You Get Who You Pay For

, , | Right | March 20, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to dispute a charge on my bill.”

Me: “Yes, certainly. Which charge would you like to dispute?”

Customer: “There should be a charge on February 22nd for $2000.”

Me: “The one for ‘Gentlemen’s Club’?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s the one I’d like to dispute.”

Me: “And what’s the reason for the dispute?”

Customer: “…do you need to know?”

Me: “Without a reason, we cannot submit a proper dispute.”

Customer: “Um… okay, well, it was a business trip… and, um… I wanted to hire… um… an escort for a client. Not for me, for a client! For the night. And we weren’t pleased with her, um, services. Which isn’t to say that she didn’t provide services! I’m just saying that it wasn’t the service we… well, the service we… It wasn’t what we expected.”

Me: “…all right. I’ll transfer you to our disputes department for further assistance.”

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I Think We’ve Found The Problem

, , , | Right | January 27, 2009

Me: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in two days to fix your dishwasher.”

Customer: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”

Me: *jokingly “For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”

Customer: “Okay, great! Can I put that on my store card?”

Me: “Um… I was just kidding, ma’am.”

Customer: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”

(After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)

Boss: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”

Me: “I was just joking!”

Boss: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”

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Occam’s Razor Phone

| Right | January 13, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Mobile Customer Service], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, there’s something wrong with my phone. It won’t take pictures.”

Me: “Is it a camera phone?”

Customer: “No.”

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Land That I Love

, , , | Right | January 6, 2009

(I receive this call from a customer requesting web site support.)

Customer: “I want to order from you, but it says that my state is ‘Invalid’!”

Me: “What state are you putting in?”

Customer: “‘The Great State Of Texas!'”

Me: “Are you putting that whole phrase in the box?”

Customer: “Well, it ran out of room after the ‘t’ and the ‘h.'”

Me: “When you put in the state on our site, you need to use the two-letter state code set up by the United States Post Office.”

Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “The United States Post Office has a code for each state and territory of the United States. Texas would be ‘TX.'”

Customer: “WHAT?! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW TO SEND IT TO THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS IF IT ONLY SAYS ‘TX’?! MY ORDER WOULD BE LOST!”

Me: “Actually, I’m pretty sure that the United States Post Office would know that ‘TX’ is ‘The Great State Of Texas.'”

Customer: *types it in* “Oh, look at that; it worked. Can you hold on for a second? I want to call the Postmaster of our town and confirm this.”

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It’s So Easy… Yet So Difficult

, , , | Right | December 24, 2008

(I work for the online customer service branch of a major department store, answering questions via “live help.” The store has many older customers who often have trouble shopping online. The following is an online conversation I have.)

Customer: “Your site won’t let me get through!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Could you tell me what part of the site you were having an issue with?”

Customer: “It keeps telling me that I have the wrong password. I have my password!”

(I look up her password and use it on the site to make sure it works.)

Me: “I have tested your password and it appears to be working. Would you like me to send you an email with a copy of your password?”

Customer: “NO! I have my password! It says it right here on the screen, and I typed it just like it says.”

Me: *slightly confused as to why the customer’s password would be displayed* “What password do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “cAsE sEnsitIve! I typed it the exact way that it says here! ‘Your password is cAsE sEnsitIve’!”

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