(My brother-in-law is over to play fighting games with my husband, and we are all clearing the coffee table so they can have it to put their fight sticks on. My brother-in law picks up my lip balm that was on the table.)

Brother-In-Law: “Is this lip balm from your gynecologist?”

Me: “Yeah, they just have a bunch of them in a basket when you check out.”

Husband: “Isn’t that a little weird?”

Me: “No! They want you to take care of both sets of lips!”

Brother-In-Law & Husband: *horrified looks and awkward laughs*

Brother-In-Law: “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM MY SISTER-IN-LAW!”

(I am working a slow shift at a tech repair shop in my hometown, when an angry woman marches in with a laptop.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. How can I h—”

Customer: “Listen to me, kid!” *she opens the laptop to reveal a blackened screen with a good portion of it burned completely* “I’ve had this computer for a year, and nothing’s gone wrong. Today, the screen went blue and it wouldn’t let me keep shopping! My son said it was frozen, so I tried to thaw it out, but it just got f***** up! Fix it, d*** it!”

Me: “Ma’am… Did… Did you put an open flame on the screen?”

Customer: “Well, duh! I put it on the stove to thaw it out faster. What do you think, I’m stupid or something?”

(It’s the day before Christmas. The previous evening I had purchased some ingredients for a dessert as well as a $50 “dinner and a movie” gift card from the grocery store. When I got home the gift card was not in my bag, so I’ve returned first thing this morning to see if it was left at the register. Being a bit distressed I did not put much thought into my appearance and am wearing a scruffy hoodie and no makeup.)

Me: *at the customer service desk* “Good morning. Last night I purchased a gift card and I think it accidentally got left out when my groceries were bagged. Was one turned in?”

Clerk: “Let me check…” *she does* “Um, no, nothing is up here.”

Me: “Well, I am certain it wasn’t in my shopping bags when I got home. Is there any way the tapes can be checked to see if it was indeed bagged? Or can the original card be voided and a new one issued? I have the receipt with the code from the card.”

Clerk: “Um… let me get a manager.”

(The manager is fetched and I explain my situation to her.)

Manager:s *rudely, as she obviously thinks I am trying to scam the store* “Look, I checked the tapes and I didn’t see any card left behind. You can’t get a new card activated with that receipt. You’ll have to take it up with the card issuing company.”

Me: “But I purchased the card here. Please, is there anything that can be done? May I take a blank one off of the shelf? I guess I’ll try calling the company and seeing if they can transfer the balance.”

(She reluctantly allows this, so I grab the first one of the same card off the hanger and leave, with her giving me dirty looks the whole time. When I get home I call the card company and they state they cannot refund or transfer; the issue will have to be resolved with the store where I purchased the card. I give him the code from the new blank card.)

Customer Service Rep: “That card code you just gave me is showing a balance of $50.”

Me: “Wait, what? How is that possible?”

(I check and the code is identical to the code on my original purchase receipt. The cashier at the grocery store never did give me my gift card, and it was hung back on the rack. I picked my own purchased card off of the rack the next day! I’m lucky no one else wanted that same gift card before I went back and got it, and my only regret is not seeing that manager again to let her know I wasn’t scamming!)

(I have just gotten off the phone with a solicitation call. While I know it is a solicitation call, my boss requires me to take down all messages and make notes on all the phone calls I receive. I’m then to pass the messages along with my notes to the appropriate individuals and let them handle things from there. This message is for an attorney who is known for being a jerk towards non-attorneys, whereas his paralegal is a sweet older woman who doesn’t put up with his attitude. Per protocol, I make my way to deliver the message to the paralegal who is standing around chatting with the attorney. They both look over the message and the attorney scoffs.)

Attorney: “Let me ask you something: do you think I’m going to call this person back?”

Me: “Honestly, no. As my notes say, the caller was trying to solicit information about one of our clients and became flustered when I wouldn’t give any. However, I believe a note should be should be made in the client’s file in the event that it happens again.”

Attorney: “So, if you know all that, why do you bother [Paralegal] and me with these kind of things?”

(I can tell the paralegal is going to speak up, but my mouth gets the better of me and I cannot help being direct.)

Me: “If you choose to throw away the message and not do anything, it’s called a decision, and you move on. If I choose to do the same, it’s called job incompetence, and I risk being let go. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to work.”

(I turned around and headed towards my desk. As I was walking away, I could hear the paralegal laughing and telling the attorney he deserved my attitude.)

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(I am working as a front desk attendant when someone calls. Seconds after answering I recognize it as a prank call.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Restaurant]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I heard somewhere that after you guys close, there is a burlesque show. Is that true?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Uh… No. Sorry.”

Caller: “Really? Well, there went my weekend.”

Me: “Again, sorry for ruining your weekend.”

Caller: “Man, I love strippers. I could watch them all day and night.”

Me: “Well, that sounds like an expensive habit. You have a good night.”

(I hung up and my coworker standing next to me just died laughing.)