Shocked That Things Cost Money

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2018

(I work for a cell phone company. A customer calls in about her bill.)

Customer: “I already paid my first month when I activated.”

Me: “According to my records, you only paid the activation fee.”

Customer: “Yes, that is the first month’s bill.”

Me: “No, the activation fee is separate.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Yes. Your activation fee is to activate the phone for services.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me… I have to pay to activate the phone and pay to use it for the first month?”

Me: “That is correct.”

(The customer then started laughing hysterically and hung up.)

Not Exactly A Con Worthy Of The Movies

, , , , , | Right | January 27, 2018

(I work in a movie theater. A guy comes up to me in the customer service department on a busy, understaffed Saturday. We are sold out of almost everything.)

Me: *thoroughly polite, with my fake smile and octave-higher-than-normal voice* “Hi. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like a refund for this movie. I hated it.”

(He hands me a ticket for a 6:00 movie. It is now 8:05.)

Me:  “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give a refund past the scheduled start time.”

Customer: “Fine. Can I get the passes, then?”

(We have passes that cover any movie, including the pricier IMAX.)

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t make the movies. I’m sorry you disliked it, but your movie is over, and I can’t give you passes for disliking a movie.”

Customer: “Get me your manager!”

(I call for a manager, and she comes over seconds later.)

Customer: “This rude worker won’t give me a refund.”

(The manager looks at the tickets.)

Manager: “Your movie has ended. We can’t give you a refund, and I’m not giving you passes for disliking a movie. Have a great day.”

(I nearly hugged my manager for this. Turns out the guy tries this weekly.)

It’s About To Go Postal

, , , | Right | January 23, 2018

(We sell masks for CPAP [continuous positive airway pressure] machines. We allow returns if customers don’t like their masks, but we need to ask why.)

Me: “Hello, and thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I need to return a mask.”

(I get her order information and pull up her order.)

Me: “Okay, I see you ordered [Mask]. What seems to be the problem?”

(This mask is designed to go under the nose and over the mouth. It’s a new design of a full-face mask we are really excited about, so we really need feedback whenever it’s returned.)

Customer: “Well, they put a hole over my mouth, and it blows cold air on my mouth and lips. It’s so silly and I don’t like it at all!”

(I’m speechless for a moment because the whole point of the mask is to go over your mouth.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Have you had a full face mask before?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I’ve only had ones that go over my nose! Why would you have one that covers your mouth? It’s so silly!”

(I want this woman off my line, because that is exactly what she purchased, but whatever.)

Me: “Well, that’s a popular style mask, but since you’re unhappy with the purchase, you are able to ship it back for a refund.”

Customer: “You don’t send me a label?”

Me: “No, ma’am. Customers pay for the return shipping; it’s outlined in our return policy.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “You go to your local post office, tell them the address to ship it to, and they’ll tell you the price.”

Customer: “But I got it through [Parcel Delivery Service]! Shouldn’t I use them?”

Me: “You paid for [Parcel Delivery Service] to deliver to you. You can use any carrier you’d like to send it back to us.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: *repeats* “You go to the store and give them the item, and they’ll give you the price.”

Customer: “It’s that easy?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “Thanks!” *click*

(I think I felt my IQ lower a bit just by talking to this woman.)

One Day I’ll Guess Right

, , , , | Right | January 21, 2018

(I am a customer service representative for a utility company. This happens on almost a daily basis.)

Me: “May I have your account number so I can assist you?”

Customer: “Sure… Do you need the whole thing?”

Me: “Nope, just the first digit; I’ll just guess at the rest.”

Cancelling Any Attempt At Customer Service

, , , , , | Working | January 20, 2018

(My mom and dad are in the middle of a messy divorce, and to add insult to injury, my dad has moved in with his mistress and is trying to cut all our services: Internet, insurance, etc. So, before that happens, I’m trying to transfer the accounts to my mom’s name so we don’t have to go through the hassle of equipment return and new accounts. I’m working on the Internet service, where this lovely young woman is sympathetic to our situation and is going to switch the names for us; she just needs my mother’s authorization. I ask her, since my mother is busy, if we can call back and have it arranged, and she says it is fine. A phone call later, I have this exchange with this guy.)

Me: “The lady told us we could just call back and get that changed.”

Employee: “I see. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. I can sign you up for a new package, though!”

Me: “Oh. I see. Wouldn’t our services be interrupted, though, and our equipment need to be returned?”

Employee: “Yes, that would happen, but I can get you a great deal on cable and Internet—”

(My mom and I aren’t willing to go through all that just for the same service. We already discussed that if they couldn’t do it we might as well look for another, cheaper provider, because the biggest appeal of staying with them is to not have our services interrupted.)

Me: “Well, actually, if that’s the case, I’m afraid we’re just going to have to cancel our current services and go elsewhere.”

Employee: “No, wait a minute. You don’t need to do all that. I’ve got a great deal here for you guys to sign up with a new plan—”

Me: *trying to be polite* “I appreciate your help. Thank you, but all we wanted was to change the name, so if that’s not possible, we’ll just have to cancel. We aren’t really looking to upgrade or anything like that. We’re happy with our current situation and want to keep it. But if we can’t, then we’ll just find something else.”

Employee: “Now you aren’t listening. I can sign you up for another—”

Me: “No. Thank you. But we really don’t want to do all that. We’ll just cancel and find another provider. Thank you, though—”

Employee: “Look, I’m trying to—”

Me: “Sir, if you can’t help us do what we want, then there’s nothing else to discuss.”

Employee: “Fine. But I tried to help you.”

Me: *losing all patience* “No. Actually. You didn’t, really.” *I hang up*

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