Make Benefit Glorious Guestlogisticstan

| Florida, USA | Geography, Tourists/Travel

(I work for a very well known cruise line in Florida. More likely than not, the crew members are not from the US. The people in the terminal on the other hand, are usually locals.)

Me: “Welcome to [cruise line], how are you today?”

Customer: *turning to wife* “Honey, she’s foreign.”

(He then turns back to me, flashes a huge smile, and starts speaking in incredibly slow English)

Customer: “Hello!” *glances at my name tag* “My! I’ve never heard of a country called ‘Guestlogistics’! Where is that?”

Me: “Sir, that’s my position here at the terminal. I’m actually from around here.”

Customer: “Is that in Europe?”

Me: “No, I’m from [next town over].”

Customer: *blank stare* “Okay…anyway, we’re all here to check in.”

What’s Red Or Blue And Dumb All Over

| Alaska, USA | Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

(I work for a cruise line. We ported in a small town where we were too big for the local harbor, so we had to tender the passengers ashore in smaller boats. The passengers are lining up to be issued a tender ticket so they could go ashore. The tickets just happen to be red or blue, but the colors don’t mean anything.)

Passenger: “What’s the difference between the red tickets and the blue tickets?”

Me: *joking* “Well the red tickets operate as a life preserver in case of an emergency, the blue tickets will turn to stone and take you straight to the bottom. You’ll have to decide among yourselves who gets what.”

(The entire line behind the passenger bursts into hysterical laughter, I’m having difficulty holding a straight face, but the original passenger is staring at me completely horror-stricken.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m joking…there’s no difference.”

Passenger: “Are… are you sure?!”

Low IQ On The High Seas

| San Juan, Puerto Rico | Uncategorized

(A cruise ship passenger approaches me at the purser’s main guest services desk.)

Passenger:“This sure is a big boat. I’ve been lost three times already today. Do you have a map?”

Me:“Yes sir, here you are. There are also maps and signs posted throughout the ship on the walls, and you can always ask our staff or crew for directions until you get the feel for the layout.”

Passenger:“Oh, you’ve got such wonderful crew! I don’t ask directions. I don’t want to seem stupid. How many people fit on this boat?”

Me:“We can carry just about 5,000 passengers and have a crew of nearly 2,000 people.”

Passenger:“And do the crew stay on board with us?”

Varicose To His Wife

| Top

(I work on a cruise ship, and it’s 3 pm on embarkation day–the day all guests board. There are hundreds of people in the main atrium, milling about, asking tour questions and filling in forms. A male guest in his 50s approaches one of the tour staff with a paper in hand.)

Customer: “I have filled my form out. It says here you need to check it?”

Me: “Yes, you have a medical waiver for our snorkel tour. I’ll check it over so I can give you your tickets.”

(I read the form and notice that ‘Circulatory Problems’ has been checked.)

Me: “Sir, it says here you have circulation problems. Is this exercise related?”

Customer: “No, I had a minor surgery.”

Me: “Ah, was it cardiovascular, or–”

(A woman, also in her 50s and dressed in a blue velvet leisure suit with lots of gold jewelry suddenly bursts in.)

Customers Wife: *very loudly* “Harvey, what is this man asking you? I’m his wife.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am just confirming some details on his waiver so he can go snorkeling.”

(She grabs the form.)

Customers Wife: “Let me see that…oh, Harvey you didn’t put down your surgery, that’s why.”

(A couple of guests have turned to listen as the wife of Harvey is very, VERY loud.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was just going to ask Harvey–”

Customers Wife: “Oh, I can tell you what it is. It was for removal of varicose veins.”

Me: “So, it really isn’t circula–”

Customers Wife: *loudly* “They’re on his testicles!”

(I quickly take the form and excuse Harvey. Immediately, Harvey runs off.)

Customers Wife: “Harvey, where are you going? Harvey, what’s wrong?” *chases after Harvey*

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

The Vacation Of A Lifetime, Slightly Exaggerated

| Uncategorized

(I check in cruise-line passengers before they board the ship; our port building is clearly on the ground, right off the street.)

Co-worker: “These are your key cards – they’ll get you onto the ship, and then into your room, and also–”

Woman: “You mean we’re not on the ship now?”

Co-worker: “No, ma’am.”

Woman: “Oh, good, because they sent me pictures and this doesn’t measure up!”

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