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Sanitized From The Situation

, , , , | Right | April 25, 2020

I work at a dollar store, and there’s a line of three customers at the register. There is a sign on the door that states that we are out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Me: “Your total is $13.68.”

As [Customer #1] is paying, [Customer #2] steps out of line. 

Customer #2: “Excuse me, are you busy?”

I don’t immediately reply as I help [Customer #1].

Customer # 2: “Um, hello? Where is the hand sanitizer? It’s not by the toilet paper.”

Me: “If we have any, it is in the last aisle by the body wash.”

[Customer #2] goes looking while [Customer #1] leaves. [Customer #3] comes up.

Customer #3: “I guess she did see your sign on the door.”

I am trying not to laugh.

Me: “I guess not!”

This Would Have Been Even Weirder A Year Ago

, , , , , , | Learning | April 24, 2020

As our school is preparing to shut down for a disease outbreak, the administration is coordinating the transition to distance learning. These are extracts from emails sent ten minutes apart.

Email #1: “As we cannot guarantee access to any campus buildings, please be sure to bring any materials that you will require to continue working home.”

Email #2: “In response to the deluge of questions, the administration would like to ask all staff working in laboratories to please disregard our previous email.”

Email #3: “To further follow up, any objects of study that are not considered part of laboratory research but are too dangerous or physically large to be moved should remain on campus.”

Email #4: “In light of the continued questions, please disregard our previous guidance on working from home. We would now like you to use common sense when deciding what is appropriate to bring with you.”

There’s No Vaccine For Idiocy

, , , , , | Right | April 24, 2020

Like many other theaters, my theater has closed due to the outbreak. Staff members are still working our final scheduled shifts, though we are mainly focusing on cleaning, throwing out food that will expire, etc.

We aren’t open to the public and have notices on our doors explaining that we aren’t open. At around 7:00 pm, I hear frenzied knocking and see a frustrated man standing at the door. I walk over and crack the door open.

Me: “Um… can I help you?”

Customer: “[Movie] is opening tonight, and I wanna see it! Let me in! Why would you have the doors locked?!”

Me: “I apologize, but the theater is indefinitely closed due to the—”

Customer: “Bulls***! [Movie] comes out tonight!”

Me: “Sir, not only are we not open, but the studio pulled [Movie] from their release schedule. It likely won’t be out for several months, if not next year.”  

Customer: “But I saw a few weeks ago that [Movie] opened tonight!”

Me: “Sir, I assure you, [Movie] is not coming out tonight.”

Customer: “You’re not gonna let me in?!”

Me: “No, sir, I can’t let you in as we are not open and likely won’t be back open for several months.”

Customer: “Pfft! Good luck staying in business if you aren’t even gonna let people in to see movies!”

He stormed away. Of course, the last customer I dealt with before we closed down was an idiot. I just hope I don’t see him again once we reopen… whenever that may be.

A Whisker Away From Insanity

, , , , , | Related | April 23, 2020

While working from home during the recent global health crisis, I post a picture online of my cat cuddling my laptop and mock-complain that my work calls are being interrupted by purring. The following comment exchange ensues between me and my sisters. 

Sister #1: “In-purr-upted?”

Sister #2: “I am proud of that pun. It is purrfect.” 

Me: *Pause* “Get out.”

Sister #1: “Aww. Do I have to leave right meow?” 

Me: “I guess you can stay for a mew minutes.” 

Sister #2: “You have got to be kitten me! She can stay fur as long as she likes!” 

Remember that laughter helps reduce stress! Stay safe and keep smiling, everyone!

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Trying To Drive Around Your Closing Hours

, , , , | Right | April 23, 2020

We are closing an hour early due to a government health directive. My coworkers and I have just finished shutting off our fryers and everything else, as we just closed about ten minutes ago. 

A car pulls into the parking lot, and out comes a couple who comes in every once in a while. They are always rude, complain about the prices even though they order the most expensive items on our menu, act very odd, and smell terrible.

I unlock and open the door to speak to them.

Me: “Unfortunately, we just closed—”

Customers: *Interrupting me* “No, listen to me!”

Me: “We are closed, sir.”

Customers: “No, you’re not listening to me!”

Me: “Okay, what’s the problem?”

Customers: “My window doesn’t open so I can’t go through the drive-thru! You have to let me order inside!”

Me: “Sir, we are completely closed. We closed at seven. Everything is shut down, including the drive-thru. We have it posted in the windows and have been telling people for a week now that we close at seven instead of eight.”

The man turns around and storms off to his truck. His wife turns to me and says rudely:

Wife: “Sorry.”