This Questionnaire Is Murder

, , , , | Working | January 29, 2018

(I’m at an interview for a job with a multi-step interview process. The first step is an automated questionnaire with standard “yes/no” interview questions to fill in some background information on the applicant. One section involves felonies and misdemeanors, including this gem:)

Interview Question: “In the past ten years, have you ever murdered anyone?”

A Vicious Cycle

, , , , | Friendly | January 29, 2018

(I’m biking up the final, steepest hill on my route home from work. I spot ahead of me a huge SUV, stopped and blocking half the bike lane, so I decide to use my voice to let them know that I’m approaching.)

Me: “Get out of the bike lane!”

(I hear a voice from a car going the opposite direction:)

Voice: “You get out of the bike lane!”

(I decide to ignore the childish taunt and focus on the real problem ahead of me.)

Me: “Get out of the bike lane, please!”

(The car ahead finally starts to roll forward and vacates their illegal stop, but not before this little tidbit comes from the window of the car that is now slowly inching forward:)

Driver: “You could have just stopped, you know!”

(My mind nearly blue-screens at the audacity of someone who had been illegally parked across a marked bike lane, but I keep chugging uphill as I yell back:)

Me: “It’s a BIKE LANE!”

(Since this occurred one block from my apartment, when I got home my husband asked if I knew what all that yelling was about.)

This Person Is Such A Headache

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 26, 2018

(A coworker has been on blood-thinning medication for the past couple of months. She isn’t allowed to have other medication that has the same effect, namely aspirin.)

Coworker: “I have such a headache. Does anyone have anything I can take?”

(We all say no, so she resorts to searching through the desks of people who are on holiday. She finally finds some.)

Coworker: “Perfect!”

Me: “Um, shouldn’t you try something else? You aren’t allowed aspirin, remember?”

Coworker: “It’s only two tablets! What harm will it do?”

(She disappears before I can protest further, and comes back with a glass of water, having taken them on the way back. She surreptitiously takes another two a few hours later, and I protest yet again. She goes to the printer and comes back screaming.)

Coworker: “I’ve got a paper cut and it won’t stop bleeding!”

(I see that she is actually applying a lot of pressure on the cut, causing it to stay open.)

Me: “Maybe if you ease up on it, it’ll stop.”

Coworker: “No, you idiot! You do that to stop the flow. Oh, my God, I’m dying! Why did you make me take those d*** pills?!”

(We called an ambulance for her, and the second the paramedics arrived, they loosened her grip and the wound closed within a couple of minutes. She spent the entire time accusing us of trying to kill her, and demanded the paramedics phone the police for “force-feeding her death-pills.” We had to explain the situation, as the paramedics thought she was under some sort of narcotic, and they decided to take her to the hospital to make sure the medication wasn’t wreaking havoc on her blood. When she came back into work the next day, she went straight to our manager and launched a formal complaint. We all needed to give statements, and it was decided that if we are going to bring medication to work, we need to ensure it is secure. [Coworker] was put on temporary leave after we revealed in our statements that she actually went looking for the medication in someone else’s belongings, something she failed to mention in her complaint.)

Watching Your Career Just Flutter By

, , , , | Working | January 26, 2018

(I own a tattoo shop and have recently taken on an apprentice. He’s got a bit of an attitude, but for the most part he’s a promising artist. However, because he’s just an apprentice, we normally pair him with clients who want something simple or easy. On this particular afternoon, he’s set to tattoo a client who would like a butterfly on her shoulder. He complains about how he’s too good to do stuff like butterflies until the start of the appointment. I supervise for the first twenty minutes or so before I’m needed back up at the front. About an hour later I hear crying and screaming coming from the back room.)

Me: “[Artist], [Client]! What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

([Client] is crying and [Artist] looks irritated.)

Client: “He ruined it! Just look!”

Artist: “It’s not my fault she wanted a dumb f****** butterfly tattoo! I’m better than that.”

(I take a look at [Client]’s back, and instead of a butterfly, I see a huge mess of lines and colours. There’s the faint outline of a butterfly which I saw him tattoo, but other than that it looks like a huge blob. I’m instantly beyond furious. I pull [Artist] out of the room and let him have it.)

Me: “[ARTIST]?! What the f***?! Why the f*** would you do this?!”

Artist: “I told you at the beginning of the appointment I didn’t want to tattoo anymore f****** butterflies! I’m too good for this s***. I should be able to tattoo whatever I want.”

Me: “You’ve been tattooing here for only two months, and we’re the first place to give you an apprenticeship. Until you have people specifically asking to get tattooed by you, you take what we give you, and you do it well. This is beyond unacceptable.”

Artist: “That’s not fair! I should be able to do whatever I want!”

Me: “Well, now you can. You’re fired. I’m also calling every shop in the city letting them know what you’ve done. I will also be asking [Client] if she wishes to file charges. Now, get out.”

(He left, but not before throwing a hissy fit and throwing all his equipment and ink on the ground like a toddler. I calmed down and went to talk to [Client]. I offered her three different options: we would pay for her laser removal, give her a free cover-up, or, if she didn’t want to get tattooed at our shop, we’d pay for a cover-up elsewhere. We also called in the police and proceeded with pressing charges. She sued, and I believe she won.)

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Enabling Them Getting A Ticket

, , , , , | Working | January 26, 2018

(I’m picking up my severely disabled mother from an appointment at a big medical facility. As I’m arriving, I see a delivery truck standing across the last two handicapped parking spots. The driver is still sorting packages in the back of the truck, so I quickly jump out and approach him.)

Me: “Hi. I’m not sure if you noticed, but this is actually a handicapped parking spot.”

Delivery Guy: “So? You look like you can walk just fine. There are still some spots open in the back of the parking lot, I think.”

Me: “Not that it matters, but I’m picking up a disabled person who can’t walk that far. Could you please move?”

Delivery Guy: *while already walking away with some packages* “Sure, whatever! I’m busy, so shut up!”

(By now I’m furious, so I decide to park behind him in the handicapped parking spot, effectively blocking him from driving away. I rush into the building to collect my mother as quickly as possible to avoid being towed, but as we arrive we see that there’s already a police officer next to my car talking with the delivery driver. The officer looks at me, and at my mother who’s already looking pained while walking on crutches.)

Officer: “Is this your car?”

Me: “Yes. I’m terribly sorry, but there were no other disabled parking spots, and he refused to move after I explained the situation to him. Won’t happen again. I promise!”

Officer: “Oh, don’t worry. You’re free to go!”

Me: “Thank you very much.”

(Right as I was helping my mother into the car I heard the delivery guy scream, “Wait… You’re writing ME a ticket?!”)

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