Our restaurant opened a makeshift patio for the health crisis, and it’s the biggest source of frustration at my job. So many folks come in to order takeout from us, only to walk outside and eat at our tables.

I get it; the weather is nice and they want to enjoy their food. But we have signs and tell customers that the outside patio is full-service and for dine-ins only. Most people understand and pack up and leave when we ask. But sometimes we get difficult people who like to argue. Last night, I had to argue with a group of guys and their wives and baby.

Customer #1: “We just got food. Why can’t we sit here?”

Me: “Do you always get food from restaurants for takeouts and start eating there?”

Customer #2: “We paid for our food!”

Me: “Yes, you got takeouts. This is for dine-ins.”

Customer #1: “We’re not dining inside; we’re outside.”

Me: “The tables outside are the very same as inside: same rules, same policies, same service.”

Customer #2: “Lemme see your policy.”

Me: “Sir, you don’t work here.”

And it went back and forth. Mind you, I gave them three different chances to change their order from takeout to dine-in. I explained to them that the tables outside wouldn’t be available to them. And they nodded their heads saying that, yes, they wanted takeout, all three times.

The thing that got me was that during the entire time I spent arguing with them telling them they can’t eat their takeout there, one of them opened ANOTHER box in my face and started eating that, too. I then told them they had to pack it up or I’d call the cops for trespassing.

One dude then asked:

Customer #3: “If I get some fries, then it’s cool, right?”

Me: “That’s not how it works. People can’t order $100 in takeouts and then sit down and get a side of fries for $5 to sit there. I’m refusing you service. You have to go.”

I called the police.

Also frustrating was when the cops came. They asked me to just get the guy some fries. I had to pull the cops to the side and explain to THEM that it was not fair to my server. If they got some fries, what was the tip gonna be? $0.50 cents? Then we’d have to clean everything else up?

It took them twenty minutes and more talking to the police to finally leave, but they finished their food anyway, so I’m still mad about it.

At Christmas 2020, one of our sons gifted my wife and me a monthly subscription from a fancy coffee roaster business near his home in Toronto. According to the card he gave us at Christmas, it was a six-month subscription for two bags of their specialty roasted coffees per month, with the first delivery in time for Christmas.

Like many businesses in 2020, this coffee roaster had to pivot to incorporate and/or ramp up more online sales for the Christmas season. Based on what happened to us, it seems they had some challenges dealing with the volume of orders for these subscriptions.

The first hint that this was not going as planned was a delay in the first delivery. Christmas came and went, but there was no initial delivery until New Year’s Eve day when a box showed up on our doorstep with not two but twelve bags of coffee: two different flavours, with six bags of each.

We contacted our son to let him know the gift had finally arrived, but not exactly as he had described it. He apologized, and we all wrote it off as an error when placing the order on their webpage. No worries, we said, we got what was intended, just all at once.

Fast forward to the third week of January. Another box from the coffee roaster company showed up, but there were only two bags of coffee this time. There was one of each flavour — the same two flavours as had arrived in the initial box of twelve. We mentioned the shipment to our son and he said he’d look into his emails about the order and sort out what had happened.

February rolled around, and… another box arrived. We got the same two bags of the same flavour coffee. We found that two bags a month matched our caffeine consumption, so we had only made a modest dent in the first box of twelve. As you might imagine, our pantry was slowly being overrun with coffee. Again, our son was surprised that they were still shipping more bags, but at that point, he basically told us not to worry about it and that if they billed him for the extra bags, he would take care of it.

So… lather, rinse, and repeat through March, April, May, and June. Each month, a nice little box of the same two flavours of coffee arrived. By now, the “bottomless coffee subscription” was a running joke within the family as we waited to see how long it would take for them to figure out the mistake, stop sending the coffee, and contact my son. But they never did.

We certainly enjoyed the coffee, but we confessed that we were getting tired of the same flavours and resorted to giving some bags to other family members as well as our son when he came by for a visit. At that point, we figured the original monthly subscription was done and that was it. But no.

On a Sunday in the middle of July, I was out packing the car with my wife in preparation for our departure on a two-week vacation. A small car rolled up to the curb in front of our house and a young woman on delivery stepped out and walked up the driveway with — you guessed it — another box of the coffees we had been enjoying for the last six-plus months. I thanked her, and we wished each other a nice day and tossed the box in the house before locking up and leaving.

To our muted relief, that was the final delivery. A total of twenty-six bags of coffee for the price of twelve was a good deal for us, and our son never heard a peep from the coffee roasters.

I hope that for Christmas 2021, they improved their internal controls and had better-trained staff picking orders!

My friend is a bit of a moron. He’s not a bad person, and he’s not an anti-vaxxer, but he legitimately didn’t seem to think that getting vaccinated was important until all his coworkers started getting sick with the latest variant of a particular contagious illness.

As soon as the third coworker where he works caught [illness], [Coworker] scheduled an appointment to get vaccinated, but he could only find one three and a half weeks out.

Sadly, he tested positive himself four days before the appointment. This absolute moron of a man decided to go and get vaccinated while currently sick with the illness, despite my efforts to convince him to wait, because, and I quote:

Friend: “I ain’t waiting another three and a half weeks. I’m ready to do it now, and I’m gonna get ‘er done.”

He was in the emergency room the next day; the vaccine had made his symptoms worse. He spent two weeks in the hospital.

About two weeks after that, he tested negative for the illness. He’d been testing every two or three days. He told me:

Friend: “Oh, good thing. I got my second dose of the vaccine yesterday.”

This takes place when our grocery store still has arrows pointing down the aisles to help encourage social distancing. I am doing our weekly grocery shopping with my toddler. Most people aren’t following the arrows, but we have gone down the correct way of the aisle. A woman and man come down the opposite way, so I move my cart to the side to let them through. As they pass, she shoots me a dirty look.

Woman: *Turns to the man with her* “Some people are so f****** selfish! Not paying attention to the signs and just doing whatever they want!”

I point to the sign they entered past which has an X and says, “Wrong Way.”

Me: “You mean like that sign?”

She turned red, and the man just burst out laughing while she quickly left the aisle.

My company recently bought some at-home tests for a certain contagious illness. I am NOT a medical professional, but I have somehow been elected to the glorious position of contact tracing anyone who takes a test.

[Employee] comes to my office with his mask below his chin, sniffling and wiping his nose with his hand. I hold out a box of tissues and pinch my own mask tighter.

Me: “Pull your mask up.”

Employee: “I need a test.”

Me: “That’s fine, but you need to wear your mask while you’re not testing.”

Employee: “Ugh. Fine.” *Pulls it up under his nose* “Happy?”

Me: “No. Do it right.”

He makes a show of pulling his mask up properly and pinching the nose.

Employee: “Okay?!”

Me: “Yes, thank you. Read and sign this, please.”

I hand him the form everyone has to sign to take one of these tests. Basically, it states that we are not medical professionals and this is not an official diagnosis but more of a guideline toward the next steps. It also states that if the test comes back positive, he will seek a second test paid for by our company at a medical facility, and if it comes back negative, it is up to him to decide if he wants a second test, which the company will also pay for. He signs and tosses the paper back at me.

Employee: “This is stupid. It’s probably just a cold. [Employee #2] is out there acting like I have the plague.”

Me: “You can take the test at that seat over there and wait for the results.”

[Employee] does as he is told. He waits for the timer before looking.

Employee: “This is bulls***. Give me another one.”

Me: “It’s positive?”

Employee: “Give me another one.”

Me: “No, you need to follow policy and go get tested at a testing site. I can book—”

Employee: “Give me another f****** test!”

Me: “Do you not trust that test?”

Employee: “No! It’s probably pre-programmed to say positive!”

Me: “Then what makes you think the next one won’t say the same thing?”

Employee: “I’m not going to get another test.”

Me: “[Employee], you don’t really have a choice. Can you provide proof of vaccination?”

Employee: “That’s none of your f****** business.”

It is, in this case, because it’s part of contact tracing, and the time he would have to quarantine is different depending on whether or not he is vaccinated.

Me: “Okay. I’ll just submit this report to Human Resources saying you aren’t willing to answer.”

[Employee] sat in the chair, glaring and sniffling. He wiped his nose one last time with the palm of his hand and, without breaking eye contact, wiped that snotty hand on the arm of the chair before leaving. I called building security to escort him from the property and notified HR that we had a potential positive case and that he refused to answer my question.

He tried to come back to work later that day and several other days, but he was refused access until he provided a negative test result. He never came back. I read the report from HR and found that he was not only unvaccinated, but he had also purchased a fake vaccine card to shorten his quarantine period. He was consequently released from his duties at our company.