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What’s Red Or Blue And Dumb All Over

, , , | Right | October 13, 2010

(I work for a cruise line. We port in a small town where we are too big for the local harbor, so we have to tender the passengers ashore in smaller boats. The passengers are lining up to be issued a tender ticket so they can go ashore. The tickets just happen to be red or blue, but the colors don’t mean anything.)

Passenger: “What’s the difference between the red tickets and the blue tickets?”

Me: *joking* “Well, the red tickets operate as a life preserver in case of an emergency; the blue tickets will turn to stone and take you straight to the bottom. You’ll have to decide among yourselves who gets what.”

(The entire line behind the passenger bursts into hysterical laughter. I’m having difficulty holding a straight face, but the original passenger is staring at me completely horror-stricken.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m joking… There’s no difference.”

Passenger: “Are… are you sure?!”


This story is part of the Humorless Customers roundup!

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Low IQ On The High Seas

, , , | Right | February 3, 2010

(A cruise ship passenger approaches me at the purser’s main guest services desk.)

Passenger: “This sure is a big boat. I’ve been lost three times already today. Do you have a map?”

Me: “Yes, sir, here you are. There are also maps and signs posted throughout the ship on the walls, and you can always ask our staff or crew for directions until you get the feel for the layout.”

Passenger: “Oh, you’ve got such a wonderful crew! I don’t ask directions. I don’t want to seem stupid. How many people fit on this boat?”

Me: “We can carry just about 5,000 passengers and have a crew of nearly 2,000 people.”

Passenger: “And do the crew stay on board with us?”


This story is part of our Clueless Tourists roundup!

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The Vacation Of A Lifetime, Slightly Exaggerated

, , , | Right | July 31, 2009

(I check in cruise-line passengers before they board the ship; our port building is clearly on the ground, right off the street.)

Coworker: “These are your key cards – they’ll get you onto the ship, and then into your room, and also–”

Woman: “You mean we’re not on the ship now?”

Coworker: “No, ma’am.”

Woman: “Oh, good, because they sent me pictures and this doesn’t measure up!”

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Grab Bag: Alaskan Cruise

, , , , , | Right | August 14, 2008

(I worked briefly in one of the regional offices for a cruise line. One of my jobs was to read all customer comment cards from the end of their tours and cruises and enter the comments into our database.)

1. “Please cut down some of the trees in Denali National Park. It is difficult to see the forest because these trees are in the way.”

2. “There are a lot of old cars scattered all over the place. Can you please remove them? They look ugly.”

3. “I wanted to see Mt. McKinley but it was raining and too cloudy. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

4. “I couldn’t swim in the outside pool on the cruise ship because it was raining the entire trip. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

5. “I didn’t like the reindeer sausage you served on the train. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

6. “I wanted to see the wildlife tour, but 5:00 am is way too early for me to wake up while I’m on vacation. Can you please schedule the wildlife to be available later in the afternoon, so that I can see them?”

7. “I was supposed to ride the train through Denali National Park, but there was a fire. Why did you schedule the fire while I was there?”

8. “Why are there so many Alaskan natives in Alaska? Can you ask them to leave?”

9. “There are way too many trees and animals on the wildlife tour. Can you please put in some malls and tennis courts?”

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This One Needs The “Three Hour Tour”

, , | Right | November 26, 2007

Customer: “How long is the one hour tour?”

Me: “60 Minutes.”

Customer: “Where does the harbour tour go?”

Me: “Around the harbour.”

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