We’re Positive That Was A Bad Choice

, , , , , , , | Learning | May 4, 2021

My school is hybrid with students coming in part-time due to full-time viral yuck. A student emails me that she may have been exposed to viral yuck and wants me to know she’s quarantined. I call her to check in on her.

Me: “So, you went out with friends and one of them tested positive afterward?”

Student: “Yes, ma’am. I didn’t even hang out with her that much.”

Me: “You were in different rooms the whole time?”

Student: “No, but we only got near each other to pass what we were smoking.”

Me: “…”

Student: “What?”

Me: “First of all, why are you telling me that part? Second, you put your mouth on something that had her saliva and breath on it?”

Student: “Well, now that you put it that way, I’m worried.”

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Your Fling With A Mask Means We Fling Your Groceries

, , , , | Right | May 4, 2021

I’m grocery shopping at a store where the cashiers scan your items into a cart and you bag them yourself. I’m wearing my mask, as required by the store and a statewide mask mandate, while the woman behind me is not. The cashier scans my groceries at the normal pace I’d expect, and I head over to the bagging counter as she starts scanning the items of the maskless lady behind me. I notice the cashier scans and tosses the items into the cart as fast as she possibly can, to the obvious annoyance of the woman.

Customer: “Can you stop flinging my groceries into the cart?!”

Cashier: *In a tone suggesting she is well beyond caring* “I’m the manager of this store, and I implemented a new policy yesterday which is if you’re not wearing a mask, I don’t care about your groceries. I want you out of my store.”

I finished my bagging and left the store laughing, so I don’t know what sort of fit the customer started throwing after that, but man, to live every retail worker’s dream, if only for a moment!

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It Sounds Like The Cat Escaped

, , , , , , , | Right | May 3, 2021

I am on my way back to my register from my break when I see a woman coming straight toward me pushing a walker. She makes eye contact with me, parks her walker in the middle of the walkway, and steps to one side to look at something. I now have a small little opening to try and squeeze through to get past her, making social distancing difficult.

Me: “Excuse me, please.”

I carefully scoot past her.

Customer: “Sorry, but not really.”

I don’t say anything and return to my register. An hour later, the woman comes around the corner, her mask down beneath her chin. She looks at some items and picks up a small packet, covers her mouth with it, and coughs loudly on it. She then comes to my register and tries to hand it to me.

Me: “Sorry, I can’t touch that.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because your mask is off and you coughed all over it.”

Customer: “Tch, it’s a smoker’s cough!”

Me: “It doesn’t matter. Your mask is off and I can’t touch that after you’ve coughed all over it.”

She sighs, pulls her mask back up, and puts the item in her purse. She grabs another one and has me scan it instead. As she’s paying, she pulls her mask off again.

Customer: “I’ve been smoking a lot more because I’m stressed about my cat. I let a bunch of strangers stay in my house, and I knew I shouldn’t, and they left the door open and my cat ran away.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Please pull your mask back up. Cats are smart; it might come back.”

Customer: “No. My daughter is a white witch and she told me the cat is already dead.”

Me: “Um… I’m… sorry.”

I just stood there blinking as she finally left.

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We Can Trace The Irony

, , , | Right | CREDIT: CaptColten | May 2, 2021

I had a customer come in and complain about how the government is going to track us with the [health crisis] contact tracing information.

He paid with a debit card.

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You’ve Been Unmasked As A Customer!

, , , , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: czmAvery | May 2, 2021

My boyfriend and I have just placed an order at a coffee and waffle place. As we are heading outside to wait for our order, we run into another pair of customers. We kind of stare at each other for a moment, and then the woman points at the man with her.

Woman: “Hey, his mask just broke. Do you guys have a spare?”

I blink for a moment, a bit confused, because who carries around spare masks if they have their own cloth one? But I actually do have a spare because I traveled on a plane and bought a pack of masks to use. I only needed one but ended up getting five.

Me: “Yeah, actually. I should have one in the car.”

The woman’s eyes widen.

Woman: “I’m so sorry. I thought you worked here!”

I laughed and told her it was no problem.

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