No Reply I Can Give That You’d Be Happy With

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2019

(I work for the customer service of a web-store. I get this call:)

Client: “I keep on mailing, but I just won’t get a reply!”

Me: “That is strange; all mails are answered.”

Client: “Oh, so, he’s doing this on purpose?!”

Me: “Let me look into your file… No, I don’t see any emails. I don’t think we received any. Where did you mail to?”

Client: “To Mister No-Ree-Plee.”

Me: “I don’t know that name; which department is he from?”

Client: “How should I know?! He always mails me when I order something, but never responds when I mail back.”

Me: *things start to clear* “Sir… are you talking about our ‘No Reply’ email address?”

Client: “Well, maybe you pronounce it like that… Go talk to him!”

Me: “Sir… ‘No Reply’ means you can’t respond to this email. If you want to contact customer service, you should use [address].”

Client: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?! And who have I been mailing with, then?!”

Me: “That would be our computer, then.”

Client: “Can’t you tell him to mail back that I used the wrong address?!”

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That’s Not The Ticket To A Resolution

, , , | Legal | April 24, 2019

(My former employer shares one very large parking lot with two other large stores. The borough owns the lot and does not want large vehicles like tractor trailers and motorhomes parking there overnight, so they have large yellow signs with black print and reflective edges at every entrance and exit, stating that these vehicles will be ticketed and possibly towed at the owner’s expense. There is a second sign below the first stating that there is a truck stop just down the road with a free shuttle service between the truck stop and our store. One summer day, I am working at the customer service desk alone when an irate driver comes up.)

Driver: *waves a small tan envelope in my face* “This is bulls***!” *opens the envelope, brandishing a parking ticket* “It says I can’t park my rig here? I always park at [Supercenter]!”

Me: “Some [Supercenter]s own the parking lots by their stores, but unfortunately, we do not. Our lot is owned by the borough—“

Driver: “I always park at [Supercenter]! I spend hundreds in your stores every week!”

Me: “I apologize, sir, but the borough does not allow large vehicles to park in our lot. There is a truck stop about a mile down the road with a free shuttle service to our store.”

Driver: “How am I supposed to know I can’t park here?”

Me: “There are signs posted at every entrance and exit of the lot.”

Driver: “Every other [Supercenter] in the universe lets me do it!”

Me: *losing my patience* “As I said, sir, we do not own the parking lot. You’ll have to take it up with the local police. I can give you their number if you’d like.”

Driver: “Take it back.”

Me: “I can’t. You can contact the police department but—“

Driver: “No. You will take this back. I’m not paying this f****** ticket.”

Me: “[Supercenter] has nothing to do with the police department issuing parking tickets.”

Driver: “Well, you can go f*** yourself. I’m not paying.”

(The man ripped up the ticket and blew the shreds in my face before storming out. I swept up the pieces, put them in another envelope, and contacted a manager to ask what to do with the shreds; she took them and contacted the police, who sent over an officer to collect the pieces. The officer laughed when I told him the story, saying he was the one who’d issued the ticket. It was only $10.)

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A Quick-Fire Response

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2019

(I am working at the customer service desk when the phone rings:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store] customer service. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I have a complaint. Are you a manager?”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not a manager but I can call for one. Could you hold?”

Caller: “No, you’re just going to hang up on me. Some b**** at the service desk told me that I can’t do any more returns. That’s bulls***!”

Me: “That’s odd. Did she say why?”

Caller: “I didn’t have a receipt. But I’ve done it before!”

Me: “In order to do a return without a receipt, we need your ID for our records. If you do three non-receipt returns in a rolling six-month period, the system flags your ID and puts a hold on it for ninety days. We can—“

Caller: “That’s so f****** stupid.”

Me: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you stopped swearing at me.”

Caller: *mocking* “Oh. Okay. I’ll stop swearing.”

Me: “Now, I am not a manager but I can—“

Caller: “I want that girl fired!”

Me: “I don’t have the authority to do that, but I can take some basic information and have a manager call you back, or I can put you on hold and get a manager now.”

Caller: “I want to hear you tell that snotty b**** that she is fired!”

Me: “Again, I do not have that authority. Beyond that, I don’t know which associate you’re talking about.”

Caller: “Well, find out!”

Me: “Do you remember anything about the associate or the time you were here?”

Caller: “That’s not my job!”

Me: *fed up* “Okay. Can I put you on hold to get a manager?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Can I take your information and have a manager call back?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “What would you like me to do, sir?”

Caller: “DO SOMETHING!”

Me: “Okay.” *to the wall beside me* “Hey! You’re fired!” *to the customer* “Is that okay, sir?”

Caller: “Finally!” *hangs up*

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Unfiltered Story #147126

, , | Unfiltered | April 16, 2019

(My dad is a truck driver that was injured. He worked for a while answering phones. One day, this happened.)

Dad: How can I help you?
Lady: My freight hasn’t arrived yet!
Dad: What’s your pro-number?
Lady: I don’t have a pro-number!
Dad: Who is the company that you are shipping from?
Lady: Um… (name of company)
Dad: It doesn’t register, there’s no company by that name in our database.
Lady: It’s your freight!
Dad: No, ma’am…
Lady: You’ll hear from me soon!
(Later on, she calls back.)
Lady: ITS YOUR FREIGHT!
(My dad hung up.)

Getting An Education Is On His Bucket List

, , , | Right | April 2, 2019

(I work at a customer service center for a website that sells books, DVDs, toys, etc. — a digital warehouse. A customer calls about a return.)

Caller: “I was hoping I could return these books; they were intended for his study.”

Me: “Sure, let’s see what we can do. What is the order number?”

Caller: *gives number* “I really hope we can return them, seeing as he kicked the bucket.” *uses a Dutch equivalent of this term*

Me: “Oh, no, I’m so sorry to hear that! Of course you can return them! I’m so sorry!”

(The books are within requirements anyway, so a return would always be possible.)

Caller: “Really? How nice of you. How do I return them?”

Me: *gives instructions* “Again, I’m so sorry.”

Caller: “It’s fine; he already looked for a new field.”

Me: “New study?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Your son is okay?”

Caller: “Yes, why did you think he wasn’t?”

Me: “You said he kicked the bucket!”

Caller: “Yes?”

Me: “That means he died!”

Caller: “No, no, no…. He didn’t die! Kicking the bucket means he gave up!”

(We had a good laugh about it and I was relieved her son was fine. In case you wondered, the proverb she used was, “De pijp aan Maarten geven,” meaning, “Giving a pipe to Saint Peter.” It can mean, “to give up,” but it’s quite often used for someone who passed away.)

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