(My family are on a cruise ship. My sister and I have just gotten in a fight about how she thinks I don’t care about her. I follow her into a gift shop, and she purposely wanders away from me. A man approaches my sister.)

Man: “Hello there.”

Sister: “Umm… Hi?”

Man: “Where are you from?”

Sister: *clearly uncomfortable* “New York?”

Man: “Where from New York?”

Sister: *clearly not interested* “Brooklyn.”

(I wander over into the man’s line of sight, pretending to look through the stuffed animals. I pick up a large stuffed dolphin.)

Man: “Oh, well how about after the cruise finishes, you and I go somewhere nice?”

Sister: “Um… no.”

Man: “Why not? I’m a nice guy, and a pretty girl like—”

(As he says this, I glare at the man and make a big show of angrily crushing the dolphin. Thankfully for him, he catches on quickly.)

Man: “Oh… uh… never mind.”

(The man flees from the store. My sister turns around, and realizes what has happened. We made up shortly afterwards!)

Me: “Alright ma’am, I’ve entered all your requests in the reservation. Have a great day!”

Caller: “Wait, I’m not finished! I want a fruit basket in my room to be there when I arrive. And there better not be any grapes! They’re nasty! They’re dirty and full of germs! I only want fruit with skins I can peel off!”

Me: *being a fellow germophobe* “I definitely understand that. Bananas and oranges.”

Caller: “If I find any skinless fruit, I will immediately throw the entire fruit basket out of the window into the ocean! Do you hear me?”

Me: “Ah, well then we have to move you to a room with a balcony, because the window in your stateroom doesn’t open. The upgrade would cost $2,100.00, is that okay?”

Caller: *long pause* “No, I will just carry it upstairs to the deck and do it from there.”

Me: “Alright, sounds great. Anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “No thanks dear, have a good day.” *click*

(I work at guest services aboard a cruise ship that does 5-day cruises to Canada. We get pretty wacky questions sometimes. A man comes up to the desk.)

Guest: “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Guest: “Where does the water in the pools come from?”

Me: “We actually convert seawater into freshwater and put it into the pools.”

Guest: “Oh, so that’s why the water’s splashing so much!”

(I am a passenger on a cruise ship with my father. I am in my early 20’s and my father is in his late 50’s. We are in the elevator with some other passengers on our way back to our rooms.)

Passenger: *glares at us* “That’s disgraceful!”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Passenger: “That’s disgraceful. The age difference between you two. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Absolutely disgusting!”

(My dad and I give confused looks to each other. The other passengers have now begun to stare.)

Dad: “You’re very right. After all, I used to change her diapers when she was a baby!”

Passenger: “What?!”

Me: “Yeah, older men aren’t my type. Plus, he’s my dad.”

Passenger: *practically plows out of the elevator at the next floor*

(My family are on a cruise to the Bahamas, and my dad decides to take me with him to the casino. I am not allowed to play, but I am allowed to sit next to my dad and watch. After my dad plays for a while, I speak up.)

Me: “Aw, I wish I could play too. This looks like fun.”

Dad: “Tell you what, I’ll let you press some buttons every now and then.”

Me: “Yay, I love buttons!”

Dad: “Okay, now this button lets the dealer give you another—”

Me: *interrupts* “What does this button do?”

(I press it. Some lights go off and a ticket pops out of the machine.)

Me: “Oh wow, what did that do?”

Dad: “…That was the cash-out button.”

Me: “Oh, oopsie. So how much did we win?”

Dad: *pulls out the ticket and reads it* “…Ten cents.”

Me: *squeals* “Yay! We’re rich!”

(Dad chuckles and rolls his eyes.)

Me: “So, we going to cash that bad boy out?”