry’s flavor called “Netflix and Chill.” I have been single for five years.

Me: “So I’ll finally be able to get some Netflix and chill!”

Friend: “It is peanut butter ice cream; you’re allergic to peanuts.”

Me: “Maybe I should start thinking about becoming a nun, since not even ice cream will let me have some Netflix and chill.”

Related:
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward, Part 2
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward

A man comes into my grocery store to buy flowers and some chocolate. He is wearing a uniform for a local hot dog stand and grinning like a maniac. 

Customer: “Could you take the price off for me? I’m on a first date.”

Me: “Oh, congratulations!”

I take the tag off.

Customer: “Yeah, we just spent two hours at [Fast Food Place] staring into each other’s eyes.”

He produces a digital camera from his pocket and shows me several pictures of her.

Me: “Well, that’s a good way for a first date to start.”

I have finished ringing him up, but there are no other customers so I don’t feel the need to rush him off.

Customer: “Could I get a bag for the flowers? And do you have any of those little cards? Or a post-it note?”

Me: “I have a bag, but I don’t have a little card. I do have a post-it if you want. It says the store slogan on the bottom, though.”

Customer: “Sounds awesome!”

I retrieve both items and we put his flowers in the bag. I advise him to write his note on the register belt as it allows for better handwriting. The whole time, he is giving me way more information about his date than I would like. He attaches the note to the flowers and sticks the chocolate inside. He goes to thank me and notices my name tag.

Customer: “Thank you… Hey! That’s her name! You guys have the same name!”

Me: “That’s odd. What a coincidence.”

Customer: “Can you take a picture of me with the flowers?”

I oblige and take several pictures of him trying to show me how to get his camera to focus before I get the shot he wants.

Me: “Well, now you’ll have the memory of the cashier that couldn’t take pictures.”

Customer: “Could I… get a picture of you, as well?”

I oblige and pose, and when the picture is over, it seems like the final goodbye. The customer is halfway to the door.

Customer: “Oh! And kisses are magic!”

He pranced out the door into the night.

This story is included in our Feel-Good roundup for July 2020!

Read the next Feel-Good Story here!

Read the July 2020 Feel-Good roundup!

Some years ago, I met a guy. He was kind of cute and we got along well, and we started dating; you know how it goes. He was into Buddhism and spent at least half an hour every day meditating. Cool, I thought.

He talked a lot about his uncle and his uncle’s master who had taught him for some time, too. He adored his uncle’s master. He was wise and patient and very kind. He knew all there is to know about life and meditation and he could levitate. 

Wait, what?

Yes, he confirmed, his uncle’s master could levitate his body by meditating. He could also create fire with his bare hands. What’s more, his uncle’s master’s master could talk to animals.

Surprise, surprise, I didn’t believe him.

He showed me a YouTube video of some guy in Indonesia setting some paper on fire with his hands. You can imagine how convincing it was.

He started digging up more YouTube videos. About reiki practitioners performing miracles. About how there were possibly two suns in our solar system. About aliens having replaced Vladimir Putin with an identical clone. The more absurd the story, the more he got into it.

I drew the line when he tried to replicate an experiment from some self-proclaimed alchemist to create a homunculus by injecting his own sperm into a hen’s egg, then incubating it under a woolly hat in his kitchen.

The whole journey from meditation to aliens took less than two months.

I have a crush on a former coworker and just found out it was mutual. While we aren’t specifically told not to date in the workplace, you do have to disclose your relationship to management so they can be sure there’s no conflict of interest. We are only seeing each other during work breaks, so we haven’t said anything to anyone.

During one of our unpaid lunch breaks, we are walking toward the exit when one of our regular customers approached me. He has a mental handicap, usually has someone with him to shop, and often calls the female associates “sweetie” or “darling.” He’s one of my favorite customers because he’s always happy and has nice things to say about the people he meets.

Customer: “Hey, sweetie, going to lunch?”

Me: “Yup, just heading out now. Gonna go to [Sandwich Shop].”

Customer: “All righty, you have a good day!”

As soon as he’s out of earshot, my coworker speaks.

Coworker: “What a f****** r*****d.”

Me: *Shocked* “What?”

Coworker: “That guy!”

Me: “You mean [Customer]?”

Coworker: “How is that pervert not in jail?”

Me: “Because he’s done nothing wrong.”

Coworker: “He called you ‘sweetie.’”

Me: “Yeah. He calls lots of people ‘sweetie.’ It’s just his greeting.”

Coworker: “He should be banned. F****** disgusting.”

Me: “Um… are you jealous? Because that’s—”

Coworker: “Of a r****d? Are you kidding?”

Me: “Why does it matter how he addresses me? He’s not—”

Coworker: “He obviously wants to f*** you.”

Me: “He does not.”

I stop just outside the exit doors. 

Me: “What is wrong with you?”

He puts his arm around my shoulder.

Coworker: “I’m just looking out for you. You can’t talk to guys like that. They’re pigs.”

I push him off me.

Me: “And I suppose you don’t want anything from me?”

Coworker: *Laughs* “Well, I mean, I’m not—”

He hits his chest twice, makes the childish hand gesture for calling someone the R-word.

Coworker: “—like him.”

Me: “You know, I don’t think we’ll have to tell management about anything between us.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I don’t want to go out with you.”

Coworker: “Because of him?!”

Me: “Because of you.”

I walked back into the store and sat in the break room for my entire lunch, not eating. One of the managers noticed and asked what was wrong. I told her about the conversation, and she thanked me and left. Since he was off the clock, there was no real repercussion, but I think it did save me a lot of trouble down the road.