Sheep Dung’s Better Than The Alternative

, , , , , | Related | April 11, 2020

My mom has well over a dozen cousins and keeps in contact with them more or less regularly, with one exception. This exception looks somewhat like Catweazle and is a CAM practitioner — Complementary and Alternative Medicine — selling all kinds of diagnostics and treatments that have no scientific foundation whatsoever and that he partially made up himself. In other words, he’s a quack.

He’s infamous throughout the family for breaking ties with his own sister when she refused to take his herbs instead of a proper treatment of her breast cancer. Now, however, the health scare seems to lead some family members to forget about that. This is a message my mom got from one of her — usually reasonable — cousins:

Cousin: “As you know from the media, the Corona can cause pneumonia. Well, I remembered something my cousin told me once! He said that sheep’s urine has healing properties for the lungs. So, I called him and he confirmed my theory! According to him, to prevent infection, you should cook milk with sheep’s dung and drink a cup of it in the morning! It works both as prophylaxis and as treatment.”

Some other family members got this message from her, as well. I don’t even have words for how shocked and disgusted I am.

Dear everyone: please stay sane and stay healthy. Keep social contacts to a minimum, and listen to your doctors and common sense.

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A Grand Effort To Prevent Disease

, , , , , , | Healthy | April 10, 2020

My aunt was about to become a grandmother and wanted to make sure she was clean of any diseases before visiting her daughter and newborn grandchild in the hospital. She had suspected that she had a cold and wanted to make sure it wasn’t anything worse, so she set up a doctor’s appointment.

When she went in for her appointment, the doctor came into the exam room in a full hazmat suit.

The doctor apologized and explained that it was a new protocol when seeing patients who might have a certain disease. My aunt was given a clean bill of health and will see her first grandchild soon.

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Customers Not Fit To Wipe Your Behind With

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2020

I work in a large superstore. Due to all the panic-buying, we’ve introduced some social distancing, limited the number of items customers can buy, and made a few other temporary changes to the rules, such as refunds.

I am working at the customer service desk, and I see a woman approach with a cart filled to overflowing with toilet paper. My shoulders drop; I know exactly where this is going.

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I—”

Customer: *Interrupting me* “I need to make a return.”

Me: “Do you have a faulty product?”

I know she doesn’t, but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt for no other reason than that I hope this isn’t going to become that situation.

Customer: “I don’t need this much toilet paper. I want to return it. All of it.”

I point to a sign we have put up all over the store, stating that we are no longer accepting refunds on toilet paper, hand sanitizer, antibacterial wipes, etc. I explain the same thing to the customer.

Customer: “What?! But that’s ridiculous! You just put those up!”

Me: “Actually, yes, we did. Yesterday.”

Customer: “But I bought these last week, so that shouldn’t apply to me!”

Me: “Unfortunately, ma’am, it applies to all purchases of this type, regardless of when they were made.”

I then look her directly in the eyes when I say this part.

Me: “It’s to discourage selfish panic-buying.”

Customer: “I would like to speak to your manager.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a company-wide policy; my manager will not be able to do anything about it.”

Customer: “Manager, now.”

I call my manager over and explain the situation.

Manager: “Ma’am, we will not accept a refund on your toilet paper. If you have too much, I would suggest making a donation to a shelter.”

Customer: “No! I paid for these! I deserve my refund!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I am certain there are many things that you deserve. Unfortunately, you’re not getting any of them here.”

Customer: “I will be complaining! I’ll post this online!”

Manager: “Woman buys thirty-two packs of toilet paper during panic-buying, denying essential supplies for others, now realizes she was an idiot, and wants to prove it further by demanding a refund? Please, go ahead and send me the link; I need the entertainment.”

The customer huffs and puffs, makes more threats, and storms out with her mountain of toilet paper. My manager turns to me.

Manager: “I’ll keep an eye out on the review sites. If she posts, I’m going to put it on the staff bulletin board to give us all something to laugh at.”

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If The Paranoia Glove Fits…

, , , , , , , | Right | April 9, 2020

I work at a grocery store. This happens when the panic buying and craziness is going around, although there are no confirmed cases in this state at the time. I am bagging a woman’s groceries, and she is telling the cashier how nervous she is about the outbreak. She’s got rubber gloves on to prove this point.

All of a sudden, I cough slightly, not a big one, though. The woman gives me a look of horror and says, “Stay away from me,” and tells me to go bag somewhere else. I oblige, but she walks past me with her hands up towards me as she leaves the store.

I mean, if you’re that scared of an illness, just put yourself in a giant bubble.

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It’s Like Counting Ammo Before The Zombie Apocalypse

, , , , , | Related | April 8, 2020

My sister and I are texting each other about supplies we have on hand during this time of panic buying.

Sister: “I just counted, and I have sixty rolls of TP.”

She’s not hoarding; she just grabs a pack every time she goes shopping so she’s never out. 

Me: “I have seventeen rolls: a twelve-pack we picked up last week and seven rolls under the bathroom sink.”

Sister: “Um… that’s nineteen rolls.”

Me: “Yay! I have two more rolls than I thought I did!”

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