I’ve been seeing this guy for about a few weeks when he comes over to my place. We’re sitting on the couch watching a movie, when…

Guy: “Hey, you smell different today. Are you wearing perfume?”

Me: “No, I got a new shower gel.”

Guy: “Why would that make you smell different?”

Me: *Confused pause* “Because it’s a different scent than the last one?”

Guy: “But the shower gel shouldn’t change the way you smell.”

Me: “Um. When you wash with soap, you smell like that soap. You smell like your shower gel, don’t you?”

Guy: “But you’re a girl! You’re supposed to just smell good naturally.”

Me: “Uh… women do sweat, you know. Why do you think we take showers?”

Guy: “It’s to wash off the sweat and stuff. Then, the natural smell comes through, and some girls just smell better than others, just like some girls are prettier than others.”

Me: “Hold up. You really thought the smell of citrus just… came out of my pores? Dude, I’m not a grapefruit.”

Guy: “So you’ve been tricking me this whole time?!”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “You’re just like those girls who wear perfume and makeup! We’re done. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Me: “Fine by me, but I can absolutely guarantee you that any other woman you date is also going to smell like whatever she washes with. You’re not going to find a lady who ‘naturally’ smells like fruit and flowers.”

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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I work at a ludopub, namely a place where you can play board games while also eating dinner. This fact is not very well-advertised, which leads to situations such as this story.

A middle-aged couple enters the ludopub as I’m busy reorganizing the boardgames’ shelves.

Man: “Excuse me, do you have a table for two?”

Owner: “Sure, right over there. What would you like to play?”

Woman: “We’d like [Classical Music Piece] if you don’t mind.”

Owner: “No, I mean, like, what board game?”

The couple stares at the owner in awkward silence for several seconds.

Me: “Are you sure you’re in the right place?”

Woman: “I mean… you did look like a pretty romantic restaurant.”

Man: “Told you to check on the Internet!” 

Woman: “C’mon, how could I have guessed? This kind of place is in ugly streets, not on the waterfront!”

Owner: “Well, we’d be happy to put music on for you and serve you, if you wish.”

The couple hurriedly left the place.

I’m planning a third date with a guy I really like. He suggests a sports bar that neither of us has tried for brunch because they have a $1 mimosa special, and I agree. I drive us there and the parking lot is almost full, so I drop him off at the door to get us a table while I find a spot.

When I get to the front door, a man in a button-down shirt and slacks reaches over and physically holds the door closed.

Man: “Sorry, ma’am, you’re not allowed in.”

I laugh, thinking he’s joking.

Me: “Okay, sure.”

I try the door again, but he holds it firmly shut.

Man: “No, really. You’re out of dress code.”

He gestures to a small plaque by the door and sure enough, there’s a posted dress code. My crime? “Non-regulation camo” shorts.

Me: “Wow, you must hate the redneck population.”

Man: “We don’t hate anyone, ma’am, but—”

Me: “Yeah, bad joke, whatever. Bye.”

I’ve never been kicked out or denied entry anywhere before and I’m worried that my date will blame me for it, even though I’m quite sure that I never read anything about this place — a sports bar with a $1 mimosa deal — enforcing a dress code. For reference, they happily let him in wearing torn jeans and a band T-shirt.

Thankfully, he’s easy to find because he chose a spot on the patio. I walk over and get his attention.

Me: “We have to go. They won’t let me in. I’m violating their dress code.”

I explain the situation.

Date: “WHAT?”

He looks thunderous, and my next fear is that he’ll kick up a fuss. If this place wants to enforce a dress code, then fine, and I don’t want him to browbeat the front door guy or a manager about it.

Date: “Do you want me to cause a scene? Yes or no.”

Me: *Pause* “What?”

Date: “If you want, I’ll go talk to someone. I’m a veteran and I think the camo rule is bulls***. Just say the word.”

Me: “No. I absolutely don’t want that. Even if they let me in, I don’t want to eat here anymore. Honestly, I’m feeling kind of humiliated. This isn’t the hill I want to die on, and I just want a God d*** mimosa somewhere else.”

Date: “All right.” *Hops the barrier* “Somewhere else, then.”

In hindsight, this experience was a watershed moment for me: instead of flying off the handle and shouting at waitstaff just to be performatively masculine or protective or whatever, he asked what I wanted to do. He was prepared to stand up for me if I really wanted to eat there but equally prepared to accept my decision to let the matter lie and go elsewhere. That kind of thoughtfulness stuck with me. Afterward, I went to the bar’s website and triple-checked: absolutely no mention of a dress code anywhere to be seen.

Anyway, we married a few years later and never went back to that bar. He also teased me about my “non-regulation camo” whenever I wore those shorts after that.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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I’m a woman. After feeling sorry for myself, seeing all of my friends getting married and having kids, I decide to try online dating. I start talking to a seemingly nice man, and we decide to get dinner one night. Things start off pretty well. We’re having a good conversation, and we seem to have a lot in common.

Then, my date starts looking over my shoulder a lot. I turn around and see a group of young women, probably in their early twenties, seated at a table behind me. One woman, in particular, is dressed in a somewhat skimpy tank top and miniskirt, with a few visible tattoos, and she has a baby with her.

Date: “Must be some sort of bachelorette party or something.”

Me: “Well, they don’t seem to be causing any problems. We can ignore them and finish eating.”

Date: “That chick with the kid must be the bride. Probably got knocked up at a drunk party, looking like that. I wonder if she even knows who Daddy is. Pity the poor guy she tricked into marrying her and raising the kid.”

Me: “[Date], shut up! That’s really rude.”

Date: “Hey, I’m just saying, wear a condom, you know? Especially with her — she’s cute and all, but she looks the kind of girl who spreads diseases.”

I walked out of the restaurant, and when I got home, I reported the guy on the dating site for his behavior. Then, I closed all of my online dating profiles. I would rather be alone and single than have to deal with guys like that again.

Back when I was using an online dating service, I made plans to meet up with a girl at a bar. I got there a few minutes early and decided to sit at the bar to wait, since the entryway didn’t have any seating and the bar was right next to it. I didn’t get anything, just sat there watching the entryway for her to get in.

A person who looked like her came in and then went to a table with a group at it already. It happened again with another person, so I figured she just had a bit of a generic look. It got to about fifteen minutes later than we planned to meet, so I was just getting ready to order a nice beer to have and then leave — I chose a place with a great beer selection — when a server came over and asked if I was waiting for someone.

I affirmed and he took me over to a table in the bar with a girl and guy sitting at it. She said she was my date. She explained that she came in, saw me sitting at the bar, and thought I was maybe her date, but she saw her friend sitting and immediately went over to him. So, okay, whatever.

We went to sit at a different table, ordered drinks, and chatted. She couldn’t finish her drink, so she took it over to her friend and came back. About thirty minutes later, she looked at the time and said she needed to go because the last bus was about to come. She left immediately, sticking me with the tab for her friend’s drink.

It wasn’t a good date, either. She was always just waiting for me to stop talking so that she could talk about whatever she was thinking about, making no real effort at an actual conversation. At least I was in the habit of suggesting places where I knew I could get great beer, so it wasn’t a completely wasted night.