Dad Jokes Aren’t All Greek To You

, , , , , , | Working | June 1, 2021

I’m currently in a weekly planning session with my coworkers. Due to the recent health crisis, we’ve been primarily working from home, and today, some of our team are back in the [City] office to socialise for the first time in months. They’re discussing their plans for lunch and where they’ll be going.

Colleague: “Well, it was a fifty-fifty between Greek and Thai, but we decided to go with Greek.”

Me: “So, what you’re telling us is that you had a Thai-breaker?”

The entire team groans.

Team Leader: “How can you have such bad dad jokes without having any kids?”

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This Refund’s About To Get Hairy

, , , , , | Working | May 31, 2021

I’m clothes shopping in the time of the health crisis, so no changing rooms are open. I pick up a jumpsuit I think is cute and buy it, making sure to keep the receipt in case I need to return it. I get home and try it on but it’s too long in the leg so I put it back in the bag. It’s out of the bag for a total of maybe five minutes.

The next day, I go back to the store to return it.

Me: “Hi, I’d like to return this.”

I place the jumpsuit and receipt on the counter.

Assistant: “Okay, I just need to get a supervisor to do that.”

She pages a supervisor, who comes up in a couple of minutes. The supervisor picks at the jumpsuit with the end of her fingers like it’s disgusting.

Supervisor: “Sorry, you can’t return this.”

Me: *Confused* “I only bought it yesterday.”

Supervisor: “It’s not in a resalable condition.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Supervisor: “Look here; it’s all dirty.”

She then points at one hair that has stuck to the fabric of the jumpsuit.

Me: “Ummm, okay.”

I was about to protest further when the supervisor walked away. I was furious but I just picked up my stuff and left. When I got home, I picked off the hair and asked my friend who was going into town the next day to see if she could return it. She got the same rude woman who, once again, picked over the item looking for some excuse to refuse the return, but she eventually gave in and did it.

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Never Mess With Someone Who Only Talks In Capital Letters

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: mtbikechick | May 30, 2021

It’s the beginning of summer during the health crisis and things are sort of getting back to normal with stores. I have been out mountain biking with some friends, and I stop by a big store to pick up a few things to make dinner for my daughter and me. Then, I happen to see my best friend with her child. He is turning four years old, and she is buying him a bicycle for his birthday. This is right up my alley!

Me: “Great! Let Auntie [My Name] help you out with it.”

We find a good sixteen-inch-wheel starter bike and look at helmets, and I even fit the helmet to him. [Best Friend] and I chat a bit while her child looks at other toys.

Then, I hear an “ahem” and I turn to see a woman standing there.

Me: “I’m sorry if I’m in your way of the shelves.”

Customer: *Rudely* “Now that you are done with her, you can help me with my child and a bike for him.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I don’t work here. I was just helping my friend with her son.”

Customer: “Yes, you do! You are wearing cycling clothes!”

Me: “I just got finished with a ride about an hour ago and came here to pick things up and saw my friend. I’m just helping her. I’m sure one of the employees would be glad to help you. I really don’t work here.”

Best Friend: “She doesn’t work here, lady.”

Customer: “You need to butt out and shut up. I wasn’t talking to you.”

Me: *To my friend* “Oh, my God! Let’s go and get away from this crazy lady.”

Customer: “What?! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT?! I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED!”

Me: *Trying to stay calm* “I DON’T WORK HERE!”

My friends always say that I am really scary when I’m mad. I’m 5’10” and fit; I’m not a small woman. We try to walk away and the lady grabs my arm. I pull out of her grip.

Me: “If you touch me again, I will have you arrested!”

I try to walk away again and she grabs my cycling jersey.

Customer: “YOU ARE GOING TO HELP ME AND I’M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO YOU THE MANAGER, ALSO!”

Me: “Let go of my jersey, you f****** wingnut!”

Then, a manager comes around the corner and the lady screams at him.

Customer: “YOU NEED TO FIRE YOUR EMPLOYEE FOR NOT HELPING ME!”

Manager: “Ma’am, she doesn’t work here, and you need to let her go before I have you escorted out the door.”

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU TREAT PAYING CUSTOMERS THIS WAY?!”

I pull my jersey from her grip and she tries to slap me. I grab her wrist in mid-flight.

Me: “YOU HAVE NOW DONE IT, LADY!”

And I twist her arm behind her. The woman is now yelling about assault and screaming about how badly I am hurting her arm as I pull it up behind her back. I do have a lot of fighting training. [Best Friend] is recording it all on her phone and trying to calm her kid at the same time.

Me: *To the manager* “Call the sheriff’s department right now. I’m having her arrested!”

Customer: “LET ME GO! I WILL SUE YOU ALL! YOU ARE ALL GOING TO JAIL!”

Me: “I don’t think so!”

I wrench her arm up harder, and escort her and her crying kid up to the front of the store as we wait for someone from the sheriff’s department. Two deputy sheriffs walk in; I know them both from having to use the sheriff’s department a lot in my line of work. I let go and the woman screams.

Customer: “ARREST HER NOW FOR ASSAULTING ME!”

Deputy #1: “Ma’am, you need to calm down right now!”

Customer: “NO! SHE ASSAULTED ME!”

[Best Friend], the manager, and I just stand there, wait for the deputies to handle everything, and answer anything that is asked of us.

Deputy #2: “[My Name]… what is going on here?”

Customer: “YOU KNOW THIS B****?! ARREST HER!”

Deputy #1: “You need to be quiet or I’m going to arrest you!”

I am feeling really bad for her child; he is crying as another employee tries to keep him calm. [Customer] keeps screaming. Then, they cuff her as the manager, [Best Friend], and I talk to [Deputy #2] about what happened.

I don’t want to press charges because I don’t want to spend time in court; I spend enough time in court with my line of work.

The woman is banned from that store. The manager apologizes for everything and gives my best friend and me $50 gift cards. I hand mine to [Best Friend], and it pays for the bike and helmet.

I think that will be the end of this and that I’ll never see that woman again. I am wrong.

Two weeks go by. I’m in my office at work; I own a home rental business, family-owned. I spent my whole life in this business and took over when my parents retired. I’ve told everyone in the office about what happened at the store.

This one fine day, this couple comes in to file and sign final paperwork on a home rental. My office manager buzzes me and asks if I can come out to meet the new renters and introduce myself to them. As I walk up front, a look of shock hits my face. It’s the lady from the store!

Customer: “YOU! DON’T TELL ME YOU WORK HERE!”

Me: *Calmly* “Yes, I do work here.”

Customer: “WHO IS YOUR MANAGER?! I’M GOING TO HAVE YOU FIRED!”

Her husband turns red with embarrassment. I point to the office manager.

Me: “She is the manager; talk to her.”

Customer: *Yelling at my manager* “YOU SHOULD FIRE THIS WORTHLESS B****!”

Office Manager: “I can’t fire her; only the owner of the company can fire her.”

Customer: “I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE OWNER!”

Office Manager: *Pointing at me* “She is the owner.”

Me: “Yes, you are in my place of business. I’m not going to rent a house to you and I’m asking you to leave right now, never to come back, before I call the sheriff’s department.”

She left in a big hurry with her husband in tow.

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Four Teens One Cup

, , , , , | Right | May 29, 2021

Due to the health crisis, we have a new line system around the soda machines and a dedicated staff member whose job is to pour drinks for the customers. There are also stanchions around the soda machines to keep people away from them. It’s done this way to encourage social distancing and to avoid having too many people crowded around the machines at any given point, in addition to avoiding having too many people touching them. The customers pay for drinks at the concession stand and then bring their receipts over to the drink machines to get their drinks. I will also note that we offer free courtesy cups of water at the soda machines if you just need a small drink but don’t want to buy a soda. A group of teenagers comes up to the soda station: two girls and two boys.

Girl #1: “Can I have a cup?”

Me: “Sure, what for? I can give you a free courtesy cup of water if you’d like.”

Girl #1: “I just want a cup.”

Me: “All righty.”

I hand her a courtesy cup.

Girl #1: “Oh, can I have one of your large cups?”

Me: “Sorry, I can only give you a large cup if you paid for a large drink. Did you pay for a large drink at the concession stand?”

Girl #1: “No.”

Me: “Sorry, then I can’t give you a large cup.”

Girl #1: “Okay.”

I turn back to the group and ask them if there’s anything else I can do for them, when [Girl #1] ducks under the stanchion, and begins tapping on the screen of one of the soda machines.

Me: “Excuse me, you can’t be back here. Please do not touch the soda machines.”

Girl #1: “Why?”

Me: “Due to the health crisis, we have a staff member doing drinks. That’s why I’m standing here and there are stanchions around the machines.”

Girl #1: “Um… I just wanted water, dude.”

Me: “And I can get you water, but you cannot be behind the stanchions. They’re there to keep the machines blocked off.”

[Girl #1] looks a bit flustered but ducks back around to the front of the stanchion. I take her courtesy cup and fill it with water.

Girl #1: *Very snooty* “Thank you for getting my water!”

[Boy #1] steps forward.

Boy #1: “Yo, lemme get a large blue icee!”

Me: “Did you pay for an icee at the concession stand?”

Boy #1: “Um… no?”

Me: “You can purchase one over there and bring me the receipt, and then I can get you one.”

Boy #1: “C’mon! Just gimme one!”

Me: “No.”

[Boy #1] goes silent.

Boy #2: “Can I get a large Coke?”

Me: “I can get you one, but you’ll need to pay first at the concession stand.”

Boy #2: “But she got water!”

Me: “I can give you a water cup, but I can’t give you a large soda unless you’ve paid for one.”

Boy #2: “You can’t just give me a large soda?”

Me: “No.”

[Boy #2] goes silent. [Girl #2] steps up.

Girl #2: “Can I get two water cups?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

Girl #2: “…but fill them with blue icee!”

Me: “I can give you water. If you want an icee, you’ll have to pay for one at the concession stand.”

Girl #2: “Yeah, but I want water cups full of icee.”

Me: “Again, I can give you water for free. If you want an icee, you’ll have to pay for one at the concession stand.”

Girl #2: “Just give me one water cup, then.”

I gave her the water cup and the group dispersed and went to their theater. Their show was the last of the night, and they were pretty much my last customers, so I started to shut down the machines shortly after they left to clean them.

About twenty minutes later, I was standing in another part of the lobby when one of the boys came out and began toying with the icee machine, trying to turn it on. I ended up having to chase him off after reminding him that customers were not allowed behind the stanchions.

And then, about fifteen minutes later, one of the girls came out and tried to do the exact same thing. After giving them a firm warning that I’d have no problems kicking them out without a refund if they kept messing with the machines and trying to steal icees, they finally stopped.

Doncha love teenagers?

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Spluttering Excuses

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2021

It is before masks are a norm. A man asks for some help with a dog collar so I walk over, keeping a two-meter distance. The man steps closer, so I step back. He comes closer, I go back. This continues the whole time discussing the collars.

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I am just maintaining a safe distance as per health guidelines.”

He ignores me.

He finally chooses a collar when standing no closer than a few inches from me. He coughs, splutters all over my face, and there are bits of mucus now in my hair. I leave the store and walk out as my manager watches in horror.

I wash my face in the public toilets nearby. I have never been so angry in my life.

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