Leaver’s Remorse

, , , , , | Working | October 4, 2017

(I have been working at my current job for five years. I have been in my office for over an hour, when someone I have never seen before comes in and tries staring me down.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Man: “You’re at my desk.”

Me: “Your desk?”

Man: “Yes. MY desk!”

Me: “Who told you it was yours?”

Man: “[Manager].”

Me: “He hasn’t told me about any change. Are you sure you have the right office?”

Man: “That is my desk. I work HERE!”

(I decide to call my manager to resolve the situation. He sounds just as confused as I feel and agrees to come over. He recognises the man instantly.)

Manager: “[Man], what you are doing here?”

Man: “Finally! [Manager], what’s this a**hole doing in my office?”

Manager: *looking between us* “What?”

Man: “What is this p****—” *pointing accusingly* “—doing at my desk?”

Manager: “[Man], you haven’t worked here for a year. You just disappeared one morning, leaving the rest of us to pick up the pieces.”

Man: “What are you talking about?”

Manager: “You left in February; [My Name] replaced you in June. I just thought you had found something else, and didn’t want to stick it here for another month. You don’t work here anymore.”

Man: “So, you just decided to fire me without warning?! That’s illegal. I’ll be chatting with [Senior Manager] about this. Your a** is cooked!”

(The man rushes out, screaming at the top of his lungs about the injustices he’s faced, calling my manager a crook and waste of a human being.)

Manager: “I don’t know what to say. I tried everything to get in touch with him. He didn’t even return his work laptop or phone, and the department was charged because of it.”

(I later heard that the man did, in fact, try to contact the senior manager, by barging into his office about 30 miles away. They had to call the police to have him removed. The work laptop and phone were found in his car, both in states of disrepair. We’ve all agreed he was rather stupidly trying to sneak them back in, but when he saw me he panicked and decided he was in too deep to admit what he was trying to do.)

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If The Shirt Fits…

, , , , , , | Right | October 4, 2017

(Our restaurant is open late to accommodate the late-night, usually drunk, crowd of college students. This particular night is exceptionally busy due to a now-traditional party weekend created by students a few years ago. As I am wrapping sandwiches, an obviously drunk customer is looking at t-shirts we have on display on our counter.)

Customer: “Hey, how much are your shirts?” *picks one up to look at it*

Me: “They’re [price], but you’ll have to go back to the register to pay for it.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(He continues to hold the shirt while I go back to wrapping sandwiches. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him slowly lower the shirt below the counter and start fumbling with his shirt, trying to stuff our t-shirt into his pants to steal it.)

Me: “So… are you going to pay for that, or just try to steal it while I’m obviously watching you?”

Customer: “Oh. I, uh… I was, uh… I mean…” *puts the shirt back on the counter*

Me: *removing the shirts from the counter* “Right then. I’ll just move these out of your way.”

(The customer was fine after that, and since he didn’t technically steal anything, and since we were super busy, I decided trying to kick him out wasn’t worth it. The rest of the employees and I just laughed at him for being a poor thief.)

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Seriously Injuring Your Grade

, , , , , | Learning | October 2, 2017

(It is the last day of exams. I am crossing the parking lot, when a car comes speeding into the lot and hits me, but they drive off before I can get their licence. They injure my arm and leg, and I am immobile. There is no one around, since I am already almost late for my exam. I see a different car come into the lot, at reasonable speed, and park.)


Guy: “I’M LATE!”


Guy: “I’M ALREADY LATE FOR [Professor who is also my uncle]’S EXAM!”


Guy: “SORRY!”

(He runs into the school. Luckily, some security guard sees my struggle on the security camera and comes to my aid. After winter break, I visit my uncle’s class to give a lecture, since I am getting a Master’s in his subject of study. The guy who was so worried about being late comes into class, with a minute before the class starts, and I decide to improvise my opening a bit.)

Me: “Let me tell you all a story on humanity before we jump into [subject]. The last day of final exams, I got hit by a car.” *cue gasps* “A guy came into the parking lot, saw me bleeding, and decided his final exam was more important than helping me. Let me tell you: school may be important, but it is not the only thing! Let’s say a professor failed you because you didn’t show up. You’ll have me as a witness, there’s cameras everywhere, and hospital bills to prove the severity. No reasonable professor, especially this professor, will fail you when you have this much proof to prove your point. Especially when the injured person is his only niece.”

(I look the guy who abandoned me right in the eyes. His face is red and he is squirming, because he knows I am talking about him. I walk right up to his desk and put my hand on his desk.)

Me: “Understand? I hope you’re never alone and injured, because with your karma you’d be dead in minutes.”

(I let that simmer in the air and then…)

Me: *cheerily* “Now, back on topic here!”

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Displaying Full Evidence Of Idiocy

, , , , , , , | Right | September 29, 2017

A customer pulls up in a burgundy taxi, tells the driver to wait, and then comes into the store.

He then pulls a knife and a garbage bag, and tells me to fill the bag with cartons of cigarettes.

I fill the bag, and watch as the crook then runs into what he thinks is his burgundy taxi, and slams the door behind himself.

Unbeknownst to him, I have just watched the taxi drive away, after seeing him attempt to rob the store, and a burgundy cop car, driven by a store regular, pull up.

Now the cop has just pulled into the gas station to get fuel, and some random guy has jumped into the back of his cop car, holding a knife and a bag full of stolen cigarette cartons, and locked himself in…

It takes a full hour for the cop to take my statement, because we can’t stop laughing at the idiot who arrested himself while holding the evidence of his robbery.

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Their Intent To Apply

, , , , , | Working | September 27, 2017

(A job seeker comes in looking nice, wearing a crisp suit and tie, and seeming to have everything together. In my opinion, this is a perfect choice for the job he is applying for in minor management. Halfway through his application:)

Applicant: “I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Applicant: “It says here, ‘Have you ever been convicted of a crime?’”

(Now, I’ve heard this before, and I expect the usual explanations of speeding tickets, or some other minor crime that we really don’t care about.)

Me: “Yeah?”

Applicant: “What about if you’ve been charged with one?”

Me: “Uh… depends, I suppose. What charge, might I ask?”

Applicant: “Trafficking, and possession with intent.”

Me: “I… I’d just list that.”

(Needless to say, we didn’t hire him. Apparently, he was out on bond and had just left court when he decided to apply.)

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